


like a tidal wave, i'll make a mess

by juliawrites



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Jealousy, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, anyways get ready for some good old fashioned yearning, honestly. not sure where this is going, u know how all any gay person ever does is yearn?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 45,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24451432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliawrites/pseuds/juliawrites
Summary: "Riley knows that she is right about this crush thing. She knows it. She doesn’t need to prove it. And she doesn’t have to know who it is, if that’s what Maya wants. Riley figures she at least owes her that, after everything. The triangle, the angst. Maya is allowed to have some secrets."maya's trying to come up with a way to break the news to her friends that she's dating a girl, but it's not that easy. especially since she's still trying to get over her feelings for a certain brown-eyed someone with a smile that's so wide, it shouldn't be real. riley's just trying to get through her junior year of high school without having a breakdown, but maya has introduced a new girl into her life, and now a breakdown is a possibility that seems imminent.
Relationships: Josh Matthews (Girl Meets World)/Original Male Character(s), Maya Hart/Original Female Character(s), Maya Hart/Riley Matthews
Comments: 51
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is the sixth rilaya fanfic ive started in my life. idk. hopefully it'll stick. quarantine does things to you.
> 
> 1\. im pretty sure this fandom is basically dead, but inspiration struck and i decided to run with it  
> 2\. cw in this chapter and throughout for drug and alcohol mentions (+underage drug/alcohol usage)  
> 3\. im guessing this will be around 30k/10 chapters. not sure yet. i'll keep you posted.  
> 4\. is this ooc? or is this just who they are after they've matured? or how i see them? thats a secret i'll never tell. xoxo gossip girl  
> 5\. title is from two by sleeping at last. [heres](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5hb4ViATLOpsFCkV6fe3ox?si=XNJ0SdUcQXycOAtqp1omaw) my rilaya playlist if u wanna be in ur feels

Riley isn’t really sure how she knows it, but she does. One afternoon, all of their textbooks spread out before them, an anatomy test on the horizon and the beginnings of a headache coming on, she looks at Maya, as she often does, reading something while lying on her stomach, propped up on her forearms. She looks happy, like her soft sunshine Maya self (though Maya would never admit that she ever looks even remotely like sunshine). But it’s different. She wears it in the corner of her smile, like it’s a smirk, like it’s just for her. She’s not saving it for anyone or doing it because something in particular has happened. It’s almost a secret, but Riley can see it.

“Maya,” she says. “When were you going to tell me that you had a crush?”

Maya looks up from her textbook, a slight shade of pink spreading across her cheeks. “What?”

“Did you honestly think you could keep this a secret from me?” Riley presses, because to be honest, it’s kind of exciting.

“Keep what a secret from you?” Maya asks.

“Your crush?” Riley replies.

“What crush?”

“You’re being impossible, you know that? And the more you try to deflect it, the more I know I’m right. You can’t hide these kinds of things from your best friend. From me.”

She frowns. “I’m not hiding anything, you goofball.”

“You have a crush,” Riley insists. “You haven’t looked like that since... well, since Lucas. And that was back in ninth grade.”

“No idea what you’re talking about, Honey,” she says, but she’s smiling a little. Maybe because she thinks it’s fun to play with Riley or maybe because she’s thinking about... whoever it is.

“Wait a second.” Riley pauses for a moment, thinking. “It’s not... it’s not Lucas, is it?”

“God, no,” Maya scoffs.

“So you admit it!” Riley shouts triumphantly, closing her textbook. “There is somebody!”

“I admitted nothing, you lunatic.”

“You admitted that it’s not Lucas, which means that using my amazing powers of deduction, it must be someone else!”

“All I did was confirm with you that I do not, in fact, like Lucas, that’s all. What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m just excited, is all. We haven’t had guy talk since we were freshmen!”

“Not so, we had it four months ago,” she counters. She’s also closed her textbook, and looks up at me from across the floor. “Gardener? Or have you already forgotten?”

“I meant guy talk about you, silly. When were you going to tell me?”

“There’s nothing to tell, Riles. Honest. You’re being loony.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

Riley huffs. Why wouldn’t Maya want to tell her about it? Why would she be this desperate to keep this a secret from her. There was no question about it, Maya had a crush. But what could make Maya Hart, her absolute best friend in the world, who never keeps anything from Riley unless she has a really good reason to, like protecting her from something terrible or because she doesn’t want to admit how she’s feeling, keep this to herself? Wait...

“Maya,” she says, and she sounds like she’s scolding, which she doesn’t mean to be. “Please tell me this isn’t about Josh.” Yikes, she really didn’t mean to sound malicious. Josh is a touchy subject for her, for everyone. Now she’s starting to regret bringing this up at all.

“You know me better than that,” Maya replies. Apparently she didn’t notice Riley’s complete change in tone or she decided that she didn’t want to comment on it. “Don’t... don’t push this okay? It’s not what you think. And I promise you I haven’t thought about Josh like that in at least a year.”

“Good,” Riley replies, and she believes her, even though why should she? It’s clear now that Maya’s hiding something, even if that something isn’t Lucas or Josh, the two easiest guesses. Well, Riley wants to find out one way or another what’s really going on here. She’s going to, somehow, even if it kills her.

-

Is it really that obvious? That’s kind of embarrassing.

Well, clearly, she’s not that obvious. But still.

When the door to the Matthews residence shuts behind her after her study session with Riley, and Riley says goodbye with a parting wink that Maya pointedly rolls her eyes at, the first person she calls is Zay, which. Well, sure, that makes sense. She doesn’t even realize what she’s doing. She feels sort of numb.

She knew that she couldn’t keep this a secret forever. Maybe a long time, until she was sure she was ready, but not forever. But it wasn’t a long time. It was three weeks. She’s been counting. And she was so careful.

_What gave it away?_ She thinks as she listens to the dial tone, staring at her reflection in the elevator. Did Riley slip a note from Maya’s bag when she wasn’t looking? Did she overhear them talking last week, underneath the bleachers? But that can’t be right, she said crush, not... well, any other word. Maybe she caught her staring in sixth period APUSH, which would be mortifying to say the least. But she did say ‘guy talk,’ which is almost just as mortifying. God.

He picks up after the fifth ring. “‘Sup, princess?” he says nonchalantly. Always the king of ease, she thinks.

“I think Riley is starting to figure something out,” she says, almost hushed, like somehow Riley followed her out into the street and is secretly listening into her phone conversations, which is ludicrous. “She asked me if I had a crush today.”

“Hmm,” he says helpfully. “Sorry.”

“Zay,” she protests.

“What do you want me to say, Hart? You knew this was gonna happen, so own up to it now before it gets awkward? That’s what I told you about two months ago, if not more.”

“Why did I even bother calling you at all,” she mutters to herself, but apparently he hears because he replies, “Yeah, why did you? Why don’t you call her?”

_Because that would be the logical thing to do,_ she answers sarcastically, in her head. _What part of this situation seems logical to you, Babineaux?_ “I just needed a friend,” she answers instead. Partially true, but the answer she needed to play the guilt card just right. She’s no stranger to stuff like this.

“Sorry,” he repeats. _Whatever, like he actually means it,_ she thinks bitterly. Maya knows him well enough to know when he is and isn’t being sincere. Riley is sincere all the time. It’s one of her best qualities. Zay isn’t. It makes him like her.

Maya hangs up then, even though he did technically get the last word in. Just to rub it in a bit more, maybe to squeeze a few more drops of guilt out of him. Also, her mom just arrived, so it’s best that she end this conversation now before she gets bombarded with any questions. _Who were you calling Maya? Why did you hang up just now? What are you hiding?_ After all this time, you’d think she’d have gained at least a little more trust from her. Hardly any detentions since middle school, no grade below a C, two AP classes, even an extracurricular volunteer club to satiate Riley’s incessant asking. But Farkle and Riley are right about one thing. ‘Who we were defines who we are.’ Their history was being written before they knew it was. Maya can’t do anything about that.

At least Shawn doesn’t know about a lot of that stuff. Or, well, he probably does, because that used to be him. He just understands better than her mom does.

“Hiya, sweetie,” she greets from the passenger seat, cheerful and bubbly as always. Maya smiles. “How was your day?”

“Fine,” Maya replies, as is the norm. She knows that once she tells Riley, she’ll probably have to tell her mom and Shawn too, because Riley’s going to tell her parents the first chance she gets, and Maya would rather her own parents hear it from her. At least she can have that.

“How’s Riley?”

“Good.”

Riley, she thinks, with her crooked teeth and a smile that absolutely doesn’t fit on her face, it wouldn’t fit on anyone’s face, it’s so big it consumes everything within a five mile radius of it. Her hair that’s getting longer, even though Maya keeps trying to convince her to cut it short because it would look super cute like that. Naive, generous, bright.

Jesus. What is Maya getting herself into?

-

_Don’t push it_ is what Maya said to Riley, and she knows this. And she wants to honor that, because why wouldn’t she? But there’s this nagging feeling that she can’t shake. Maya wanted to hide this from her. Why did she want to hide this?

At school the next day, Riley is furiously reading over her anatomy flashcards for the upteenth time but barely processing it, as though mindlessly looking at facts about the brain will actually put them there permanently. Someone bumps her shoulder, and she doesn’t need to look up to know that it’s Maya, an effervescent smirk on her face.

They don’t usually go to school together anymore, now that Shawn can take her. She misses their morning subway rides a bit, although she loves that Maya has a father that can drop her off at school. Nothing could replace that. “‘Sup?” she greets. “How’s the studying going?”

Riley rolls her eyes. “Terribly,” she responds. “What about you?”

“I haven’t studied since I left your place yesterday.”

“But the test is today!” Riley protests. “Maya!”

“I know, I know, but I did study. And I had a lot of APUSH work to catch up on, or did you forget that you forced me to take another AP class with you.”

Riley rolls her eyes. “This is more important.”  
“This isn’t an AP class,” she argues, but then she changes the subject. “Have you seen Zay anywhere?”

“Can’t say I have,” Riley replies, frowning. “Why?”

She shrugs. “No reason.”

 _Don’t push this,_ Maya’s voice repeats in her head. But her thoughts are racing a million miles a minute. She can’t keep thinking like this every time Maya happens to mention a name. That would be utterly exhausting.

“Well, I’ll see you in anatomy,” Riley says. “Good luck,”

Maya salutes her. “Same to you.” And then she takes off, rounding the corner and all but vanishing down the hall.

The test goes somewhat well, all things considered. Hopefully in the solid B range. That’s all Riley can hope for. Maya seems pleased with herself at lunch, so Riley assumes that she did well too. Today, they’re joined by Lucas and Farkle, which is nice. They don’t always have time to sit with them, so.

“Where’s Zay?” Maya asks Lucas, sipping somewhat pensively on her capri-sun.

He shrugs. “No clue. Why?”

Maya shrugs back, almost equally mimicking his gesture. _Are you sure you don’t still like Lucas?_ Riley thinks somewhat suspiciously to herself. But that ship has long sailed, thankfully. It has for her too, which is for the best. They’re way better as friends, even though it’ll always mean something special to know that he was her first boyfriend. The first boy she ever really liked.

“Probably on the field,” Farkle pipes up. His voice has gotten deeper, much deeper than when they were kids. It’s like he goes through a new puberty every month and a half. It’s kind of endearing, although Riley thinks it’s starting to freak Maya out a little. Nothing is like it was when they were in middle school. Riley used to be the one that freaked out over change, but Maya has started to assume that role. Maya wishes that Farkle would stop changing how he looks and stay the same Farkle they know and love him for. Riley insists that Farkle is still the same on the inside and that he can’t possibly help how his outside changes too. Riley doesn’t say that Maya changes too, all the time. She started wearing more makeup and her brows are more noticeably done and her pout is more intentional than it was when they were in seventh grade, like she’s doing it on purpose to be the mysteriously attractive bad girl in town. Her wardrobe is getting sleeker and more refined, and though she hasn’t really gotten much taller, her posture has changed. Her poise, the way she holds herself is enough to make her feel like she has in fact gotten taller. Her attitude isn’t just a front to disguise her brokenness, her lack of desire to be approachable by others. She’s _cool,_ she always has been, but something about puberty, or growing up, or finally having the sweet sixteen Riley still always dreamed about (until it happened and it sucked) made her... startling. Stunning. Unbelievable. It made her a lot of things. It made her want to have a crush again, apparently.

Lucas hasn’t changed much. Apparently he hasn’t changed since he was in the fifth grade, although that’s always been Maya’s thing to tease him about. Riley is almost sure she hasn’t changed. The bags under her eyes have gotten deeper, her knees are always bruised from constantly bumping against lockers or from tripping during cheer practice (yes, she did finally make the team last year, and it wasn’t just from guilt tripping the coach into letting her be a substitute. She practiced, and she got better, and she actually accomplished something for once in her life. It was glorious. It still is).

Riley knows that she is right about this crush thing. She knows it. She doesn’t need to prove it. And she doesn’t have to know who it is, if that’s what Maya wants. Riley figures she at least owes her that, after everything. The triangle, the angst. Maya is allowed to have some secrets.

But maybe not if they’re going to affect the integrity of the friend group. It’s the six of them, now and forever, Nothing is ever going to change it, but Maya having a crush on... Zay? Maybe? Could certainly complicate it. Zay... Riley frowns. She could see it, she supposes. They’re both moody, but they both have a heart of gold. They care, they’re both fiercely loyal... hm. Maybe that could be something that would be good for her. All of a sudden, Riley is totally on board with this. Even if Maya isn’t ready to tell her yet, Riley will be more than supportive whenever she is. And she’ll be there to give Zay that extra push, just in case he happens to need it.

-

Maya finds Zay after school, loitering in the parking lot. She stayed late today so she could hang out with Penny, and because Riley had cheer practice, and she’s her ride home.

Her name is actually Penelope, though she always goes by Penny, which makes sense. Maya isn’t sure if it’s a happy coincidence of fate that her girlfriend shares her middle name, or if it’s just a cruel irony the universe cooked up for her. She knows which Riley would say. She knows what she would say too.

She and Penny had hung out in the green room near the auditorium (Riley thinks she’s studying in the library. She did, sophomore year at least. Not anymore). She’s a drama geek, although she doesn’t seem the type, at least not when you first meet her. Penny is fierce. She’s a permanent smirk. There’s this glint in her eye, like she knows everything, like what you’re thinking, what you think of her, who she is, what she wants to do with her life. She’s so sure of herself. She has stark red hair, obviously dyed, straight as a stick, and it goes all the way down to her waist, and she has these astounding golden eyes. Maya’s been watching her since probably the first day of high school, though Riley didn’t know anything about that. She didn’t go to JQA.

There were a lot of reasons Maya took so long to approach her: she was still trying to wrap things up with Lucas, she still wasn’t sure if she was drawn to Penny because she liked her or wanted to be like her, she was genuinely nervous to do so (which was unsettling to say the least, hardly anything scared her), and because... well. Probably there was still this really small part of her. This little delusional piece of herself that wanted to hope for absolutely everything, even though she had already hoped for one thing and she had miraculously gotten it, and the universe had probably decided that was more than enough for Miss Maya Hart. Still, that delusional piece of herself clung onto her, like an annoying gnat, for a really long time. So. It took awhile for her to take the plunge.

The beginning of junior year officially stamped on that annoying gnat, thank god. Or maybe it was everything that happened the summer before it. Regardless, Maya is more than grateful that it’s gone. It finally feels like she can breathe around her best friend, and there was really a time that she did not feel like that at all.

Unfortunately, Maya failed to mention to Penny that Riley was probably going to find out about the two of them and that they needed to make an official decision about telling their respective friends. Probably because they were a little bit preoccupied with making out. Whatever, Maya isn’t complaining. But she still should have brought it up. Penny probably isn’t going to care, because that’s how she is. Cool as a cucumber. Down to just roll with the punches. Maya isn’t totally sure Penny hasn’t already told her friends about their relationship. But Maya is not Penny. Telling her friends that she’s in a relationship, much less with a girl, might be a nuclear bomb on them, the core six. Ever since Riley’s blow up about Charlie Gardener in July, the subject of dating really rarely comes up with them. It’s touchy. Feelings are complicated in their group, whether or not they’d like to admit it.

Anyways, maybe Maya will call her later tonight to talk about it. It might be a little easier if it’s not exactly face to face. But right now she has Zay to deal with, the annoying little butthole who avoided her all day after being a jerk, who owes her weed money, who’s the only one in the group who knows about the whole Penny ordeal. Usually it’s Riley who’s her shoulder to cry on, her fountain of advice and the person she would go to if she ever had someone to woo. Not that she has ever done that, gone to Riley for wooing advice, that is. The only other people she’s ever tried that on was her and the first boy she ever liked. That was still kind of a dick move, on Maya’s part. Now, Zay tends to be her person. It’s weird. It’s nice though. He’s a surprisingly good listener, he can be kind and caring when he wants to be, and he always calls Maya out on her bullshit. She never told him about her feelings for Riley, exactly, not in as many words, but he probably figured it out at some point. He doesn’t ever bring it up, which she’s grateful for. It’s really anyone’s guess if anyone in the group has figured it out, Riley included.

He narrows his eyes at her. He’s super sweaty, as he’s just coming out of football practice. The season’s almost over, which he’s apparently thankful for. It means he can start focusing on doing his homework and doing SAT prep, and start smoking more frequently without feeling so guilty or so paranoid. That means Maya’s thankful too, although she’ll miss going to the game on Friday nights and getting burgers and milkshakes with her friends afterwards.

“Maya,” he greets flatly. He’s actually panting a little. Wow, they must have worked them pretty hard today. He’s still wearing his workout clothes.

“You owe me,” she responds. “Twenty bucks.”

“Rain check?”

“It has been. For over a month.”

“Whatever.” They don't say anything for a moment. The football team’s all leaving now, and the cheerleaders should be making their way out soon. “Look,” he says. “I am sorry. Genuinely. Although to be honest, I’m not really sure what the big deal is. I know it’s not going to be easy to, like...” He frowns. Maya rolls her eyes.

“Come out?” she finishes.

“Yeah,” he agrees. “And tell people about her. I get it. But seriously, she’s your best friend. She loves you no matter what.”

“I know.”

He shrugs. “So... what are you waiting for?”

What is Maya waiting for, exactly? Confirmation from Penny that it’s okay? A sign that she’s making the right choice, by going through with all of this? The assurance that everything is going to be okay? Or maybe that annoying gnat was never really stamped out. Maybe making things really official is a change that Maya knows she’ll never be able to take back, and that scares her.

She hears the cheer squad pouring out of the locker room and onto the street before she sees them, laughing and giggling and talking way too loudly. She hears Riley too.

Zay looks at his phone. “I’ve gotta go,” he says, “but listen, call me as soon as you tell her. I’m serious. Tell me how it goes.”

He backs away. Maya wants to reply with something snarky, just so she can get the last word in, but all of a sudden, there’s Riley, bouncy and smiley as she always is after cheer practice. It puts her in a really good mood. It’s good for her. And Zay’s gone.

“Looks like you finally found your guy,” she says as her greeting.

“Huh?”

“Zay? You’ve been asking about him all day.” Her eyebrows are practically at her hairline. She’s grinning from ear to ear. God, she’s dense.

“How was practice?” Maya asks, changing the subject.

“Delightful,” she replies, though Maya didn’t need her telling her so to know that. Riley wears her delight all over her, bouncy and brimming with giggles. “Shall we?” She holds out her hand for Maya to take. Oh, the irony.

“We shall,” she replies, grabbing Riley’s hand. And just like that, they’re off.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey,” Maya says softly into her phone later that night. It’s pressed to her ear, like a precious thing, like a gift.

“Hey,” Penny responds, like there are five y’s at the end of it. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Maya smiles. She loves this. She can’t deny it. She loves feeling like a giggly teen girl, like she’s supposed to feel. “Talking to you.”

“Today was fun,” she says. Right to the point. Maya blushes. Penny has been teaching her all kinds of things. What an educator.

“Uh huh,” Maya replies, because she has to say _something_ or she’ll sound like an idiot. “Listen, can we talk about something?”

“Of course, M.” Her nickname for Maya. It’s endearing. It’s like a codename.

“It’s just that I think I want to tell my friends about this. About us. If that’s cool.” It took a lot of courage, and psyching herself up in the bathroom mirror, to get that out. But it comes off as cool as she can muster.

“Of course it’s cool. It’s more than cool, Maya. I’m happy for you.”

“What about you?” Maya asks.

“What about me?”

“Have you told your friends?”

There’s a pause. “No. I was waiting for you.” Well, that answers that question.

“Okay. I’m telling everyone tomorrow, I think. At lunch.”

“That’s awesome, M.” Maya can hear that sneaky little grin in her voice. It drives her wild. She sounds so much like Maya.

“Thanks.”

“Imagine what it would be like to walk into the cafeteria holding hands,” Penny says. Maya does. It makes her heart race. Walking around school, holding hands with a girl. Someone who isn’t Riley. Wow. That sounds thrilling, actually. She can’t wait to try it. “Imagine the power,” she continues.

“Are you out to your friends?” Maya asks. She doesn’t mean to be so nosy, but she’s curious.

“Yeah, I guess so. Not my parents so much.”

“Zay’s the only one who knows.”

“Huh. Not Matthews?” That’s how Penny always refers to her. Like saying the name Riley would put a curse on her or something. Maybe that’s for the best.

“No,” Maya answers. “I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“I’ve been there.” She sighs. “It’s gonna go great, Maya. I promise. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I’m really sleepy.”

“Me too,” Maya responds, even though she really isn’t. She feels like she’s vibrating, like she’s on the precipice of being set on fire. All of a sudden, this seems a lot more terrifying than it did before she called Penny. This is actually going to happen. This is real. She’s gay, she has a girlfriend, and soon everyone’s going to know.

“Good night, M.”

“Night, P.”

She kisses into the phone, and hangs up.

Maya looks at her phone for a really long time, until she finally texts the groupchat:

Minor announcement. Tomorrow at lunch. See you guys then.

She gets a text from Zay a few minutes later, privately:

this what i think it is?

yep. please be there. cant do it alone.

ofc.

Then from Riley:

What????

yes?

What does it mean????

you’ll see you impatient girl

Can't wait that long. Must know now.

good night honey.

-

It’s probably about the crush thing, is Riley’s first thought. But then, she probably wouldn’t be announcing it to the whole group at lunch, like it was an event. And she definitely wouldn’t if it was on Zay. So maybe not.

Maybe she’s auditioning for the winter musical. Riley’s caught her staring at the sign up sheet more than once, which would be absolutely incredible to see. Maya is very anti-activities, even though she’s incredibly talented, and a gifted singer. Maybe she’s going on a vacation soon, taking off with Shawn on another one of his weekend picture taking expeditions. She had so much fun the last time she went. She hardly even texted while she was there, because she was so busy. Riley really missed her that weekend, which is selfish, not that she can help it.

Riley falls asleep wondering what Maya’s mystery announcement could be, and wakes up doing the same. All throughout first period, she can’t stop thinking. For some reason, it’s making her kind of nervous. She’s probably just looking for a reason to be anxious about something, though. She has a really bad habit of doing that.

Becky invites her to sit with some of the squad at lunch to catch up on some homework, but Riley declines. She usually does, although today is obviously a special occasion. Riley prefers to sit with her best friends, even though they don’t, always. Her friends come and sit with the squad sometimes, which is super fun. Although, Riley suspects that Farkle and Smackle don’t find it to be particularly fun. She doesn’t know why. They’ve met everyone on the squad, and they’re super nice. The girls all adore Farkle.

Sometimes they hang out with Darby and Sarah and that crowd, but today, it’s just them. The core six. By lunchtime, Riley’s going to explode from excitement. She wants to know everything about her best friend’s life.

“So,” Smackle says the second Riley sits down at their usual table. She’s the first one there today. “What’s this all about?”

Riley shrugs. “No clue. She wouldn’t say.”

Smackle rolls her eyes. “Please,” she says, with two syllables.

“Seriously. You know as much as I do.” Which is technically a lie. Riley knows that Maya has a crush. Riley hasn’t ruled that possibility out in regards to this announcement.

“Wow.” Smackle looks impressed. “Alright. My interest is piqued.”

“It wasn’t already?”

She shrugs. “I guess. But now it really is.”

Farkle asks Riley almost the same question when he sits down too. Smackle explains the situation. He squints at Riley, maybe to see if she’s lying.

Soon, the whole group gets there, save Maya of course, as though she’s trying to make some grand entrance. Riley’s on the precipice of a freak out. She has to know. Now.

Maya finally enters the cafeteria, her backpack slung over her shoulder. She’s grinning from ear to ear, the way she does when she’s planning a scheme. Riley hopes to God this isn’t a scheme.

“Hey everyone,” she says, sliding into the seat they saved for her, next to Riley of course. “How’re we doing this fine afternoon?”

“Great,” says Farkle. “Now tell us.”

“Tell you what?”

“Get to it, woman!” Smackle commands, and it scares even Maya a bit.

“Okay, okay. Relax. Listen, you kind of have to keep this on the down low, at least for a little while. Promise?”

“Promise,” Riley says immediately. She’s on the edge of her seat. “Ring power.”

“Whatever is the equivalent of that with us,” Smackle agrees.

“Okay. So. I’m kind of seeing someone.”

The floor opens up beneath Riley. The cafeteria is a million miles away. She’s seeing someone? As in, she’s in a relationship? What?

“We’re dating, I guess,” she continues. “She’s my... My girlfriend. I have a girlfriend.”

Farkle’s eyes widen. Lucas hasn’t touched his food since Maya sat down. Smackle looks excited. Zay looks surprisingly calm about all of this. Riley has no idea how she looks. She feels like her jaw must be almost on the floor.

Maya has a girlfriend? Riley doesn’t know what to even say, or think, or do. How long have they been together? Since when does Maya like girls, even?

It’s really awkward for a long beat. No one says anything. Then, Farkle finally breaks the silence. “Maya, that’s so cool.”

“Yeah,” Smackle agrees. “Do we know her? Can we meet her?”

Maya nods. She looks like her cool, nonchalant self on the outside, but her eyes betray her nervousness. Now, Riley feels like a complete idiot. Why isn’t she being more supportive of her best friend? Why didn’t she immediately jump to her feet to give her a really huge hug?

“You guys know Penny Staplefelt, right?”

“That’s who you’re dating?” Lucas says, incredulous. Riley still doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t really know Penny that well, only seen her in passing. They’ve had a few classes together but that’s about it. She tries to picture the two of them together, holding hands and talking about life’s biggest issues. She tries to picture them sharing a milkshake, or kissing. It kind of makes sense. They have a similar stature. Perhaps a similar kind of upbringing, not that Riley has any clue.

“Yeah, what about it, Huckleberry?” She still calls him that, even after all these years.

“Congrats, Maya, that’s great,” Riley finally says, because why hasn’t she said anything yet? And to try to break up whatever tension-y argument Maya wants to start with him. “I’m so happy for you.”

She turns to face Riley. She grins. “Thanks, Riles. And you guys can all meet her soon,” she says, addressing the group. “I want us to all hang out, make sure she gets the friendship stamp of approval and all that jazz.”

“Oh?” says Zay. Apparently something was finally interesting enough for him to make an utterance. Riley doesn’t understand how he’s being so blase about this. He cares about Maya, she knows that.

“Yeah. Maybe this weekend we can all go to the park, or something. You’re all going to really like her.”

“I’m already clearing my schedule,” Smackle replies. “Curing cancer is gonna have to wait.”

_The friendship stamp of approval? You’re all going to like her?_ These thoughts plague Riley’s head all throughout cheer practice, which is usually the only part of her day when she’s allowed to clear her mind and not think about anything for a little while. She crashes into Sammy during a routine and coach asks Riley if she’s okay. She lies and says she’s on her period and her cramps are killing her so she can sit out for the rest of practice.

It’s just that Maya bent over backwards to approve her crush on Lucas. She almost turned into Riley, all so she could supposedly make sure his trust was rightfully earned, so that the right guy for her wouldn’t be just some everyday schmuck who happened to ride the subway, but actually the right guy for her. Riley hasn’t even met Penny Stapleton, ever. Not even a casual greeting in a class. All she really knows about her is that her hair is dyed red and she’s in all the school plays. Maya got to know Lucas backwards and forwards, inside and out, extensively, for years. And even then Riley and Lucas didn’t end up together.

Not that Riley particularly wants to turn into Maya or develop feelings for Maya’s crush or anything like that. That whole charade seems really childish now, but still. Maya never told Riley that she had feelings for someone, she didn’t tell Riley the second they started dating, she didn’t even tell Riley that she liked girls. Maybe that’s why she was so reluctant to tell her, because of the whole liking girls thing. But Riley doesn’t care about that. She cares that there was this huge secret, way bigger than any other secret she’s had in a really long time, and she thought she had to hide it from Riley. That kind of stings.

Then again, Riley hides stuff from Maya sometimes. She hid her feelings for Lucas when she thought Maya liked him. She hid her bully from her for as long as she could. She hides other things too, like how sometimes the pressure to get perfect grades and get into the perfect college feels crippling, and she’s spent hours at night crying in her bed alone because it’s all too much for her, and she barely gets any sleep because she’s up studying all the time, because these classes don’t come easy to her anymore. She hides the fact that despite being with Charlie Gardener for almost four months, she doesn’t think she ever really liked him, and she certainly didn’t like it when they kissed, and she hasn’t told her that sometimes she misses the feeling of liking Lucas, just because she misses the feeling of _liking_ someone.

She doesn’t tell her that in ninth grade, she did have feelings for... someone? Or something. She honestly couldn’t tell what was going on with her, which is why she never really bothered to mention it to anyone. It was like a quiet ache in her stomach, a kind of tugging. Or a hearth. And it was always pulling her to the same person who used to always have paint underneath her fingernails, no matter how much she tried to scrub it out. (She doesn’t so much anymore. She says it’s because she’s way too busy with classes and volunteering, and Riley can’t help but feel basically solely responsible for that.)

Maybe Maya hiding something like this from Riley isn’t so out of the question. That must have been really hard for her to do, tell everyone about it, even though it was to her best friends. Even though she must have known that they’d give her nothing but love and support. She must have felt her heart sink to the floor when no one said anything.

 _God, what a selfish ass,_ Riley thinks to herself. _I am such a selfish ass._ She’s going to apologize to Maya first thing when she sees her after practice, and give her a big best friend hug, and assure her that everything’s going to be alright, and that she’s loved, loved, loved.

-

Maya is happy to inform Penny when they’re alone in the green room that her coming out went fairly well, all things considered. Her friends were a little surprised, Lucas barely said a word for the rest of lunch, but it went well. Penny seems happy for her, but doesn’t mention whether she told her friends about Maya today as well. Which is fine.

After, Maya meets Riley at their usual spot on the corner. She seems a little lost in space, which is typical of her, although not so after cheer.

“Hi,” she says, and she sounds almost nervous. Maya doesn’t want to admit it, but even she’s a little nervous too. Is Riley going to be mad at her for dating someone? Or for trying to hide it?

“Hey, sunshine. How was practice?”

“Fine,” she replies. “Can we walk today?”

Maya shrugs. “Fine by me.”

They start on the route home. They’re not holding hands today. It’s putting Maya on edge.

“I have... questions,” Riley says after a minute.

“I have answers, I think,” Maya replies.

“When did you guys meet, formally?”

Okay then. Diving right into the Penny talk. Maya can’t say she didn’t see this coming. Still, her palms start to sweat a little. “We met at the beginning of the year, in APUSH,” Maya answers.

“And then when did you guys get together?”

“A few weeks ago, after the game.”

“Huh.” Riley takes a few seconds to process that. “And how long have you known?”

“Known Penny, you mean?”

“No, I mean. About liking girls. Was it Penny that made you realize?”

Maya considers lying, and saying yes. But she’s already kept enough stuff from her, and it seems kind of unfair. Plus, she’s told a select few other people in her life a different story, so she figures she might as well keep them all straight. Or, well. Not.

“No, it wasn’t her. I think I’ve known for a while, but I started to figure it out back in middle school. I always thought I was a little bit off.”

“You’re not off,” Riley says immediately. “You’re perfect, just as you are.”

“Alright, loon. No need to get sappy on me.”

“No, Maya, I’m serious.” She stops, and turns to face Maya, looking directly into her eyes. Dizzying. “You’ve known since middle school, but you never felt like you could tell me. I want you to know that you can tell me absolutely anything you want. Even when you don’t know exactly what you’re feeling, or what to make of it. Even if it makes you feel different or odd. Promise me you’ll come to me when you feel like that, Maya.”

Maya wants to promise that of course Riley is always going to be the first person she comes to whenever she feels like that, but that would be a lie. Besides, the biggest problem invading her life was _her_ so that wouldn’t have gone over well, exactly. But still, it’s nice to hear. It’s comforting and familiar. Maya offers up her hand. “Promise. Ring power.” It makes her feel guilty, lying but using the one thing that’s supposed to prevent them from having secrets. Maybe the rings will understand.

Riley takes her hand, but offers her one better, and pulls her into an all-consuming hug. She runs her fingers through Maya’s hair, a small gesture of love and comfort. “Ring power,” Riley echoes. “Good.” She lets go, and continues down the street. “What’s she like?”

“Back to the questions, are we?”

“I have about a million and one. Is she nice? Does she like art?”

“She’s cool. She likes Shakespeare, especially his tragedies and his sonnets, she reads a lot of plays, dramas mostly, she wants to major in theatre at a conservatory. She’s brave and clever, and she’s sure of herself, all the time. She knows exactly who she is.” Maya stops to read Riley’s expression. She’s drinking in every word like it’s her life’s sustenance. Hanging on to every letter. “Who knows. Maybe some of that will rub off on me.”

“Liking drama?” Riley asks.

“No, I mean, knowing who she is. I could really use some of that.”

Riley nods. “Same here.” She pauses, and they keep walking in silence, getting caught up in the rush hour traffic. The bustle of the city feels like its own heartbeat, tethering Maya to the rest of the world. “She sounds awesome,” Riley says when they’ve turned a corner, on the street of Riley’s apartment. “Have you kissed her yet?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Ugh, so many questions! What are you, my mom?”

“Oh yeah! Have you told her yet? Or Shawn?”

“Ugh. No, I haven’t, but I will. Don’t give me that look, Riley, I will.”

She raises her eyebrows like she doesn’t believe her. “Okay, good. They will want to know, and I promise they’ll be totally supportive.”

“I know, Riles. It’s just...” Maya looks up. It looks like it might rain tonight. “It’s hard.”

“I know, Peaches. I know. But it’ll be so worth how you’ll feel afterwards.” She grabs Maya’s hand, intertwining their fingers. It’s comforting. “And don’t think you’ve dodged my question, young lady. Have you or have you not kissed?”

Maya scoffs. This precious, sweet child. What would she ever do without her? “We kiss, Riley, yes.”

“How is that?”

“It’s nice.”

“That’s it? Just nice?”

“It’s exciting.” Maya says. She doesn’t want to get so personal about this. Riley doesn’t need to know literally everything. But she gets carried away with herself. “It makes me feel like I exist, like I’m wanted. She has this thing she does where she... I don’t know. Reminds me that I have a pulse, and I can do things if I want to. I have power.”

“Wow,” Riley’s eyes are wide. If Maya didn’t know any better, she’d think they were tinged a little green. “That sounds magical.”

Maya shrugs. “It’s aight.” She wants to downplay all of this, because it feels weird for some reason.

Riley is out of questions, it seems, which is just as well because when they arrive at home they have to get to studying, and Maya needs to work on this stupid APUSH packet if she ever wants to get a passing grade in that stupid class. She still can’t believe she let Riley talk her into taking it. As though AP stats wasn’t bad enough.

They fall into their typical formation, Riley on the left side of the room and Maya on the right, a whole lot of notebooks and textbooks all over the floor, Riley’s laptop open on her bed in case either of them need to use it for something. Maya looks around at the decorations on Riley’s walls, her stuffed animals and the bay window. For some reason, she feels like she needs to just take it all in, and appreciate what she has now, with Riley in this moment. For some reason, she feels like days like this are going to be nothing but a thing of the past before she even knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope ur enjoying so far!! lmk what u think if u want :)))


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this chapter is kind of a lull so im posting the next chapter right after this so u can have something slightly more exciting to follow up on. but anyways hope u enjoy!

A few weeks go by following Maya’s big announcement, but Riley and the rest of the group have yet to meet the esteemed Penny. Riley tries to not let that bother her too much, but it’s near impossible.

Now that Riley knows their secret, whenever she sees Penny in APUSH she really wants to say hi, but she always stops herself. Maya has been super weird about mixing Penny into the group. She says it’s because Penny feels uncomfortable and she’s taking longer to tell her friends than Maya did, but that can’t possibly be true. Penny never seems uncomfortable about anything, and now Maya hangs out at Penny’s table at lunch sometimes. Well, it was only twice, but they were kind of acting couple-y from what Riley could see from over at the cheer table. Riley tried not to watch them because she didn’t want to be a creeper, but it was hard not to. Her best friend has a girlfriend, her best friend in the entire world, who she knows inside and out, who can read her mind. And she refuses to introduce her to Riley. It’s weird.

Although, Maya might just have the right idea. Lucas has been acting really peculiar about the whole thing ever since she told everyone. Whenever Maya graces the group with her presence he is never around, and when they all hang out at Topanga’s to do homework together he can barely look at her. Riley doesn’t think Maya minds all that much, and if Riley ever confronted her about it she would probably brush it off and say how nice it is of him to finally give her a break from having to hear his dumb Texas drawl all the time. If she confronted Lucas about it, he would probably go beet red and fiercely deny it, and Riley doesn’t want to push it. In middle school, she might have wanted to push it, to air all their grievances right in the middle of the cafeteria or even in her father’s history class where everyone could hear, but she doesn’t do that anymore. She doesn’t like being invasive or pushing people’s boundaries that they have been clearly setting with her over the years. Farkle has noticed as well, Riley can tell. But he hasn’t said anything either, and Farkle would probably come in second place for biggest pot stirrer in their friend group. So, if he hasn’t said anything, then Riley won’t either.

Maya sneaks out to be with Penny sometimes. She even called Riley once to ask her to cover for her so she wouldn’t have to tell her parents where she was going. Riley thinks Maya should just tell them the truth, but Maya doesn’t want to. (Riley thinks Maya’s a little too in love with having secrets to want to give that up.) And Maya knows that Riley hates lying. Of course, Riley would do anything for Maya, she just wishes she knew the other person she was doing it for. It feels unfair, though she doesn’t say so, because Maya’s on her own journey to figuring herself out and Riley doesn’t want to step on her toes, or try to intervene too much. Probably, if Riley were covering up for any other reason besides Maya’s fear of possibly being outed before she was ready, Riley might have stood up to Maya and said no. But how could she say no to something like that?

But Riley has other things to think about. Friday is the last football game of the season, her last chance to do her cheer routine that she’s been practicing since August, and her last chance to have post-game milkshakes with all of her best friends. These moments are so ephemeral, so precious, and she has to hold onto them dearly. Last year she cried because she didn’t want the feeling of being on the field, freezing her butt off and throwing someone into the air, to be gone. Now, she looks forward to having that big, grand, closing night. The fact that something ends is what makes it special.

At lunch, Maya rushes to their table, excitedly. It’s pep rally week, which is one of Riley’s favorite times of the year. (And Maya’s least favorite. The only spirit day Maya ever participates in is pajama day). Today, Wednesday, is animal print day, and Riley’s wearing cheetah print leggings and a sweater with a tiger on it. Riley is confused by all of Maya’s spirit.

“Guys,” she says, huffing as she sits down. “Penny agreed to come to Bob’s with us after the game!”

Riley’s heart starts beating fast. “How exciting!” Riley squeals. “That’s so great, Maya!”

“About time,” Zay mutters. Maya glares at him, but doesn’t respond.

“I’m excited too,” Maya says, facing Riley. She’s wearing that secret little smile again, the one that made Riley think she had a crush. “I think it’ll be really good for her. She seemed happy about the idea when I asked her.”

“Yikes,” says Farkle. “I better plan an outfit. Have to make a good first impression.”

“Don’t worry,” Maya replies. “She’s gonna love you.”

But he definitely looks worried, which Riley thinks is a slight overreaction. Surely even Lucas would be excited, if he were here to hear the news. Riley and Maya lock eyes, and the excitement in Maya’s face makes Riley’s chest swell. Despite it all, despite the secrets and the sneaking around, seeing Maya happy like this is so worth it to Riley. That’s all she could ever possibly want for her best friend, finding someone that can make her happy like that. Even if that someone is a troubled mysterious figure that Riley has yet to crack.

But this Friday is going to change all of that. Penny will finally be introduced to their group, and Riley will understand _why_. Why Maya picked her, out of everyone else, out of all the fish in the sea, or all the girls, as it were. And how they fit together, and what Maya sees in her. (Riley has a guess. The straight, bright red hair is so loud and unapologetic, she’s unequivocally gorgeous, she always acts aloof although you can tell she cares about a lot of things and she’s in advanced classes so she must try at least a little. Anyone would be drawn to her.) And Riley can learn about what Maya’s like in a relationship, if she’s sweet and caring or if she likes to tease a lot, if she’s extra touchy or if she prefers to keep that side of herself private. (Riley has a guess about this too. Maya probably prefers keeping their physical touching private, like it’s a secret for her to treasure and keep, and she probably teases all the time, keeping her sweet praises and soft affirmations locked away, only to use on very special occasions. The teasing is obviously empty, because whatever she says is not what she means. Riley’s thought a lot about this.)

Now, she definitely can’t wait for the end of the week. Friday couldn’t come fast enough.

-

Maya’s been avoiding this for a while, but it can’t go on for much longer. Even Penny is starting to ask Maya when she can finally meet the ‘Infamous Matthews.’ Maya weakly tries to defend herself by saying that sneaking around and keeping what they have a secret is part of the fun, but she’s told her friends about them already so it’s a really bad argument. Penny loves to point that out. Plus, Riley’s starting to get pretty ansty too. She’s been practically foaming at the mouth, trying to get Maya to bring Penny along to one of their study sessions at Topanga’s or to the park with them or over for dinner or something, but Maya can’t bring herself to do it. Those two worlds are best when they are separate, she feels, and having them intersect would be messy, would lead to nothing but trouble. Her heart wouldn’t be able to take it.

But she caves during pep rally week, when Riley’s smile grows three sizes bigger than should be humanly and the school is buzzing with excitement about the final game of the season. Maya couldn’t give less of a shit, but win or lose, her friends are going to be in a really good mood after, and they’ll be receptive to meeting Penny, whether or not they actually like her or not. (Maya wants to pretend like she doesn’t care what they think of her, that she’ll go on dating her whatever her friends say. That’s not strictly true.) She floats the idea to Penny on Tuesday, and she’s very enthusiastic, so the plan is settled. Their traditional Bob’s outing will now have a plus one. Lucas isn’t there when she tells the group about the plan, but whatever. If Lucas didn’t even bother to show up on Friday, Maya wouldn’t mind so much. He’s been acting like a brat ever since she came out to everyone, which has no right to be. It’s not her fault that she thought she liked him only because her best friend did. That was forever ago now, can’t he just get over it? She’s told Penny a little bit about the whole Lucas debacle, and as it turns out, she knew an embarrassingly large amount of the story already, because apparently drama spreads fast at Abigail Adams.

Friday afternoon, the sun is starting to set, and the sound of honking horns and distant shouts settle over the football field like a blanket. The cheerleaders and loud and peppy, the crowd in the bleachers is roaring in excitement, and the early November air is sending chills down Maya’s arms. She has to admit, these games can be a little exciting sometimes. She spots Farkle and Smackle towards the top of the bleachers, saving seats for her and Penny even though that’s not strictly allowed. They’re huddled together, possibly for warmth and possibly because they are somewhat terrified of the energy surrounding a bunch of hyped up high schoolers, eager to see some action. Even more exciting than this game, however, is that she and Penny are actually holding hands. Anyone can see them. That’s exhilarating.

Penny comes to the games sometimes too, but it’s never to watch. There’s a clearing not too far from the bleachers that she and her friends go to to smoke during the game, and then she hangs around afterwards to try and sus out if there are any parties worth going to afterwards. That’s how she and Maya wound up getting together in the first place. They ran into each other in the bathroom, struck up a conversation, hung out for the rest of the game, and... well. Maya didn’t party with her afterwards, because of her Bob’s commitment, but. The rest is history, as they say.

She definitely doesn’t like sitting in the bleachers with the rest of the so-called ‘hooligans’ she goes to school with, as she does not stop reminding Maya of. But it’s part of the experience, Maya insists, and besides, Smackle and Farkle will be there too. (“The hell kinda names are those?” she had asked. “Are they asking to get bullied?” She was mostly joking.)

“Maya!” Smackle yells over the crowd. She waves them over, and Maya and Penny ascend the steps. They take their seats beside them. Penny gracefully sets her nachos down next to Maya.

“You must be Smackle,” Penny says, friendly. Smackle’s long black beach waves frame her face just right, and it looks extra dramatic with the breeze that’s picking up. Her eyes widen at Penny, which Maya finds amusing. “And Farkle,” Penny continues, looking at him too. He looks cool, leaning back on his hands. Taking her in.

“Penny,” he says, in his ‘ladies’ voice that Maya has grown fond of. “How lovely to meet you.”

“You too, dude.” Maya realizes what a power shift this could be in their friend group, if things actually go well today. It could be interesting to see if Penny and Maya can out-couple the resident couple of the group. Pretty doubtful, considering the basically three-year leg up Farkle and Smackle have on them. Three years is a really long time to date a person. You really really know them after that long. But Maya and Penny still have that freshly dating edge.

Maya makes a big show of draping her arm over Penny. Penny instantly leans into her side, scooting closer, putting a hand on her thigh. It’s almost like she read her mind. “It’s cold out,” Maya observes, casually. “This game better be good.”

“Nachos?” Penny offers to the group, grabbing her container. “They’re still sort of lukewarm.”

Smackle shakes her head. Farkle just says, “Thanks, I’m good.” Maya shrugs and pops a chip in her mouth. Ugh, this fake cheese is repulsive. She loves it.

Penny turns to face Maya and raises her eyebrows, asking her something, Maya doesn’t know what, exactly. Maya cocks her head to the side.

“Abigail Adams Patriots!” someone screams into a megaphone. “Are you ready?”

The crowd explodes in a cheer, and Maya can’t help but join in. Everyone gets to their feat, eager and bursting with energy. Maya laughs and rolls her eyes as she hauls Penny up too, insisting that she at least play along. The team banner is positioned in the middle of the field, and the team lines up behind it, ready to charge through. The marching band is playing the school’s fight song, and everyone is raring to go.

The team runs through the banner, splitting it in half, and everyone yells in excitement. This is the beginning of the game, and the air is full of possibility. Below her, she can see the cheer squad in formation, ready to begin the first cheer of the game, and she catches Riley’s eye. She smiles, pom poms at her waist, adorning her cheer uniform, possibly her favorite outfit in the world, and a flower crown that all the cheerleaders wear during the last game, as a tradition. There she is, surrounded by her friends, in the middle of the game she’s always wanted to be a part of, and the girls she’s always wanted to be like. And Maya, with her friends, and with Penny. The most honest version of herself she thinks she’s ever been.

This is good, she thinks. This is change, but it’s good.

-

Unfortunately for the patriots, the scoreboard is abysmal. They’re down by 21 points at halftime, and everyone looks really frustrated. Lucas hasn’t even had a chance to play yet, and Zay was called to the defensive line for only one play. Riley gets it, because there are college scouts there and they need to put in the seniors as much as possible, but still, it kind of sucks. At least Riley gets to be involved the whole game, even if she is fighting a somewhat uphill battle in trying to lift the spirits of her dejected peers.

She spotted Maya and Penny in the crowd, arms around each other, laughing to themselves about something. Farkle and Smackle were next to them, although they might as well have been on a different planet for how much Maya and Penny were paying attention to them. Maya even made eye contact with Riley for a few moments, but she would only smile and lean into Penny a little more. Usually, Maya cheers and screams for Riley. Usually, she’s her number one fan. But things change.

It’s her last game though, and she doesn’t want to think about it. She wants to have the time of her young life, being a cheerleader and performing with her friends. They do their halftime routine to the delight of the crowd, and Riley’s freezing because her uniform is unsurprisingly somewhat sparse when it comes to the fabric, but she’s also warm from the dancing and running around the field, from feeling full and excited and happy, from spreading cheer and happiness to others. She looks out into the sea of faces, covered head to toe in school gear and roaring for her, for her squad. Her dad is on the field, taking a video of the performance. He’s one of the designated teacher volunteers which means he can be on the field with the coaches and administrators, because apparently sitting in the bleachers like the other parents isn’t good enough for him. She doesn’t mind so much, although Auggie and her mother are probably lonely and bored out of their minds in the stands. They usually sit with the other cheer parents, as sitting with Farkle and Smackle started to get kind of awkward for both parties. She winks at her dad when she throws her pom poms to the side during a transition.

The second half of the game doesn’t fare much better for the team, although Riley’s excited because she gets to lead her favorite cheer, one where people have to repeat a bunch of funny animal noises and do a dance. It forces people to stand up, which is overall good for morale, she feels, plus it’s one of the only times when it’s socially acceptable to look incredibly goofy and weird in public. Not that that stops her, most of the time.

It kind of sucks for the last game of the season to be such a terrible loss, especially for the seniors. The squad has an enormous group hug at the end of the game, and everyone showers each other with praise and high fives and emotional speeches. Riley’s never felt more at home than when she’s in this headspace, buzzing from a job well done and with adrenaline.

She meets up with Lucas and Zay in the crowd of people pouring onto the field. While they seem kind of upset, Riley knows that at least they barely contributed anything to the scoreboard, and they have nothing to be sorry for. They hug each other for a good long while. Riley’s flower crown falls off her head.

There’s a tap on her shoulder. It’s Maya, and she flings her arms around Riley tightly, and hugs her close. Riley closes her eyes, and breathes her in. No feeling in the entire universe, no halftime routine or chant or pre game buzz could ever compare to this. “Great job out there, honey,” she whispers into Riley’s hair.

Maya is the first to let go, and her eyes are alight. She would never admit it, but she really does like coming to the football games. The energy in the air seeps into her and makes her come alive in a way that Riley doesn’t get to see all the time. Her parents aren’t far behind, and they give her a hug too, and she just feels so loved. And then they pull apart, and Riley is face to face with Penny.

Her stomach drops out from under her. She spent so long being happy and being present that she forgot to be nervous about this. But now, hours of anxiety are catching up to her, and she’s faced with it now. She must look incredibly stupid, standing there with her mouth hanging open.

“Riley,” Penny says, thankfully breaking the silence. “Cool tricks. When did you learn to cartwheel? I’ve been trying to teach myself for ages.”

She wants to respond that she only learned about a year ago, and it took literally all summer to perfect, and even then, it still sucked. But nothing comes out, and she just laughs. She just keeps thinking ‘this is Maya’s girlfriend’ to herself over and over. That red hair is so striking. “Thanks, Penny,” she eventually chokes out.

Maya makes desperate eye contact with her, and Riley realizes faintly that her parents are still there. “Mommy, will you take me and Smackle and Farkle to Bob’s?” she asks, and grabs her hand to pull her away, hoping the rest of the family will follow suit, and Farkle and Smackle will get the message.

“Sure sweetie,” she says, a little confused as to why they’re fleeing the scene so fast. They jog off the field, and Riley barely stops to say goodbye to her friends, clutching her duffle bag to her chest, and praying her parents don’t ask any questions about the mysterious new girl with hair down to her waist and a permanent smirk.

-

The restaurant is bustling with high schoolers, full of disappointed but happy faces. The burgers are hot off the press, and no, they’re not great, but they taste like post game jitters. Maya and Penny are sharing a chocolate shake and a basket of fries, and wow, she has a girlfriend to share fries with, that’s new. Freshman year Maya had resolved herself to being in the closet for the rest of her life. Penny is of course passing the friendship test with flying colors. She tells countless jokes, and her eyes are sparkling, and it’s all so effortless. She has anecdotes about everything, every teacher, every student, every single day of her life. She’s met the world a thousand times, and it’s dazzling. A little overwhelming, but she’s happy to be along for the ride.

“So, how long have you guys been together?” Penny asks Farkle and Smackle.

Farkle blushes. “A few years now.”

“Wow,” she says, impressed. “What’s your secret?”

“Communication,” says Farkle, at the same time Smackle says, “If we broke up, I’d have to quit STEM club.” They both laugh, and Smackle blushes.

“Plus, without the threat of Lucas, I have nothing to worry about,” Farkle adds. Lucas sneers at him good naturedly, throwing a tater tot at Farkle’s head. Maya knows that he doesn’t want to be here, but Riley insisted, which was nice of her. He’s probably going to find an excuse to dip early so he can hang out with the rest of the team, which is only fair enough. At least she can count on Zay to stick around. “Hey,” Farkle protests. “This is a fine dining establishment.”

Penny raises an eyebrow. “You’re telling me Friar almost came in between this?” Typical Penny, she lives for the drama on and off stage. One of her fatal flaws, as Maya has come to realize.

“Not exactly,” Riley explains. “It was this bit we used to do before it actually got kind of out of hand.”

“I never actually liked him,” Smackle added. “Although, could you blame me if I did?”

Farkle punches her in the arm. She just laughs and buries herself in his arms.

“So basically everyone’s had their ride on the Friar express?”

That makes him roll his eyes. For obvious reasons, everyone’s crush on Lucas the Good is something they don’t bring up that often. “We’re way past that now,” he says, mostly to his half eaten burger.

“Yeah, it was a long time ago,” Riley adds.

“Hm,” Penny says. She looks like she’s thinking about that, but she drops it and the conversation moves on to complaining about the recent onslaught of APUSH homework. (it’s the only class the whole group takes together. They agreed that no matter what, they would always have history. No matter how much homework it seemed to entail.)

They go their separate ways at the end of the night. Usually, Maya goes over to Riley’s place for a sleepover, but not tonight. Riley goes home with her parents, dropping off the rest of the group. Riley understands, she thinks. They say goodbye kind of awkwardly, because Maya and Penny hide in the restaurant when they arrive. Penny is a treasure and she’s not yet ready to tell anyone else that she’s found it, and Riley’s parents are only going to ask questions.

All things considered, though, Maya thinks that the night was pretty successful. No major mishaps, everyone was getting along. Penny’s a really easy person to get along with, but still. It’s a relief. The two of them walk hand in hand. Maya isn’t entirely sure where they’re going, though.

“Your friends are weird,” Penny informs her, smirking a little. Maya waits for the dot dot dot. The ‘but, they’re nice,’ or ‘in a good way.’ But that doesn’t come. There’s a silence, and it stretches on. Of course her friends are weird, they’re some of the weirdest people she knows, and Maya tells them so all the time. But she also loves them, and they love her, so she can. Penny does not. But it’s still silent and Maya knows that she’s lost her opportunity to defend them. The moment is gone.

“Did you have fun?” Maya asks eventually.

“Oh definitely. Especially the part where we lost by thirty points. Remind me why you go to these things again?” Okay, at least she’s joking now. Maya rolls her eyes.

“Come on, where’s your school spirit?”

“I’m pretty sure I lost it when the drama department lost more funds after the budget cuts,” she replies smartly, her lips curled. She squeezes Maya’s hand. “Honestly, didn’t have you pegged as the football going type.”

“I’m not,” Maya insists. “Trust me.”

“But you do it for her.”

“I do it for everyone,” Maya corrects. “Zay and Lucas are one of the only two juniors on varsity. They’re a big deal, at least in that crowd.”

“Uh huh.” Maya can’t see, because they’re side by side, but she imagines that Penny is narrowing her eyes, trying to piece together the puzzle. “Well, I’m glad I got to meet everyone. Do you think they liked me?”

Maya leans a little closer into Penny’s arm. “Of course. Why wouldn’t they?”  
Penny doesn’t answer. Maya looks up at her, and she’s grinning. There’s a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Wanna come back to my place?” she asks.

Maya’s heart stops. She doesn’t know what to say. They never hang out anywhere other than school or the park, most of the time. They both feel that going to their respective abodes would be crossing into somewhat serious territory that neither of them want to consider. “There’s weed,” Penny continues, trying to be coy. Trying to flirt. Maya relaxes. It’ll be fine.

“Is that okay with... the powers that be?” Maya asks. “Like, your parents and stuff?”

“Trust me,” Penny says. And Maya does. At least, she really wants to. Right now, that has to be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh & btw i dont have a beta or anything so all mistakes/weird phrases/severe pacing problems are my own... haha.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> realizing that this could be my magnum opus gmw fix it fic of my dreams where i rewrite every relationship in the show and bring justice to all my favorite characters. anyways if you see me projecting what i wish would have happened in the actual show onto this fic then mind ur business i am still mourning what could have been. also this fic is going to be way longer than i expected i honestly dk how i got to like 15k in the blink of an eye but strap in folks. this is the calm before the storm

November passes in a large gust of wind. Now that football season is over, Riley is going full academic mode, immersing herself in her studies and SAT prep. Her grades really took a dip in October, and her parents didn’t reprimand her for it so much, though she thinks they really should have. She’s behind, and it takes a while to fall back into the rhythm of it. She’s not like Farkle, where she can just blink and suddenly she knows all the intricate details of the American revolution front to back. Sometimes she thinks she might as well be buried alive in all her textbooks.

At least Maya’s still happy. She and Riley don’t spend every waking moment together like they used to, because now Maya has other priorities and she has weekend dates that still remain a secret to her parents. And now that Riley doesn’t have practice after school, they don’t have a reason to take the subway home together, which means no more after school homework time. They’re still best friends, and nothing has changed about that, or ever will. They still have Topanga’s and family dinners and they still get mocha chips even though it’s cold out. But it scares her that they see less and less of each other all the time.

Actually, what’s even worse than that is that Penny doesn’t seem to like Riley that much. She used to sit with them at lunch sometimes, and she and Farkle got along amazingly, throwing quips back and forth about Shakespeare and Yeats and a lot of other names Riley doesn’t know. Smackle was more reserved, but she’s like that with everyone. Penny and Zay talked like they were already friends which, maybe they were, Riley has no clue, and Lucas basically doesn’t sit with them anymore, which is a bummer. Riley’s new hands off approach to friend group tactics might be backfiring on her. But Penny never had a connection with Riley. Their conversations always felt so stilted, and Penny has this permanent sneer that makes Riley feel like she’s being laughed at all the time. Like there’s a piece of spinach in her teeth and no one’s told her about it. It’s bad enough for any random person to not like her, but for it to be Maya’s own girlfriend just seems like a cruel trick of the universe.

She wants to believe it’s all in her head, like she’s just overreacting because she’s paranoid, or because she’s a little sad that Maya’s growing up so fast without Riley. And she is sad about it, but it’s not just that. It’s all these little things, like whenever someone brings up a memory from the past or a silly life lesson Riley’s father taught them. Even if Riley isn’t the one to mention it, Penny’s eyes always find Riley’s, with a little bit of a glare. Riley can’t help the fact that she’s been friends with Maya her whole life and she always will be, and she can’t help the fact that her group of friends will always be there too, no matter who comes in and out of it. She’s been trying to remember if Charlie Gardener had a problem with Maya, or with any of her friends, but she doesn’t think that he did. He didn’t really have a problem with anyone, though.

Penny stopped hanging out with them after a week, and then so did Maya, always in favor of being with Penny’s group of friends. Riley keeps waiting for her invitation to join them, though she knows now that she’s definitely not getting one, and that’s probably for the best. Riley doesn’t want to judge, but a lot of them seem like bad influences. Penny has a good head on her shoulders, and she’s smart, and would never lead Maya into any real trouble. But some of her friends don’t seem that way. Penny isn’t like that, Riley would like to believe. Even though the universe is cruel enough to make Maya’s girlfriend dislike her, it wouldn’t be cruel enough to give Maya a girlfriend that would get her into trouble. That would just be plain wrong.

And Riley has a little more faith than that.

-

Thanksgiving rolls around, and Maya’s really looking forward to it, not just for the break from school but because it means she can hang out with Riley and her family, and eat good food, and be with all her favorite people. Although, really, it’s not like they have anything to celebrate about, unless you think the genocide of an entire indigenous population is cause for a celebration. Riley has already informed Maya to keep those opinions to herself if she wants this dinner to go well, which she resents but understands. At least Shawn agrees with her, even though he’s been tasked with bringing over his apparently famous cranberry sauce.

They arrive at the apartment in a bustle of hi’s and hugs, and it smells absolutely amazing, like cinnamon and gravy and fall. Riley’s wearing this dress that comes just above her knees, and it fits her perfectly, even if it is black, obviously not her typical color of choice. She looks amazing. “Peaches,” she says, and wraps her in a hug.

Things are good between them, Maya thinks, or assumes. They haven’t been seeing as much of each other as Maya would like, but she and Penny have been busy together, and Riley understands. But this apartment is her home, and she’s missed it a lot. Riley’s family is all happy to see her. And much to her delight...

“Uncle Josh!” she gasps when she finally sees him, standing in the corner like a wallflower, which is so not like him.

“Maya!” He grins. She runs up to him and hugs him tight. “It’s great to see you,” he says, and he can’t stop smiling. “Look at you. Wow, Hart. Look at you.”

She can’t help herself, she blushes a bit. Stupid Joshua Matthews. She hasn’t seen him since July, and he looks different. He’s an inch taller, but he’s starting to grow into his height, he’s not so scrawny anymore. His haircut is a little less boyish, though his mop of curls on his head will always remind her of when he was seventeen, and his eyes are kind, though they always have been. It’s _so_ good to see him.

“Look at you, stupid,” she replies. “How are you?”

“I’m really good Maya. And you?”

“Good too.” She pauses. “I guess I have some stuff to fill you in on.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“Bay window?”

“Bay window, right now,” he agrees.

The last time the two of them were sitting here, the circumstances were much different.

Last time, it was sophomore year, at Riley and Maya’s joint New Year’s Eve party, which has become somewhat of a tradition now. Riley always invites her family, and as long as people can stomach the thought of partying with their high school history teacher, a lot of kids from Abigail Adams actually do show up too, which is fun. The cheer squad, some football kids, the regulars from the middle school days. It’s usually a great time.

Except that Maya couldn’t stop crying as soon as it hit around ten.

She didn’t really know why. Maybe it was PMS. Maybe it was seeing all the couples around her, already revving up for that midnight kiss. Maybe it was seeing Lucas with Abby, although she hadn’t thought about Lucas like that since eighth grade. Probably, it was because those days, just being around Riley sometimes felt like a knife in her abdomen. It was painful. Whatever it was, she was crying, and she couldn’t stop, and she was sitting at the bay window, trying to find some peace, some comfort.

Of all the people she expected to be knocking at her door, Josh was at the bottom of her list. They hadn’t exactly been on speaking terms even at family gatherings after the whole ski lodge incident. Maya looks back on that day and feels utterly mortified, and frankly disturbed by it all. She hadn’t really understood exactly why she was so obsessed with him at the time, though she had at that point figured out that she really regretted it.

“Maya?” he said from behind the door.

“Go away,” she spat back.

He didn’t listen, and waltzed right in with his casual Josh swagger. Infuriating. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I do.”

“I don’t.”

“Look,” he said, sitting down beside her on the windowsill. “I’m no Riley, but I can do my best. What’s on your mind?”

Maya sighed. A part of her wanted to play along, just to see what would happen, what kind of bay window kind of advice he would give her, but another part of her wanted nothing more than to drag him by the ears and kick him out, locking the door behind her. The former part of her won out. “I’m afraid I’m incapable of being loved,” she said flatly, although she wasn’t really sure that was exactly what was bothering her. It was a start, though.

“You are loved, Maya,” he responded. “By your parents, your friends, all these wonderful people who came here to celebrate with you. By Riley.”

“I don’t mean it like that, dumbass.”

“Ouch, he responded, but he smiled playfully. “And you’re only sixteen. Don’t worry about that just yet. You’ll find love someday.”

“What if I don’t want it to find me?”

“And why would you want that?”

“I would only ruin things. I can’t take that chance. I don’t want to be the reason someone gets heartbroken.”

“Everyone gets heartbroken, Maya. And everyone is a heartbreaker sometimes. We can’t help that. It’s what makes us human.”

“Whatever.” She sniffed pathetically, and reached for a tissue on Riley’s nightstand. “I said I didn’t want to talk about this with you.” She blew her nose loudly, hoping that maybe it would make him go away, to no avail.

“Is this about Riley?” he asked. Not the question she was expecting, but she had to hand it to him. What a perceptive bastard.

“No,” she scoffed. “Why would this be about her?”

“Because...” But he didn’t really explain himself. Not that she needed him to. Maybe she just wanted to hear it come out of someone else’s mouth before her own, selfishly.

“Maya. You like boys that you know deep down you can’t have. You like boys that are Riley’s, in one way or another.”

“What do you mean?”

“Lucas. Riley liked him, and you knew that. You spent so much time and energy on him, you hurt yourself for him, even, but you knew deep down he wasn’t yours and there was no way he could be. And me. And you know why it’s not... Well, I’m Riley’s too. Not in the same way, but Riley is a part of me.”

“What are you saying, Josh?” she asked bitterly, though of course she already knew the answer to that.

“I’m saying, you project these feelings onto the boys that are closest to Riley, you choose to ignore what I’m sure are a lot of better options out there for you, and you put your heart and soul into people you know you can’t have. I know why you do it Maya.”

“Because I’m broken and I like feeling pain?” she supplies sarcastically. What was even the point of telling her all of this?

“Maya,” he says softly. “You don’t have to say it. It’s okay.”

She looked up at him. He seemed confident, sure of himself. Maya had always wished for an older brother, or a sibling of some kind at all, she wasn’t very picky. Thinking of Riley as the supposed sister she never had made her want to gag, so. There was Josh, with his understanding eyes, his reassuring hands, his arms outstretched for a hug, because he wanted to be there for her.

She accepted his embrace, and started crying again. “You can’t tell anyone,” she said fiercely. “Promise.”

“Of course, Maya. I would never, ever.”

“I know.” She meant it.

Now, they sit together again, in almost the same position, only this time, they’re both a little older, and a fraction of a hair wiser. The more Maya grows up, and reaches the age that Josh was when she first started calling him Uncle Boing, the more she cringes. Josh’s behavior wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot, and he knows that, but jeez. What on earth were either of them thinking?

Well, clearly they weren’t. And now that the two of them have come to terms with their respective sexualities, it kind of makes sense. Sort of. Somewhat. Maybe.

“So,” he says. “Updates on what’s going on in Mayaville. Go.”

“Well,” she starts. “I guess I have a girlfriend.”

Josh actually gasps. “Maya, wow. Look at you.” Not the first time he’s said that today. It’s endearing. “What’s her name?”

“It’s Penny, and she’s really cool.”

“That’s awesome, I’m so happy for you.” And he looks like he means it. His eyes are lit up with pride, and he’s grinning. “I’m assuming she’s good to you.”

“Of course. Treats me like a princess.” Mostly true.

“That’s what I want to hear,” he replies. “And you and Riley...?”

Maya shrugs. “Nothing new. Same old stuff.”

“That’s good, I’m guessing?”

“Yeah. It’s exactly how I want it to be.”

“Then good. And how about school?”

“Nothing I can’t handle,” Maya responds. “And you? How’s school?”

“Oh, ya know...” he trails off. “Let’s just say I’m very glad to have a break.”

There’s a knock at the door. “What the heck are you crazy kids doing in there?” Riley, of course. Maya rolls her eyes.

“Talking, is that illegal?”

She barges into the room, smelling of cinnamon. “There’s appetizers downstairs. Come on, my grandparents want to say hi to you, Maya.” She eyes the two of them sitting close, on their bay window no less, but doesn’t comment on it. Getting Shawn to be Maya’s father was one of Riley’s most famous schemes, but getting Josh to be Maya’s older brother was definitely not. Maya figures now that Riley knows about the lesbianism and the girlfriend, their relationship shouldn’t be a problem, but who knows. Riley is a weird girl, with weird and mysterious ways.

“We’ll be down in a second,” Maya says, somewhat challenging.

Riley opens her mouth, like she wants to say something more. Then she frowns, and leaves without another word.

“What was that all about?” Josh asks, raising his eyebrows. Maya sighs. “She thinks it’s weird that we’re friends,” Maya says to Josh, even though whatever it is that has Riley so worked up is probably much more than that. “Can’t imagine why.”

Josh scoffs, but says, “Come on, before she unleashes the puppy dog eyes.” He challenges her to a race back down the stairs, and she’s back in the too-cramped living room, surrounded by people she knows she loves, but wishing she could be back upstairs with her fake older brother, where nothing can hurt her and where she’s allowed to wonder why getting what she wanted feels like a punishment way more than a success.

-

At dinner, Riley suggests that everyone go around the table and voice what they are thankful for, because she wants to keep the positive energy flowing through her right now alive and she wants an excuse to share the love in her heart with her family. It’s been a really good evening, and Maya smiles at her and laughs at Riley’s dumb jokes, and that makes Riley feel special. She used to take those kinds of things for granted, but not so any more.

Her parents both say that they’re thankful for choosing to stay in New York so they can have nights like this. Auggie says that he’s thankful for his parents and the roof over his head, for cotton candy, and for Ava. They’re still ‘together,’ if you can even call it that. Riley always sees them holding hands whenever she comes to pick him up from school. It’s super sweet. Auggie is changing constantly, getting taller and learning about history and long division. His reading level is increasingly higher, and Riley’s mother says that’s unsurprising given his genetics and how Riley turned out. He looks really different these days, and if Riley thinks about it for too long she starts spiraling into an existential crisis about getting older. But he and Ava will never change.

The game of thankful hot potato comes to Maya, who looks happy and satisfied. They’re sitting across from each other, and she’s in between her parents. It’s still such a special thing, that she’s able to say that. Her parents. Riley’s pretty sure she’s on her fifth helping of stuffing, though she’s not about to call her out on it. “I’m thankful for this amazing food,” Maya starts, “and for the changing of the seasons, and I’m thankful that I’ve had so many great people in my life that have taught me so many important lessons. I’m thankful for my parents and everyone else here today.” She then looks right at Riley, and she just lights up, from the inside out. Her smile, her real one, is like a whisper, and Riley is so lucky to be on the receiving end of it so often. “And I am thankful for my history,” Maya continues, and she seems confident, so sure of herself. “I’m thankful for this day and for every day that came before it. And I’m thankful to be in a place where I can say that and mean it. And for Riley, for getting me there.” Riley blushes. They’re forever, Riley thinks, like a swear, or a promise. An assurance. This is proof. She can hear what Maya’s telling her. Their history is proof of that too. A million Penny’s could come along, but there is only one Riley.

Katy squeezes Maya’s arm, and whispers something just for her. “Thanks,” Maya says to the table, leaning into her mother’s side. Riley wonders where she’s at with the coming out thing. She hasn’t asked in a while, because the more she asks the less Maya wants to tell them, and Riley doesn’t want to be the reason Maya keeps this inside of her forever. But the way Shawn looks at her sometimes, like she’s the sun and the moon and the stars, like he would do anything for her, makes Riley feel seen, somehow. Like there’s someone else out there who gets how important Maya is. He would be so proud of her for telling him, he would wrap her up in the biggest hug ever and not let go until they both started crying. Not that coming out always has to be such a dramatic show. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t done it yet.

Riley shakes her head. Why does she always get so wrapped up in thoughts like this? Why is she so concerned with how coming out is supposed to happen, or supposed to feel? It’s Maya’s thing, and Riley can’t be involved in it, no matter how much she wants to be, apparently. It’s weird.

She’s the last one at the table to go, and she figures she has to make some sort of closing remark or rousing speech. Maya sits across from her, _still_ nibbling on her serving of stuffing, and Maya thinks about what she said, about history. She thinks about how their lives have changed since the start of junior year, and life isn’t what they thought it was going to be, and how that has to be okay. Because Maya is happy, so Riley is too. “I’m thankful for everyone here today, and I’m thankful that everyone is safe, and warm, and happy. You’re all so important to me, and as I get older I realize more and more that we have to remember that we need each other, desperately. We need each other to remember who we are, where we’ve been and who we used to be, so we can change and evolve. We need our friends to know us, and to see us.

“Life tests us, and life throws things our way that we don’t expect. Tomorrow, we could wake up and everything would be different. But we have each other, and our friends, and the assurance that we love each other, and we’re always going to be there for each other, and that’s proof that life loves us. Fate brought us all here, and we’re alive, and I’m thankful for that every day. I’m thankful for Maya,” she says, looking right at her, feeling that hearth buried deep in her chest, “for reminding me what I already knew: things are going to continue to change, but this never will, and that gives me hope. I’m thankful to everyone in my life that gives me hope.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw in this ch for underaged drinking and some mild gaslighting i guess? like really really mild. theres gonna be more where that came from later as well so yeah. take care of urself.
> 
> anyways! hey everyone im back sorry for the somewhat brief hiatus i was in a rut creatively cuz i wasn't entirely sure where this story was going but im back and better than ever so plz enjoy!!!

For Riley’s birthday, Maya is getting her a pink tulle skirt from a boutique that Riley has been eying from the storefront for months now, a new set of all the Harry Potter books because the one she has is currently falling apart, and a bunch of new coloring books and a set of colored pencils, because Maya read somewhere that coloring helps relieve stress, and Riley could seriously use some of that, in Maya’s unprofessional opinion. She puts her gifts in a huge purple bag with a unicorn on it (she got it from the kid’s section, but she wouldn’t tell Riley that). So yeah, you could call her the best best friend in the universe.

They’re going out for dinner at Riley’s favorite italian place, and maybe seventeen isn’t as big of a deal as a sweet sixteen, and doesn’t necessarily warrant a huge party, but still, it’s special. Even though finals week is right around the corner, they sit side by side, at the head of the table, surrounded by perfectly wrapped gifts, empty dishes of some of the best pasta Maya’s ever eaten, and a loving family. This is the place where Maya feels safe, and loved, like she belongs.

She knows that she’s loved here, that everyone here cares for her and wants her to be happy. She doesn’t fully understand why she’s still so hesitant to come out. No one’s really going to care, not in a bad way, at least. And she really, really doesn’t want it to be that big of a deal. Honestly, she kind of thinks that her parents already know, and they just haven’t said anything. They’ve met Penny a bunch of times at this point, but they also think she’s just a great new friend of Maya’s. Presumably.

Maybe she’s just really afraid of what’s going to change when she says it. Maybe after years of rebuilding her trust with her mother, after years of learning to trust her new father and trying to open herself up to their love again, she’s scared of doing anything to ruin that. Or maybe she just misses the feeling of not wanting to tell people things. It’s what she’s used to, after all. Sometimes, opening yourself up to being loved and seen hurts more than the feeling of relief you get from it. Sometimes having secrets isn’t a bad thing at all.

Riley passes her the bread basket, and she smiles. “What are you thinking about, peaches?”

“Oh, nothing,” she responds, as nonchalant as she can manage.

“It’s not nothing,” Riley insists. “Is everything okay?”

“More than,” Maya says. “I’m just thinking about how this table is full of all my favorite people in the world and how much I love everyone here.”

“They love you too,” Riley replies, because of course she would say something like that. “More than you know.”

“What are you girls gossiping about over there?” Topanga says from the opposite end of the table, chuckling. “Honestly, it’s like we don’t even exist over here.”

“Yeah,” Shawn agrees. “Come on, the adults wanna be included sometimes, too.”

Everyone laughs, including Riley, who takes her hand under the table and squeezes for just a moment before letting go and snatching another bread roll from Maya’s plate, and Maya realizes that moments like this don’t come around very often. Even in a group full of the most loving people probably ever born, this feeling might not come around for a while. And she’s been trying to spit this out for a while now, even though whenever Riley nags she always acts like she’d rather die than do it. Of course that’s not true. Of course she wants to share this part of herself with the people that care the most.

“Um, guys,” she says. “Can I just say something really quick?”

“Of course, sweetie,” her mom replies. “What’s up?”

She locks eyes with Riley, who raises her eyebrows, and then her eyes widen, and then she smiles that knowing, classic Riley smile. Something on Maya’s face must give her away, maybe it’s clear how nervous she is. But if she doesn’t do this now, when everyone’s in a good mood and she feels safe and reassured that everything’s going to be okay, then it might never happen.

“It’s just that, well. I thought you guys should know. I’m kind of...” She looks to Riley again, who gives her an encouraging nod.

“Is everything okay?” Shawn asks, already frowning. Jesus, she needs to just say it.

“I’m gay,” Maya says on an exhale. “I just wanted to tell you all. Because, you know, you guys all matter to me.”

No one says anything for a second, and Maya cannot lift her head to face anyone, staring at her empty bowl of pasta. Riley finds Maya’s hand under the table and squeezes it reassuringly.

“Sweetheart,” her mother says, a little bit of her southern drawl escaping her. “Oh, Maya.” She looks up to see that she’s crying. Or maybe it’s actually Maya that’s crying. She can’t really tell. She looks around the table, and everyone is giving her the same look. Wide eyes, open mouthed smiles, like they all want to say something but don’t know what. She dreads to think what she looks like.

“I’m so proud of you,” Riley whispers.

“Thank you for telling us,” Topanga says, and she’s crying too. Seriously, tears spread like diseases with these people. “We love you so much, Maya.”

“I love you too,” says Maya. Riley hugs her, then, so tightly. It feels so nice. It’s the best hug she’s had since school started.

Everyone else follows suit too. Even Auggie gets up to come hug Maya, wrapping her up in a ridiculous group hug that has everyone laughing. Riley hugs the tightest. She’s not crying, which Maya wasn’t expecting, but it’s still kind of reassuring, in a weird way. Being gay doesn’t have to be such a big deal, if she doesn’t want it to be. It can just be this tiny thing that’s a part of herself. That’s not a bad thing.

Then a waiter comes to clear the plates away, so the group hug kind of awkwardly breaks up, and everyone sits back down, except for Shawn. He takes Maya’s hands into his and presses a kiss to her temple. “I love you,” he whispers, and she can barely hear it over the din of the restaurant. Maya is dimly aware of how public a place she chose to do this whole business. Then she realizes it’s not even her party. They’re there to celebrate Riley’s birthday. Now she feels like a total jackass. But Riley’s beaming. She definitely doesn’t look like she minds. Maya looks up into Shawn’s eyes, and smiles. She can barely look at him sometimes. His face reminds her too much of herself. Reserved, desperate to love and be loved but too scared of what that means. He’s being vulnerable now, but only because Maya was first. Their relationship is still a work in progress. But that’s okay. She gives him a hug, hoping he knows what it means. He sits back down next to her mother, who takes his hand and kisses it.

Riley quickly explains to the waiter that she wants to keep the bread basket. He nods before stacking the dishes. Maya rolls her eyes.

“You eat like a teenage boy,” she teases.

“I just like bread,” Riley insists. “Besides, I’m gonna share with everyone.”

Maya raises her eyebrows. “Sure you are.”

“Can we do presents now?” says Auggie.

Riley laughs. “Of course.”

She gets a brand new phone case and a planner for the new year from Maya’s parents, and some really nice looking eyeshadow pallets from her own. Auggie made her a bracelet and the most adorable card Maya’s ever seen, and Riley beams and puts it on right away. When she takes the tissue paper out of the unicorn bag, she actually gasps. “Maya, you didn’t!” she exclaims, her eyes shining. “It’s the skirt!”

“The what?” Corey says.

Riley takes it out of the bag to show everyone. Maya explains, “She’s been detailing all the outfits she could wear with it since September but she’s never gotten it. I was sick of hearing her talk about it but not actually buy it.”

“Now I can actually make those outfits a reality,” Riley says. “Thank you, Maya.”

“There’s more.”

Her eyes widen. “More?” Her hands fly to the top of the bag. “Maya!” She spots the box set, and the coloring books. “Maya, you shouldn’t have.”

“Yes, I should have, actually.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“I could say the same of you,” Maya replies, looking at her flushed cheeks, the wave of her brown hair brushing her shoulders, the way her eyes are like a hug, the most comforting feeling in the world. Her newly seventeen year old best friend.

Topanga clears her throat. “What did I say about whispering to yourselves at the table?” she scolds lovingly. “Show us what you got, Riley.”

She obliges, showing off her Harry Potter books and the coloring books. Everyone ooh’s and ah’s accordingly. “Thank you,” Riley says to Maya, putting everything back in her bag carefully, completely ignoring what her mother has just said. Because it’s just for Maya to hear, and just for her to experience. “Seriously. You’re everything to me.”

It still hurts to hear things like that. Not like a knife to the chest, or anything dramatic like that, not anymore. But like a dull ache, sort of. Like her head is going numb.

“Thank you,” Maya responds. “For everything you’ve done for me.” Riley smiles, and doesn’t say anything, but grabs her hands gently. And just for a moment, the world is as it always should be. Just her and Riley.

-

Riley hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in a while. Well, not since summer break. Definitely not a full one since November started. Finals week hits her like a hurricane, like something trying to knock her over in full force. It hurts. It feels utterly insurmountable. She’s been a good student her whole life. She used to like going to school. Now the only time she doesn’t feel complete and utter dread about it is when she’s about to fall asleep and the few precious moments she has when she wakes up and tries to remember whatever cool dream she was having.

At least her friends are there to study with her. Topanga’s has become crazy busy with students from both Abigail Adams and NYU desperately trying to cram, so it’s not always her favorite place to be, but it’s better than studying alone in her room, trying to memorize a million rhetorical devices for her english class or how to conjugate every past tense spanish verb under the sun. Which she still does every night until at least midnight. Then she gets up at six in the morning to do it all over again. She knows she needs this in order to get into a good college, and everyone else she goes to school with seems to have no problem at all with this schedule, but she can barely keep her eyes open during the jeopardy review in history class and she barely has the strength to open her mouth when she has to do her final presentation in speech and debate.

The coloring books Maya gave her sit on the top of her dresser, almost mocking her. (The skirt still hangs in her closet, untouched, too. The reason she never bought it herself is because she knew she didn’t have the courage to pull something like that off. It was more than nice of Maya to get it for her; clearly she noticed how much Riley tended to wax poetic about it. But Maya forgot to give her the dosage of self-confidence that should have come with it.) What she wouldn’t give to be back in middle school, when she was done with all of her homework by 8pm and she had the hours in the day to throw away to just make a pretty picture. Maya’s lucky. She has to make art for an actual grade. She doesn’t have to try and write a perfect essay in just forty minutes for a grade.

As soon as winter break starts, she’s cracking those bad boys open, and coloring every single page with purple, all the purple colors in the house that she can find. Maya explained that she read an article about coloring books relieving stress, and even if it’s total baloney, it can’t hurt to try. Maybe if Riley colors hard and well enough, she can forget about all of this for a while. She can pretend like this isn’t happening to her.

She misses Maya a lot. Besides their study sessions, she barely sees her at all. Ever since her birthday Maya hasn’t really been so keen to spend all her time with Riley, which is fine, but it doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to miss her. After coming out, she told her parents about Penny, so she doesn’t have to sneak around so much anymore. Which means that now she and Penny basically hang out after school every single day. It would be nice if Riley could see that reassuring smirk every once and a while to remind her what she’s doing all this for. But it’s okay. She would rather Maya feel happy and comfortable and safe in her relationship.

But tomorrow officially starts the last week of school before winter break. She just has to get through her finals without choking too badly and she’ll be okay. Riley hasn’t moved from her spot on her bed all Sunday long, reviewing the spanish vocab. Her mother is starting to seriously worry, but Riley assures her that this is necessary if she even wants to dream of passing this test. She’s just about to crack open her math notebook to triple check she has her formulas memorized when her phone rings.

It’s Maya. Lucky her.

“Hey, goofball. What’s up?” Maya greets when Riley answers.

“Oh, just studying,” Riley says. Maya’s voice is like butter, like something she wants to eat. “Wow, it’s really good to hear your voice, let me tell you.”

“Is that so?”

“I’m kind of going crazy all alone in here.”

“Well, that’s great news, because I have a proposition for you.”

“Okay, hit me.”

“So, I was wondering...” She trails off, and Riley can hear some shuffling in the background. “Penny and I are hanging out tonight. Well, actually, we’re going to a party.”

Riley almost drops her phone. “Maya, are you serious?”

“Do you wanna come?”

“Maya, my precalc and spanish finals are tomorrow, you know that. And you’re asking _me,_ me of all the people in the world, to come with you to a _party?_ ”

“Well, actually it’s more like a kickback I guess. I thought you could unwind a bit,” she responds.

“If I get below an eighty on either of these tests, I’m not making the honor roll this semester.”  
“Exactly. So, you’ll be fine. Come on, live a little.”

“Maya, I really need to take these tests seriously. And so should you. Are your parents okay with this?”

“Well, they don’t exactly know what it is they’re okay with, but basically, yeah.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I just said that I was hanging out with Penny. I think they’re too scared to tell me no when it comes to her for some weird bullshit parental guilt reason or whatever. So, like, come on. It’ll be fun!”

“But they don’t know what your actual plans are?”

“Not really.”

“So you not only want me to go to a party the day before my two hardest finals, but you also want me to lie to my parents about it? Are you hearing yourself?”

“Loud and clear,” Maya responds. But clearly, she doesn’t actually. Maybe in middle school, Riley would have said yes, because she always says yes to everything Maya proposes. Because she doesn’t want to be that girl who goes through life having never lived. But college affords opportunities. She has lots of time to ‘live’ in college, too. And she has boundaries now. She’s not just going to follow her blindly through every whimsical thought that pops into her mind.

“You have fun with Penny. I need to study.”

“You’re seriously not coming?”

“No. And I don’t think you should either.”

“Fine.”

Neither of them say anything. Riley rolls her eyes. If Maya’s okay with not passing her finals, then that’s her problem. But she shouldn’t make it Riley’s too. Maya’s old enough to go to a party without Riley supervision. She’s old enough to actually own up to her own choices.

“I’m gonna go back to studying,” says Riley. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

“Okay. Bye.” Riley goes to hang up, but Maya already has.

-

“I take it she’s not on board,” Penny says flatly after Maya sets her phone down. She’s putting on eyeliner still. It takes her forever to do her makeup. They’re always late to things. Maya thinks it’s bad form, but Penny says being late is her brand.

“She wants to study,” Maya explains. They’re both sitting on the floor of Penny’s room, listening to her playlist of a bunch of classic rock songs from the 70s Maya had never heard before she started dating Penny. “She’ll come another time.”

“Whatever you say,” Penny responds. Then, she turns around. “How do I look? Are the wings even?”

“You look great,” Maya says. Penny’s wearing a velvet tank top and snug black jeans with a belt, and her eyeshadow matches her hair. Maya doesn’t exactly have the hottest party clothes ever, so she’s borrowing one of Penny’s old dresses that doesn’t fit her anymore. Maya’s five inches shorter than Penny so it’s really a miracle anything of hers can fit at all.

“And the wings?”  
“Perfect.”

“Then what are we waiting for?”

“Nothing.”

Penny leans over to quickly kiss Maya before standing up to get her bag. “Let’s go,” she says, reaching out to hoist Maya to her feet. They make their exit on the fire escape. It’s freezing out.

Maya told her parents she was going to Penny’s to do some last minute studying and then she’d spend the night there. Penny would take her to school tomorrow. She knows her parents probably would have said no if it weren’t for the fact that her coming out was still fresh in their mind, and she’s still trying to sort of bait them with it, in a weird way. Technically, all of those things she said to them will still be happening. Maya brought her backpack, and did look at a flashcard or two while Penny was doing her makeup. And she will be crashing at Penny’s apartment after the party, which is two blocks away from them. Penny’s friend Allen is hosting tonight, and it’s not really that big of a deal, just some friends and some drinks and music. There’s not much to celebrate, after all.

They were kind of weird about the sleepover part, which Maya expected, but she assured them a million times that she would be safe and responsible and that she wouldn’t do anything irrational. Honestly, that was not a conversation she ever wanted to have with them. She may love them, but not that much.

She invited Riley because she honestly had been feeling kind of guilty recently. She and Penny have been spending a lot of time together, and they’ve also been going to a few parties. Nothing majorly crazy or out of control, just some casual hang outs. And there’s always alcohol there. Maya knows her limits, and she’s never ever had more than one drink or done anything stupid, and she obviously has the annoying Riley voice in her head to thank for that. But Riley doesn’t know about any of it, and that makes her feel guilty. It makes her feel like she’s a liar. Really, there’s a lot of things she hasn’t told Riley, so this really shouldn’t be something to concern herself with so much, but still.

It was a long shot that she’d even want to come, and Maya knew that. Penny probably knew that too, which might have been the only reason she’d agreed to let Maya invite her in the first place.

“She needs to just get out of her shell,” Penny says to Maya as they walk down the sidewalk, hand in hand. “Matthews, I mean. Like, I bet if she just loosened up she’d be fine.”

“She’s already fine,” Maya replies. “She just cares about school.”

“I just mean in general,” Penny explains. “She’s super uptight.”

“No she’s not,” defends Maya. “She’s cautious. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Whatever.” She changes the subject then, telling Maya about a weird theatre kid meme she saw on Twitter. Talking about Riley is always going to be somewhat of a sore spot for both of them. They reach Allan’s apartment, and Penny buzzes up.

Inside is the usual crowd, the drama guys and some girls from the water polo team, some choir kids (the only tolerable ones, says Penny. Most are completely full of themselves or have giant sticks up their asses), and some other assorted juniors in Penny’s friend group. These people are nothing like Maya’s friends. For one, there’s a lot more of them. It was an uphill battle to remember everyone’s names. And they’re all so intimidating. Maya thinks that they all have a lot more experience than she does in just about every area she can possibly name. And what’s more, a lot of them are actually really smart, in various AP or honors classes. She can’t imagine how they have time to be experienced teenagers and be in APUSH too. It’s a nightmare to wrap her head around.

“Maya!” greets Hannah, one of Penny’s drama friends. “What’s up?”

“Hey,” Maya replies. “Not much, just ready for the semester to be over already.”

“Tell me about it. Do you guys want something to drink?”

“I’ll get it,” Penny says. “Maya, the usual?”

“Thanks,” Maya replies. Penny likes to make Maya her drinks. At the first party she ever went to, before she and Penny were together, she didn’t drink anything because she didn’t know what would taste good or not, or what drinks would get her to a place she wasn’t comfortable with. But Penny was like her guru, teaching her all about the different mixed drinks and how all beer is gross and how wine is only good if you dilute it with club soda (at least, according to her). It’s nice to have someone take care of things like that for her, even if it does mean admitting that Penny is and always will be a lot more experienced than Maya. Because it’s nice to have someone taking care of you at all.

And she’ll admit it, it’s really nice to be out, too. It’s nice having other people see Penny take care of her, and for people to see them together. Not just because Penny is super popular, and being seen with her makes Maya feel powerful, but because being seen with a girl like that makes Maya just feel like herself. She’s said before that being gay wasn’t necessarily something she wanted to make a big deal out of, but still.

Maya sits down at the couch, next to some guys she’s met a few times. The only thing she really dislikes about going to things like this is that she feels like she has to be on all the time, like she has to smirk and laugh and be a little bit sarcastic when she tells a joke, like she’s above it all. Sometimes it’s nice to actually unironically care about things. Like she cares about Penny. She also can’t help but be self conscious of the fact that she was late, although probably no one cares that much. But it makes her feel like she’s missed out on part of the night. It’s already 8pm.

“For you, my lady,” Penny says with a fake british accent. “Enjoy.”

“Why thank you, kind woman,” Maya responds, playing along.

“Aw, you guys are so cute,” says Chris, one of Penny’s friends from middle school who looks at them fondly. Penny plops into Maya’s lap and drapes an arm around her, taking a huge gulp from her cup. Yeah, this feels really nice. Maya does the same, but almost spits it out.

“Jesus, P. This is strong.”

“You like it like this, Maya.”

She frowns. She’s pretty sure she’s never had a mixed drink with this ratio of vodka to coke before. It almost burns as it goes down. “Are you sure you didn’t give me yours?”

“Positive,” Penny replies. “Drink up.”

Maybe she’s just being weird or paranoid. It’s just one drink, she doesn’t have to have any more after this. The bass of the music is already seeping into her bones, and she starts to relax. Penny gives her shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and kisses the top of her head before taking another sip. Maya’s totally fine. She’s with Penny, and she’s safe, and having fun. And she’s ignoring the annoying voice in her head that’s telling her she probably shouldn’t be here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr at beattriceduke.tumblr.com and on twitter @YEARNHOURS !! lmk what u think so far :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii sorry for not rly consistently uploading... ik it's sporadic but im doing my best. hope u guys enjoy tho!! lmk what u think so far lol
> 
> tw: underage drinking

Riley’s trying to focus on studying, but she can’t get her conversation with Maya out of her head. It really bothered her, for some reason. A lot of things about Maya have been bothering her recently, she realizes.

Sure, Maya isn’t the most responsible person in the world, she’s far from perfect, but she still has enough common sense to know when it’s time to let loose and enjoy yourself and when it’s time to take things seriously. And the fact that she asked Riley to get involved with something so utterly careless is kind of weird. Riley would do anything for Maya, but this was pushing it, and Maya must have known it, which is probably why she didn’t use ring power to get Riley to come with her and Penny to the party.

Riley’s been to parties hosted by football guys before. She and Maya always go together so they can keep an eye on each other. She’s not stupid, she knows what they get up to. And it’s fine if it’s a weekend and there isn’t something important coming up, but the day before finals? Is she crazy uptight to think that going to a party now is a terrible idea, or is she just being paranoid and too obsessed with her grades?

She wants to give Maya her space, give her some independence to grow and change without Riley constantly breathing down her neck, but still, she should have done more to convince Maya to not go to the party. What kind of good influence is she supposed to be if Maya still gets herself into trouble? What if her grades majorly suffer because of this? Not that it would really be Riley’s fault, but still. She feels like a bad friend. She should be doing better.

It doesn’t do her any good to think like this now. Because what is she supposed to do? Call her and beg her to leave? Try and force her to get a good night’s sleep before tomorrow? It’s not like a good night’s sleep is in Riley’s immediate future. It’s almost 10:30 and she’s not even close to being asleep yet.

Maya hasn’t invited her to hang out with Penny in a long time. Possibly ever. She should have just gone with. Then at least Riley wouldn’t be so worried.

Her mom knocks on her door, interrupting her thoughts. “Can I come in, honey?”

“Sure,” Riley replies.

She slowly opens the door, and takes in the sight before her. Books and papers strewn about everywhere, Riley’s wild hair in a messy bun, half a glass of iced coffee on the bedside table. “I’m heading to bed, Riley. You should think about doing the same.”

“Soon,” Riley responds. “I promise.”

Her mom sits on the edge of her bed, careful not to mess up the arrangement of flashcards. “Don’t stress about this too much, sweetie. You’re going to do well on these tests. You know the material.”

“I know, mom. I’m just triple checking. I promise I’ll be in bed soon.”

“Good.” She leans over to kiss Riley on her temple. “I’ll see you in the morning.” And then she gets up and walks away, leaving Riley to her mess, her neurotic musings.

Riley sighs. It is getting late. It would probably be best if she called it a night. Those conjugations aren’t going to sink in now if they haven’t already.

She feels something vibrating underneath her covers, and realizes she’s getting a phone call. She checks her phone. It’s Maya.

“Maya?” Riley says immediately after answering. “Are you okay?”

“Rileyyyyyy,” she says, drawing out the y and sounding a little bit whiny. “Riley, I wanna go home.”

Riley frowns. “Okay. Why don’t you?”

“I can’t.” The sound of music is faint in the background, but Maya’s voice sounds echoey. “I need you to come get me.”

“Where are you?”

“Allen Hearston’s.”

“That doesn’t help me.”

“I can text you his address. It’s not even ten minutes from your place.”

“Why can’t Penny take you home?”

“She just can’t, okay? Riley, please,” she says, her voice breaking. It makes Riley’s insides feel like mush. Or like the spikes on a cactus. “Just come pick me up.”

“It’s almost eleven. Your parents can’t drive you home?”

“I don’t want to bother them. They’re probably asleep.”

“They’re your parents, Maya.”

“Riley,” she says, much more forcefully. “I don’t want to call them. I don’t want them to know. Please just take me home.”

“Okay, Maya. I will. Just hang tight.”

“Okay.”

And then Riley hangs up, and her heart is beating so fast, it might fly out of her chest. But she can’t panic. She knows exactly what she has to do, and she’s not going to freak out.

She calls the number. He picks up after the second ring.

“Riley?” he says, groggily.

“Josh. I need your help.”

-

Maya sits on the floor of the bathroom, clutching her phone to her chest. It’s at 10%.

She didn’t really mean for any of this to happen. All she wanted was to have a good time with her girlfriend, to let loose before the end of the semester. To spend the night with her. But then 10pm hit, and she just wanted to go home. Her drink was a lot stronger than she’s used to, whether or not Penny agrees, and her head was starting to feel like complete mush. And she has two finals tomorrow that, truth be told, she doesn’t even know if she’ll pass at this point, because she’s done a lot of irresponsible things before, but nothing like this.

Or maybe she’s just overreacting, and the Riley in her head is overly scolding her about a choice that doesn’t actually matter in the long run.

But as the minutes ticked past, Maya was getting more and more anxious, and sleepy. She told Penny she wanted to go home.

“Maya, it’s barely ten. Relax.”

“Penny, it’s a school night.”

“So?”

“So we should probably go. I don’t want to be here until two in the morning and take my finals on like, less than four hours of sleep.”

“Then we can leave before two.”

“Penny, I want to leave now,” Maya tried again, more insistently. Her head was swimming. “Please.”

“I’m not ready to leave yet,” Penny replied, glaring at Maya. “You need to relax. What do you have tomorrow, PE? Spanish? You know you’re going to pass them.”

“That’s not the point, Penny.”

“Then what is?”

“It’s the principle of it. This isn’t a smart idea. Plus, I’m exhausted.”

“The principle?” she scoffed. “God, you sound like _her_.”

“Penny,” Maya started to plead, but she was cut off by someone calling Penny’s name from the kitchen.”

“Excuse me,” Penny said to Maya before making her leave.

So Maya did the only thing she could think of, and ran to the bathroom, and dialed Riley’s number. Because she might not have totally been in her right mind, but she did know that Riley was the only person she could call.

Riley said she was on her way. That was ten minutes ago. She knows she shouldn’t expect her to show up right away. This probably wasn’t her best idea anyways. But she couldn’t call her parents, because if they knew where she was they would probably kill her. Although, now that she thinks about it, given the fact that Riley’s coming to her rescue (like Maya’s a goddamn damsel in distress) this will probably get back to her parents one way or another. The pounding bass presses into her temples and makes her feel like she’s about to explode.

“Hello?” a voice calls from the other side of the door. “How much longer?”

Oh, so it wasn’t the bass. Someone must have been knocking. “Sorry,” Maya responds, and hauls herself up from the floor. She feels pathetic.

She opens the door to see Hannah. And a small line of people behind her. Yikes.

“You good, Maya?” she asks.

“Fine,” Maya mutters back. Her phone rings in her hand, thank god. “I should get this.” She turns around and walks down the hallways as fast as possible.

It’s Riley. “Hey,” Maya says.

“We’re here,” Riley replies. 

“I’ll be down in a sec.” Maya looks around, trying her best to spot Penny, but she doesn’t see her anywhere. Maybe she’s out on the fire escape. It’s fine. She can text her later. Right now, her ticket out of here has arrived, and she’s taking it.

-

Riley stands anxiously on the sidewalk, biting her nails. Josh is looking at his phone. “It’s five minutes away,” he says. “I think he keeps getting lost.” Riley is so grateful that he agreed to come with her to do this. She doesn’t think she could have done it on her own. But as soon as he called, he knew exactly what to do, and he was at Riley’s window in just five minutes, and together they had practically sprinted to the address Maya had sent her.

“Thanks,” Riley says. “For everything, I mean. Not just the Uber.”

“Of course,” he replies. “Any time.”

She sees Maya coming out the front door, and Riley breathes a sigh of relief. She runs up to her and wraps her in a hug. “Are you okay?” Riley asks.

“Yeah, super.” Maya breaks away, and seems to do a double take. “Josh?”

He kind of smiles. “Hey, Hart.”

“Hi.”

“He’s pulling up now,” Josh announces.

“Who is?” Maya asks.

“The Uber,” explains Josh. “We can’t be walking around at night.”

“Wow, Josh, I really owe you one,” Maya replies. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” he says. “You did the right thing.” A small looking red car pulls up. Josh gets in the front seat, and the two girls sit in the back. Their driver is a friendly looking man who seems a bit confused as to why two high schoolers and a college guy are out on the sidewalk at almost eleven at night. Josh confirms Riley’s address, only a five minute drive from where they are, and they’re off.

Riley stares at Maya, who stares out the window, leaning her arm against the door. The distance between them is a middle seat, but it sort of feels like an ocean. Riley has no clue what Maya’s thinking. She still doesn’t really understand why Maya didn’t just go home with Penny, or why she sounded so panicked when she had called Riley. Like she had to leave or she would break. Did something bad happen at the party? And what about her parents? Even though they would have probably been a little upset at her for going to a party, they still would have picked her up. Maya’s hair falls in messy waves in front of her face, and Riley can barely see her. She always worries about Maya, but it’s never been anything like this. The car ride is silent. Riley distantly wonders what Josh is thinking about all of this, too.

The uber driver drops them off in front of Riley’s apartment, bidding them goodnight before speeding off. The three of them stand at the front door, looking at each other somewhat awkwardly. Riley realizes how tired she is.

“Text me when you get back to your apartment,” Riley says to Josh eventually.

“Sure thing,” he replies. “You girls gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” Maya says, nodding. “Don’t worry.”

“Alright.” He smiles. “Good night, then. Call me if you need anything else.”

He makes a right, and before they know it he disappears at the end of the block. Maya looks to Riley, unsure of what to do.

“Climb,” commands Riley.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re going in through the bay window,” Riley says. “My parents don’t know about this, so. We can’t just go through the front door.”

“They don’t?”

“No, Maya. Otherwise they would have been the ones to pick you up from a house that none of us have ever been to.”

“Oh.” She doesn’t say anything else, but she climbs the ladder of the fire escape. Riley follows close behind.

They get back to the balcony outside Riley’s room, and Maya opens the window, stumbling inside. Riley wonders distantly if Maya had anything to drink. Her bedroom is a little tidier now, as she had stuffed all of her papers and books into her backpack in a matter of thirty seconds while she had waited for Josh to arrive.

“I got you some pj’s,” whispers Riley. “They’re on my bed.”

“Thanks,” Maya whispers back. She picks them up and inspects. Riley turns on the lamp by her bed.

“You can change in the bathroom if you want,” Riley offers. She figures Maya will want some privacy. “Just don’t wake anyone up.”

Maya smirks softly. “I don’t wanna take that risk. Look away if it bothers you.”

“I...” Riley doesn’t know how to respond to that. “Okay.” She does turn her back to Maya, but it’s under the guise of rummaging through her dresser so she can find something to change into as well. She doesn’t know why, but her face is red-hot. It’s so late. She just wants to go to bed and forget that any of this ever happened.

“I didn’t know Josh was coming,” Maya says. Riley doesn’t turn around.

“I figured he would know what to do,” Riley replies. “He knows a lot of things.”

“Hm,” Maya hums. “You can turn around, by the way.”

Riley pointedly does not. “I’m picking out my pj’s.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you have a lot of options in your sock drawer.” It’s a good thing she isn’t looking, because her face is even redder than before. “You’re a nut.”

“You’re a meanie. And that’s no way to talk to the girl who came and rescued you from a party in the middle of the night.”

“It’s eleven thirty.”

Riley turns around and laughs. “Quiet. They’re gonna hear you.”

“Touche.”

She’s still probably beet red. Her heart races. She doesn’t really know why. “Okay, well. I have to change too. So.”

Maya raises her eyebrows, but climbs into the left side of Riley’s bed. “God. I’m exhausted,” she whispers, sinking into the pillows. She turns over and lays her head down. She does look pretty tired. Riley changes quickly and gets under the covers beside Maya, turning to face the back of her head. Maya’s phone is next to the half finished coffee on Riley’s bedside table. She’s breathing evenly, quietly. If Riley didn’t know any better, she’d say that Maya had already fallen asleep. Riley should probably follow suit.

But then she rolls over, and they’re face to face. Maya opens her eyes. She looks delicate, a precious thing. There’s been something twisting in Riley’s chest all night long, and it’s traveling to her stomach. She thought maybe it was worry for Maya, because she was afraid that something bad was going to happen to her tonight, and she still isn’t sure what happened tonight with her and Penny. She cares about her a lot, and she sounded like she was almost hurt over the phone. But in person she’s been carefully neutral, and Riley can’t seem to read her at all. But she isn't worrying in any way. She’s completely fine. So Riley should stop feeling like this.

It feels like it’s knotting in her chest. She needs to unravel it, because it’s making her lightheaded, and she needs to go to sleep.

“Thank you, honey,” Maya says quietly. “For everything.”

Riley doesn’t respond right away. Eventually, she says, “Maya, we don’t have to talk about this right now, because I know it’s late and we want to go to sleep. But. You need to talk to me about this.”

“I know,” she responds, looking down at Riley’s bed sheets. “I’m sorry, Riley.”

“For what?”

“Everything.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Maya.”

“That’s not really true.”

“Maya.” She reaches out to grab her hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Now get some rest.”

“Okay.” Maya smiles, and slowly her eyes flutter shut. Riley realizes this is the first sleepover they’ve had since the school year started. Within seconds, Maya’s breathing steadies, her hand still loosely entwined in Riley’s. She really must have been tired.

Riley watches her sleep, watches her breathe, and dream. She feels warm, like she’s being lit up from the inside. There’s a gem in the pit of her stomach, it’s small and it’s bright and shiny. She can feel it glowing. Maya’s hands feel like her own.

They have to be awake in about six hours, but Riley’s eyes are wide open, and she isn’t sure that she’s getting any sleep at all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy sry for being so ia. i think im gonna try to finish this fic before the end of the month but no promises. let's assume this is about the midpoint tho. & thanks for all the kind words and the kudos!! i appreciate it immensely it always makes my day. anyways enjoy (and apologies if this is somewhat unfocused or messy. i dont have a beta or anything so im my own editor. #struggles
> 
> edit: sry forgot to mention. tw: mentions of underage drinking (doesn't actually occur they just talk about it tangentially)

Maya wakes up to someone gently pushing her. “Maya,” she whispers. “Get up. Come on.”

She blinks a couple times. She’s in Riley’s bed, underneath her comforter, and it’s still pitch black out. Then she remembers what happened yesterday, and her stomach drops. “Penny,” Maya slurs, rubbing her eyes. “I never told her.”

“I texted her last night,” Riley replies quickly. “Now, get inside my closet. My mom’s about to come in and I can’t let her see you. Go.”

“You’re hiding me?”

“Yes. Not unlike a fugitive.”

For some reason, that surprises Maya. What happened to Riley, the golden girl who never does anything wrong and always tells the truth? Maybe she hasn’t fully woken up yet, and she’s still dreaming. But if she were still asleep, then her head probably wouldn’t be pounding like hell. “Alright then, I’m going.” She groans and sits up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She checks her phone, which is charging on Riley’s bedside table; she must have plugged it in after Maya went to sleep. It’s 6:10 in the morning. She has a lot of messages from Penny.

She takes her phone into the closet with her, and it’s just in time, because she hears a knock on Riley’s door. “Riley?” her mother calls. “Time to get up.”

Maya squats on the floor, right above Riley’s combat boots, below a row of dresses. Although it’s dark, she knows the layout in here fairly well. Her head is killing her, and she feels a little bit queasy. Great. The last thing she needs is a freaking hangover and five hours of sleep. Her first final today is PE, and she has to run a mile in less than twelve minutes. Who knows whether that’s even going to be possible today.

She presses her ear against the door to try to hear the conversation as best as she can. “I’m up,” Riley replies. Maya hears some shuffling, and the door opening just a crack. “See, I even got out of bed.”

“Impressive,” her mother croons. “I’m making pancakes. With blueberries, too. Fifteen minutes.” Maya used to feel a pang of jealousy about Riley’s daily breakfast meals, but now she has her own too. They’re not all they’re cracked up to be. Waking up early just to eat kind of sucks. Riley’s mom shuts the door then, and Riley hurries back to the closet. “You can come out now,” she whispers through the crack by the door handle.

“I did already,” Maya jokes, rubbing her eyes. “Remember?”

“Ha.” She opens the door. She looks truly exhausted. She hasn’t put on any makeup and the bags under her eyes are killer. Maya never even bothered to take off her makeup from last night. She must look equally bad, if not worse. “I’m gonna use the bathroom before I go get breakfast, and you can use it after me while everyone’s downstairs. And it would be ideal if Auggie didn’t see you. I’m sure we can buy his discretion but he might feel guilty about it.”

Maya stares for a moment, then gets to her feet. “You don’t have to do all of this, Riles,” she says slowly. “If you want to tell your parents the truth I’m okay with that.”

“It’s fine. They would just tell your parents and I know you didn’t want that, so.” Maya doesn’t recall ever telling Riley that, although she isn’t wrong. Maybe her and Riley’s telepathic powers were up and running last night. What they did was really reckless and probably a little bit dangerous, even. And she’s fine now, she had a bed to sleep in and even Josh was there to help. Her head does hurt but it could be worse. Her parents would probably flip if they knew what had happened. They probably would have flipped about the party alone. All of this feels like a really terrible mistake. And the guilt of not telling Riley’s parents is already starting to eat at her insides a bit.

“I should text Penny,” Maya responds, trying to avoid thinking what had already crossed both of their minds a lot already: this just isn’t in character for Riley at all. And since Maya doesn’t know what to make of that, she isn’t going to mention it. “She has my backpack and stuff.”

Riley frowns. “Oh. Okay. Well, I’ll be in the bathroom if you need anything. Hide in the closet if you hear anyone coming by. Or under the bed.” Since when did Riley become the expert on breaking the rules and hiding things from parental figures? The world she knows is turning upside down. Riley gives her one last smile, and turns around, leaving Maya alone in her bedroom, wondering what insane and unpredictable thing would happen next.

She doesn’t want to face Penny if she’s being honest, but obviously she doesn’t have much of a choice. Not only does Penny still have her backpack and clothes, but she also owes her about a billion apologies. Maya literally left her at the party without even saying goodbye, without texting her, without telling anyone that she was leaving. And then she couldn’t even be bothered to text her before she completely zonked out, tired to the bone. Riley had to do it for her. Wow. She’s the worst.

She texts Penny and tries to explain the situation as best as she can. She’s safe with Riley, and she apologizes about a million times for leaving without saying anything and making her worry. Maya doesn’t really want to do this over text. It feels wrong. Especially since she can still barely explain why she did it at all. She knew it wasn’t a great idea. She must have known, somewhere in the back of her mind, even while she was a little bit drunk, that something like this would put a dent in their relationship. And then add the fact that Riley was the person she went home with at the end of the day...

Maya dials the number, but Penny doesn’t pick up. She crawls back into the closet to leave her a voicemail in hushed tones, doing her very best to explain what happened. But there’s really no way for her to paint it where she doesn’t come out as the bad guy. Not even the bad guy, but simply a terrible girlfriend. She doesn’t hang up until she gets tired of hearing herself say “Sorry” too many times. Then she decides to pick out an outfit from Riley’s closet, something that’s not too bright or too pink, and get changed before Riley comes back.

She hears the door to Riley’s room open slowly, and she dares to sneak a peek from the corner of the closet, but it’s only Riley, probably back from the bathroom given her newly makeup-ed face and real clothes, so she opens the door and steps out. “What do you think?” Maya whispers, gesturing to her outfit. She’s wearing one of Riley’s black turtlenecks under the only graphic tee she could find tucked into black jeans which Maya has been unsuccessfully trying to get Riley to give to her because she swears they look better on her.

Riley’s eyes sort of widen slightly, and they travel down her body in a way that makes Maya feel... Well, it’s a little disconcerting for so early in the morning. It’s like she’s being scrutinized. “Great,” Riley whispers back. She shakes her head slightly. “Everyone else is already downstairs, so the bathroom is all yours. I’ll try to get out of breakfast as fast as I can.”

“Okay,” Maya whispers back. Riley gives her one last glance before turning around and closing the door behind her, and then Maya is once again alone.

This bedroom still holds such a special place to Maya, even now. Not just the bay window, but the carpet, the dresser, the pillows on Riley’s bed that Maya straightens out quickly before sneaking down the hallway to brush her teeth and maybe scrub last night’s makeup off. Her toothbrush is thankfully still under the sink, in its usual place next to the backup bathroom supplies, in a pink case. It makes her smile to know that Riley has still kept it even though Maya hasn’t had a sleepover with her since August.

When she’s done, she goes back to Riley’s room and tries to call Penny again, but to no avail. She’s probably still asleep. Maya wonders if she even made it back to her own apartment last night. She’s doubtful. How is she meant to go to school to take her finals without a backpack, though? She’ll just have to cross that bridge when she gets to it.

Maya’s exhausted, and also a little bit hungover. She should have asked Riley to bring her some water or something.

She hears someone coming up the stairs, so to be safe she retreats into the closet again. But it’s only Riley, who knocks softly before entering and becoming slightly alarmed to not see Maya right away. Maya assures her from behind the closet door that she was hiding just in case, and emerges. Riley’s holding two blueberry pancakes and a water bottle. So she knew after all. “Breakfast?” she offers.

“Thanks.” She takes the pancakes and the bottle, and sits back on the bed.

“Are you ready to go, then?”

“I don’t have my backpack,” Maya replies. “But yeah, I suppose I am ready.”

Riley frowns. “Penny didn’t answer you?”

“No, she’s probably still asleep.

Riley kind of rolls her eyes (although Maya pretends not to notice) and rummages in her closet for a second, producing a backpack. Maya munches on a pancake as Riley quickly stuffs the bag with some paper and pens from her desk, and throws it onto her bed. “You can use this for now. I’m gonna tell my parents I’m taking the subway today. Go out the bay window and meet me outside in three minutes.”

Maya raises her eyebrows. “Who are you and what have you done with Riley Matthews?”

“Hey, what’s life without a little risk?”

“Normal.”

“Boring,” she counters. “Now go. I’ll see you down there soon. Oh, and don’t forget your metrocard.” Riley rummages through her desk drawer for a moment and fishes it out, handing it to Maya. Maya looks down at it.

Seriously. Where is the Riley Matthews that she used to know?

-

Riley woke up in a very peculiar mood. Maybe she was just tired and burnt out from studying, exhausted from running around Greenwich Village at 11pm for Maya, and worried about her test grades. Or maybe it’s the weirdness of seeing Maya prance around in Riley’s clothes, something that used to happen with mild frequency but has become a rarity nowadays. But the feeling doesn’t go away even when she slips out the front door, feigning a really good reason to take the subway to school instead of hitching a ride with her mother like usual and making a flimsy excuse for why she had to steal another pancake from the breakfast table (Maya requested a third because she was super hungry).

It persists when she walks out the door into the brisk 7am morning air, meeting Maya on the corner and making their way to the subway with the rest of the morning commuters. She’s so tired, and she would give anything to be in her bed right now under a million blankets. To fall asleep beside Maya, the way she eventually did last night at around one in the morning.

They sit side by side in a subway car. It’s only two stops to school, but Riley can cover a lot of friendship digging ground in the meantime. “So,” she prompts, facing her. “Tell me what happened with Penny last night.”

She groans. “Do we have to do this now?”

“No. But we do at some point.”

“Ugh.” She stares straight ahead, biting her lip. “Okay. So, Penny thought it would be a good idea for us to go to this party to loosen up before today, because she knows that I always do better on tests when I relax and take my mind off of it the night before. It wasn’t even a party, really, it was more of a kickback.”

Riley blinks. “Um, I don’t think I’m cool enough to know what that means.”

“It’s, like, casual, just some friends and we hang out and don’t do anything special. Anyways, I knew that you were stressed about finals so I thought it might be good for you to come along. And Penny actually agreed with me, which...” She trails off, and looks thoughtful for a moment. “Well anyways, you didn’t come, and that’s fine, but then we got there, and I thought that maybe we’d only stay for a few hours, but then she just didn’t want to leave.”

Of course. If Riley had just gone with her like she had asked, none of this would have happened. Not that she wanted to break the rules, but she’s supposed to be there to keep Maya out of trouble, to keep her from getting hurt. “Why not?” Riley asks, trying to shake these thoughts from her mind. After all, it’s not physically possible. She can’t always be there.

“I don’t know, I guess she was having too much fun. But I was drinking. Well, we both were. And don’t give me that look.” Maya glares at Riley, who immediately turns away. She wasn’t even aware she was giving her “a look” at all. “I’m usually super responsible, you know me. But it was just, way stronger than I guess I’m used to, and in my head I knew that we had taken this quest to get me to loosen up way too far, and it was going to be a detriment to my performance on my finals rather than an aid.”

“But she didn’t listen to you when you said you wanted to leave?”

“No, I mean, she promised that we would eventually, but I had just gotten it in my head that I didn’t want to be there.” So even after Maya asked to go, Penny wouldn’t listen. What the hell? What kind of girlfriend even does that? Not that Riley has had an insane amount of experience with relationships, but she doubts that any reasonable significant other would just outright ignore something like that. She feels herself starting to get angry, and that’s not a feeling she usually has this early in the morning, but Maya continues, “I just called you, because I didn’t know what else to do. I probably should have just waited or kept trying to ask her, but...”

Riley wants to say something, actually she wants to say a lot of things, but their subway has arrived at their stop so they get off and ascend the stairs, shoulder to shoulder with a lot of strangers and a few students too. Riley grips Maya’s hand just in case they lose each other in the crowd.

When they finally emerge into the early morning sunlight, Riley lets go reluctantly. But something is stirring in the depths of her stomach. She doesn’t think about it, instead focusing on trying to stifle all of her anger with Penny. But as they walk the few short blocks to school at first in silence, Riley just can’t help herself. “Well, I don’t care how much fun Penny was having. You were uncomfortable and you told her you wanted to leave and she didn’t listen to you. She’s your _girlfriend,_ Maya.”

“I know that,” she spits back, rubbing her temples. “But I still left her there without saying goodbye or telling her where I was going. So I feel really shitty about it.”

“Maya.” She grabs her hand again, and pulls her close to her. They’re almost to the front of school. “You did nothing wrong. She didn’t listen to you, and she should have. That’s all there is to it. And you did the right thing in calling me. Imagine if you had stayed there for God knows how long, and you had gone back to her place in the dead of night, imagine if you were still asleep like she is, and you only became more worried and stressed about your finals. That would have defeated the whole purpose of going to that thing, right? So, you should always come to me when you feel like that.”

“I know,” she responds, looking down. “I just...”

“You have to tell her this, Maya. She has to listen to you next time.” Next time. If Riley had her way, there wouldn’t be a next time. What Penny did was unforgivable. She wants to give this chick a piece of her mind, no matter how intimidating she is or how much she dislikes Riley. But it’s not her place to interfere, not anymore. Historically, interfering with Maya’s life has never landed her in a pleasant situation. Interfering with anyone’s love life, in fact, only spells trouble for everyone involved. She’s done doing that.

“I feel bad for making you lie,” she answers, changing the subject. “I’m sure it sucked for you, so.”

“Seriously, don’t worry about it. You were safe. You were with me.”

“But you tell your parents everything.”

Not true. There’s a long list of things she doesn’t tell her parents about. But Maya wouldn’t know that. The venn diagram of things she doesn’t tell her parents and the things she doesn’t tell Maya is basically just one circle. “Maya, I really don’t want that to be the thing that worries you the most in all of this. Penny needs to listen to you, and frankly, she needs to start caring about her grades the way you do.”

Maya snorts. “Since when am I the one who cares about school?”

“Since I started rubbing off on you.”

“And since when did I say I cared about school?” she adds.

“When you said you did all of that because you wanted to do well on your finals, Maya. Come on. I know you.”

She doesn’t say anything. There’s still fifteen minutes left until the warning bell rings, and Riley has to take her precalc final. She hasn’t even thought about taking a test since last night. Normally, she would be on the verge of a breakdown at this point.

“I don’t know what you think, Riley, but Penny’s not a bad person. We both made mistakes.”

Riley nods. Of course she knows that. No one is a bad person, not to her. Even people that she would maybe like to theoretically punch in the face as a gesture aren’t bad. The world is full of good people. Maybe one day Maya will forgive Penny for doing this. Maybe she already has. So Riley should probably start the task of doing the same. Besides, she wasn’t even there when it happened. She wasn’t the one who had to go through the pain and confusion of feeling abandoned by someone who’s supposed to have your back and look out for you. But her best friend was, and so it feels like she went through it too. No one should put Maya through pain like that.

“Come on,” Riley prompts. “We’ve got time to get to our lockers and say hi to everyone before first period.”

“Okay,” Maya replies, smiling a little. “Thanks for everything, by the way.”

“Of course. I would do anything for you.”

“I know,” she says. She smiles. Something like ripples in a pond move from Riley’s stomach to her chest, and to her throat, but she shoves it down, down, down. She can’t think like this. She just can’t.

-

Maya’s phone is ringing. She can feel it in her sweatshirt pocket. Technically, she shouldn’t even have it, because she’s in the middle of running a mile, but she knew she had to keep it with her just in case Penny ever called her back. Which she has, finally, at a very inopportune time.

She pushes through, and ends up with her fastest time yet, just under ten minutes, and promptly excuses herself to the bathroom. She calls Penny, her hands shaking, trapped in the farthest stall from the back. Luckily, no one’s in here.

Penny picks up after the third ring. “Oh my God,” she says flatly as her way of greeting. “The wondrous Maya Hart finally decides to answer me.”

“I was taking my final,” Maya responds. “I mean, I was running.”

“I gathered that,” Penny replies icily.

“Where are you?” asks Maya. Her head is swimming with everything Riley told her this morning. _It’s not your fault. You need to talk to Penny about this. You did the right thing._ Hearing Penny’s voice on the other line is making her feel weak.

“Me and some of the others are picking up some coffee. We already missed first period finals so we figured we might as well take our time getting there.”

“Oh.” She can hear the faint sound of voices coming from Penny’s end, she realizes. Maybe they’re in that one cafe Penny sometimes takes Maya to that’s right by her house. “Well, just be careful. Don’t get in trouble.”

“We won’t. I mean, as long as you don’t snitch, obviously.”

“Why on earth would I do that?”

“You tell me, you’re the one who’s all buddy buddy with an actual teacher’s kid who also happens to be somewhat of a tattletale, or hadn’t you already noticed that?”

“Penny, please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not, Maya. I get it. I shouldn’t have expected to be your first priority. Not while she’s still in your life.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

She pauses, and Maya hears a deep sigh, and some movement. Someone’s high pitched laugh cuts through from the background. “It’s not lost on me that you abandoned me last night to go home with her, alright? You begged me to invite her, you were all mopey when she said no, and then you left me alone without even a text to tell me where you were, only to end up at her house. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“That’s not fair,” Maya argues. “I told you I wanted to go home and you wouldn’t listen.”

“If I had known it was that fucking important that we leave in the middle of the party, then I would have.”

“But you _did_ know, Penny. You knew because I told you and you didn’t listen to me.”

“So this is my fault. Because everything is always about what you want.”

“Not true.” Maya wants to scream, or cry, but then she hears the door to the bathroom open, and she holds her breath. “I have to go,” she says in a low voice.

“Whatever,” Penny spits back. “And by the way, I’m not going back home, so you’re gonna have to wait a while for me to get your stupid backpack to you.”

Maya hangs up angrily. She’s too awkward to leave her stall, so she sits on the toilet seat, her head in her hands, and waits for whoever came into the bathroom to hurry up and leave already.

Fucking Penny. Maya wants to yell at her, and scream that she’s _wrong,_ that it isn’t like that with Riley, but Penny would never believe her. And honestly, she isn’t really wrong. Well, she’s wrong about some things. But Maya has been trying so hard, all this time, to get over Riley, to try and move past that phase in her life, to grow up and mature and be her own person. And life keeps leading her back to brown bambi eyes and tanned skin and pink dresses and hands that she knows like a home. It’s so infuriating. She wants to kick something. The other person in the bathroom turns the sink on, washes their hands, and leaves, closing the door behind them. Maya stands up, and kicks the gross toilet bowl as hard as she can. Her tennis shoe does little to protect her toes from a tiny burst of pain.

She splashes some water on her face, trying to clear her head, to wake up from this living nightmare. The cloudy mirror shows her someone she doesn’t want to look at right now.

 _What would Riley do,_ she thinks to herself. _Riley always knows how to fix things._ She can’t make everything in her life right, at least not now. But she has to start somewhere. It doesn’t seem like anyone else is coming into the bathroom, so she pulls out her phone again, and sends a text to her mother:

_hey. have to tell you something. call me later._

It’s not going to fix everything. In fact, it’s probably going to make some things even worse than they are now. But it might be a start.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i just want to include some caveats here i guess? or something? idk. so.  
> this ch is kind of long and kind of rambly/very introspective. i also dk if it feels unfocused or weird or even slightly unrealistic, but like im just writing whatever and then posting it as i go w not a lot of planning so. we deal. anyways i promise that there is actually a plot to this and we're kind of getting to it just be patient lolllll. thanks again for ur comments and kudos etc it means a lot :")
> 
> cw for underaged drinking in this ch. (sorry ik it happens a lot)

Luckily, finals week passes without any major hitches. Riley gets As on all of her tests and ends the semester with almost straight As and a B plus in precalc, so, not bad at all. Her family celebrates on Friday with a chocolate cake from a local bakery, and it’s the perfect way to end what has been a trying semester for everyone.

Well, almost perfect. Sadly, Maya isn’t there to celebrate with her like Riley would have wanted, because Maya has been grounded until the end of the year.

She ended up confessing to her parents that she went to a party the day before finals started instead of just studying and spending the night with Penny, like they thought. Weirdly, she didn’t add the extra detail about how she snuck away in the middle of the night with Riley and actually slept at her place. Riley doesn’t know why Maya didn’t just tell the whole truth while she was at it. Maya says it’s because she didn’t want to throw Riley under the bus, but Riley insisted a million times that she would be fine if Maya wanted to add it to her confession. But she didn’t, and now Riley feels like she can’t tell her parents about it either. She was actually planning on telling them at some point, but she can’t now that Maya’s already gotten herself grounded. Then, not only would Riley get into trouble too, but Maya would get into even more trouble for lying about that. No, not lying, as Maya pointed out to Riley on the last day of school. Simply not including certain aspects of the truth. Now, it’s a secret that they share. With Penny and Josh, of course.

But Riley is still proud of her for doing the right thing, even if it’s not fully the right thing. Maya has had her phone and laptop privileges revoked, so Riley can’t call or text her, and Maya can’t ever come visit, which feels like a punishment for Riley as much as it does for Maya, which is maybe what Riley deserved all along, so fair enough.

At the beginning of winter break, Riley holes herself up in her room with her SAT prep books, because she figures without Maya there’s not a ton for her to do. She wakes up early every morning to dive in headfirst into practice exams and study guides. Even though it is break, it still can’t hurt to get ahead. She also sends Maya a bunch of memes every day, even though she knows that she won’t see them until the end of December when she’s allowed to get her phone back. It’ll be something nice for Maya to come back to, hopefully.

Besides one day where she goes shopping for Christmas presents for her family with Crista and Marlee, some girls on the cheer squad, she rarely sees the outside world, in favor of cozying up with her workbooks. But then her mother starts to actually get worried about her, and practically forces her out of the house a few days before Christmas. Riley calls Farkle and Smackle and asks them if they have plans, and thankfully, they’re free for most of the day.

They decide to go to the mall, where they try on winter coats without buying any of them and prance around the Apple store, testing out every ipad and laptop they can find. Right now it’s the anxious, last minute Christmas shopping season, so it’s completely packed with tourists and locals alike, crossing items off their lists. Riley loves this time of year, when everyone’s happy and the tinny mall speakers blast her favorite seasonal tunes, but large crowds tend to make Smackle anxious, so they eventually make their way to the food court, where she and Farkle share a pretzel and Riley sips on a lemonade at a corner table.

“So, what do we think?” Farkle asks. “Should we get our picture taken with Santa, or what?”

“The line is super long, though,” Riley protests. “Also, you’re Jewish. Why do you care about Santa?”  
“I just think he’s a funny dude, conceptually. My parents never let me talk to him when I was younger.”

“Probably because whoever willingly dresses up as a fat man with a long beard to talk to children he doesn’t know is most definitely a creep,” says Smackle. “Or at the very least has a screw loose.”

“Also, just because I’m Jewish doesn’t mean I can’t ask Santa for a gift,” Farkle adds. “I mean, it can’t hurt, right?”

“You get eight days worth of them,” Riley huffs. “Santa doesn’t need to know about your laundry list of gadgets you want.”

“We only do presents on the last day,” Farkle explains. “Come on, we can’t at least say hi to the guy?”

In the end, Farkle’s whining wins Riley over, and they stand in line surrounded by six year olds and parents carrying crying babies. Smackle looks somewhat disturbed by all the strollers surrounding her; Riley guesses her experience and/or love of kids is nonexistent. When they finally reach the front of the line after almost twenty five minutes (“See! I told you,” Riley says) Smackle is comfortable to be the one that takes the picture on Farkle’s phone while Riley and Farkle take a seat on each of Santa’s thighs.

“You kids seem to be a little bit old for a meet and greet with Santa,” he says in a gruff but indeed quite jolly tone.

“My mom never let me as a kid,” Farkle explains, smiling. “She’s here because I forced her to,” he adds, gesturing to Riley.

Santa laughs. Riley tries to ignore the fact that everyone is watching them. “So, what are you asking for for Christmas, then?” he asks.

“I don’t really need anything,” Farkle says. “But my girlfriend really really wants a Playstation. She’s the one holding the camera.” He nods in her direction. Smackle turns red.

“Aw, Farkle, that’s so sweet,” Riley croons. He’s always been like that, putting others before himself.

“And you, ma’am? Anything in particular you’re after?”

Riley ponders for a second. “I just want my best friend who’s stuck at home to have a good holiday. She’s grounded, so.”

“Well, I’ll talk to my elves,” Santa replies, beaming. “See what I can do.”

Farkle raises his eyebrows. “That’s it, Riley?”

She shrugs. “I don’t really need anything either.”

“Shall we smile for the camera?” says Santa. Farkle enthusiastically agrees and the three of them pose for Smackle, who rolls her eyes but seems endeared. “Thank you for that,” Riley says to Santa as they leave the little photo booth and the next family wanders in.

“So?” Smackle prompts, handing Farkle his phone. “How was it?”

“Underwhelming,” he replies. “You’re right, that dude is probably a weirdo. Also, I think I’m about a decade too old to be charmed by that. Although, I’m still glad I did it.”

Riley looks at the two of them, hand in hand, staring at each other like they’re in their own personal bubble. No one can invade Smackle’s space except for Farkle, even now. Sometimes Riley can give her a hug and sometimes Zay teases her a little by trying on her glasses and complaining about her poor eyesight, but it’s always been Farkle for her. And what they have is really special, even if it isn’t necessarily forever. It’s been over two years, though. For them, for how young they are, that’s a really long time. It’s its own kind of forever.

She realizes with a dull pang that she wants that. She wants someone to hold hands with in the mall, to share a pretzel with and to wish game consoles upon just because. She wants someone who will look at her and see a tiny sliver of forever in her eyes. Even though she’s only seventeen, and she has a lot of life to live, and what she’s been given so far has been really, really good, it’s not enough. She wants to be with someone who knows her, who sees her and loves what they see.

It doesn’t even have to be what Farkle and Smackle have, because it’s unique to them, that understanding they share, because they’re so similar and they’ve been so vitally instrumental in each other’s coming of age. That kind of love is beautiful, but it’s rare, and Riley can’t expect it. She’s past that point, anyways. If she wants a piece of forever, the way they do, she can’t just grab it from her past. It doesn’t work like that.

“Hello?” Smackle says, interrupting Riley’s thoughts, waving an arm in front of her face. “Earth to Riley.”

“Sorry,” replies Riley, shaking her head quickly. “What’s up?”

“Farkle asked what you wanted to do next?”

“I don’t know.” Riley blinks. She stares at the two of them, linking arms, leaning into each other. Their own little world amidst Christmas shoppers and children running around everywhere, even next to their best friend. “I don’t know.”

-

Even though she’s grounded, Maya has her ingenuity and her wits, and it only takes her a day to find where her parents are hiding her phone (Shawn’s sock drawer, which, ew, but it makes sense). And it’s really tempting to use it, because she’s been super bored, staring up at her ceiling all day and watching the snowfall from outside her window, but a part of her realizes that this punishment is probably a blessing in disguise. For one, it gives her a good excuse to avoid Penny, who was absolutely furious with her after Maya explained everything, and she can avoid Riley too. Not that she has a good reason to do so, it’s just. The two of them might be spending too much time together.

Well, not recently, not since Penny. But there’s this annoying voice in her head all the time, telling her off for even snooping around for her phone to begin with, and for not being completely honest with her parents about what happened that night. She still doesn’t really know why she didn’t just come right out and say the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Maybe, deep down, she’s still the same girl who’s in love with keeping secrets from her mother because being self destructive is her MO. Or maybe she just wants to protect Riley from her own stupid fuck ups. Whatever. Riley wasn’t happy with her about it, and neither is the mini Riley in her head.

She sees the funny cat memes that Riley’s been sending her, no doubt meant to be a nice and happy gift for when she’s granted her phone again. Maya doesn’t have the heart to text her and tell her that she can see them all now.

In the meantime, she spends a lot of time with Shawn, helping him with editing his photos for his blog, helping out with cooking dinner, doing a lot of chores around the house. It feels weird to be this functional. Shawn gives her hugs all the time and when the punishment was first doled out, he reassured her that he still loved her about a zillion times. She wanted to tell him, “Duh, I know that, you sap,” but she played along instead.

Even now, she’s still trying to reconcile the part of herself that was convinced she would never be happy and the part of herself that wants to be loved and appreciated, that relishes in a father’s embrace and quiet affirmations of love every night before bed. She wants more than anything to be a good person for him, to make him proud, because after everything he’s been through, he deserves a quasi-daughter who doesn’t make too many huge mistakes. Sometimes she’s worried that being gay has somehow tainted the image of the perfect child he deserves to have, although she has no reason to think that. Honestly, it feels nice that she’s finally received punishment from her parents at all given the whole coming out thing; after it happened, it felt like walking on eggshells at dinner with them every night, like they were afraid to actually parent her or critique her choices, but now things are back to normal. Maya is her usual self, up to no good and suffering the consequences. This is barely even the tip of the iceberg of what she deserves, actually. If they knew even half of the stuff Maya’s been up to for the past two years...

And it feels weird to not have a huge knot of anxiety about the holiday season, even if she is under house arrest for most of it. Christmas used to be something she completely dreaded, because it always meant awkward dinners with her grandparents and aunts and uncles, who scrutinized her for not turning out the way they wanted and scrutinized her mother for still being single. It wouldn’t be like that this year, and that’s something positive to look forward to.  
One of the days when she’s brave enough to sneak a quick look at her phone, she sees a text from Zay, asking her if she’d be willing to risk sneaking out to a party. She replies that no, she’s perfectly happy where she is, and he replies, _how about i come to you?_ Maya answers that he can as long as he’s super quiet and it’s late enough that her parents won’t suspect anything.

At around eleven that night, he shows up on her fire escape, holding a six pack. She opens the window to let him in, and he has this stupid mischevious grin. “It’s freezing out,” he whispers as his greeting. Maya rolls her eyes and shuts the door. Zay takes off his shoes and looks around.

Maya wonders sometimes about Zay’s parents. He lives with his dad and stepmom, and he says he likes them fine enough but he misses his real mom who still lives in Texas. He says that his parents here don’t really care about what he does a lot of the time. He says that if he had told them exactly what Maya had told her own parents, they probably would have shrugged and told him to not do it again.

“So,” he whispers. “How’s break going?”

“Splendid,” she replies. “I’ve counted the number of tiles on my kitchen backsplash three times now.”

“And how many are there?”

“Eighty seven.”

“Fascinating.”

He cracks open two bottles and hands one to Maya. She takes a really long swig, and instantly she feels better about everything. She and Zay get to talking in hushed tones. He tells her about how he ended up with pretty satisfactory grades, and how he’s been hanging out with some guys on the football team, and his dad wants him to start thinking about college and where he wants to go. Zay is torn between staying in New York or going back to Texas. He doesn’t want to leave the city behind but he wants to be with his mother again, and to be where his childhood is too. Maya doesn’t have any sage advice for him. She has no clue what she wants to do after high school.

After the second bottle, Maya’s head starts to get a little fuzzy, and she rubs her eyes. It’s just past midnight. “How are you getting home?” she asks Zay. He just shrugs. Maya frowns, but doesn’t want to push him, so she doesn’t say anything else.

“How’s Riley?” he asks.

“I dunno,” Maya replies. “Fine, I guess.”

“You don’t know?”

“Well, I am grounded, in case you forgot.”

“But you were able to text me?”

“True,” Maya concedes. “But I don’t want Riley to know I’m not following my punishment orders to a t. She’d get a whole complex about it and I don’t want to hear it.”

“What about Penny?”

Maya shrugs. “I haven’t talked to her either.” Zay hums, raising his eyebrows. “What does that mean?” Maya demands.

“Nothing, just. I don’t know, how are things with her?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “She’s furious that I ratted myself out to my parents and that we can’t see each other over the break. She tried to convince me to sneak out but I just...”

“Maybe it’s good that you guys are taking a little break,” says Zay. “I mean, you’ve spent every single weekend together since September.”

“Well, we are dating. And not every weekend.”

“Most.”

Zay sighs. “Do you miss her?”

“I guess.”

“Do you miss Riley?”

Maya wants to say that she doesn’t have to, because the annoying tiny version of her lives inside of her mind almost 24/7, but then she would sound like a lunatic, which she is. Plus, that voice has been strangely silent since Zay arrived, which has been pleasant. “Yeah, I miss her. We used to go Christmas shopping together on the first weekend of winter break. I think she went with her cheer friends instead. It sucks. Like, they couldn’t have postponed my punishment until the new year?”

“Uh huh.”

“Uh huh?” Maya questions.

“Can I offer you some advice?”

“No.”

“You need to make up your mind about Penny,” Zay whispers anyways, ignoring her. “Either you get over Riley and commit to Penny, full stop. Or you tell Penny as soon as this is over that you guys can’t be together anymore. Your heart isn’t strong enough to belong to more than one person.”

Maya can feel her face turning bright red, although maybe it’s just the alcohol. She’s never talked about her feelings for Riley with Zay. But of course he would know anyways. “I am over Riley,” Maya responds eventually. “I have been for a while.”

“I know that you think that,” he says, “but you have to mean it, too. And believe me, I’m not just saying this for Penny’s sake, but for your own. Use your grounding wisely. Don’t just count the tiles in your kitchen. It’s almost a new year, Maya. You have to think about what you want.”

“I know what I want,” Maya insists, even though it’s a total lie. “And since when did you get all wise?”

“You think I haven’t just always been like this?”

“No, you haven’t, Zay.”

He shrugs. “Well, just think about what I said.” He checks his phone. “I gotta go. My ride’s here.”

Maya laughs. No matter how hard she tries, Zay is always going to be such a mystery to her. “Well, thanks for stopping by.”

“No prob,” he replies. “See you soon.” With that, he chugs the rest of his beer, leaving the rest with Maya, and climbs out her window and down the stairs. Sure enough, there’s a car waiting for him outside. He waves up at Maya before getting in the backseat, and she watches him drive away.

She puts the other two bottles under her bed, and gets under the covers. She’s tired, really tired, and she thinks about what she wants.

She wants what she can’t have, what she shouldn’t have, what the world is never going to give her. That’s the problem, it always has been from the very start. She wants to preserve what she has with Riley, because there isn’t a single thing in the world more special to her than their friendship. She wants to be honest, with her parents, with Penny, with everyone, but she can’t, because she doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. And because it would mean letting go of some of the things that she holds close to her, and she doesn’t know how to do that safely. She wants to go back in time to that day in Texas and tell Riley the truth, that she doesn’t like Lucas and she never will, and that she’s scared of what that means, and why that is. And she wants to go back in time and tell Lucas to snap out of it, and just date Riley already, to get it over with. She wants to tell her past self that it would have hurt less than it does now, that whatever pain she thought she was putting off by dragging out their stupid triangle would only multiply the longer she waited.

Maya hugs her pillow tightly, and the last thing she thinks before she falls asleep is that the thing she wants, above all, is to feel truly safe, and loved and protected. And that she doesn’t know which girl in her life she wants that from anymore.

-

Riley’s been looking forward to December 31st for a while now, because it’s the annual New Year’s Eve party extravaganza, and because Maya’s punishment expires. Some of her cheer friends will be there, and of course a lot of her old pals from middle school, but Maya is coming, and she’s humming to herself all afternoon as she gets the decorations ready and dumps chips and dip into bowls on her kitchen counter.

Last year was sort of a mess for her, between Charlie Gardener and Lucas Friar and all the other relationship drama in between, but this year is going to go smoothly, without a hitch. And she wants to make this a good party for Maya too, as her welcome back to civilization and because she knows that Maya was unhappy at the party last year, although she has no clue why.

The guests arrive at around 8pm, and Riley is the happiest she’s felt in weeks. Doing too much SAT work was really starting to get to her, but being the host of a party, being a source of people’s happiness and wellbeing, that always puts her in a better mood. And, as though things couldn’t get any better...

“Maya!” she gasps as soon as she sees her step over the threshold. She runs to her and wraps her in a gigantic hug, and doesn’t pull away for way longer than is appropriate, probably. But she needs to make up for several weeks of missed hugs.

“Heya, honey,” Maya replies into Riley’s hair. “Missed me?”

“Obviously. I have so much to catch you up on. Did you hear that they’re recasting the dad in Red Planet Diaries?”

Maya laughs delicately and breaks apart their hug, and Riley notices Penny for the first time. Of course, Maya brought Penny. Riley should have been expecting it, but there was a weird, small part of her that wasn’t sure if maybe Maya’s parents would have forbidden them from seeing each other since clearly Penny was a bad influence or something like that, but alas. Something sort of icy runs through Riley’s veins at the sight of her, but she chooses to ignore it. This is a party, and it’s no time for being such a downer. “Hey, Penny,” Riley says. She reaches out for a tentative hug, which Penny does not reciprocate in any way, staring at Riley with cool indifference. “Matthews,” she says. Ah, Penny. Always has to be the coolest girl in the room.

“Hey, Penny!” says Farkle from behind Riley. “Long time no see.”

She smirks. “Ah, Minkus. I have missed you.” Farkle blushes a little and Riley shakes her head. She loves Farkle to death, he’s one of her oldest friends, but. He gets more syllables than Riley does? He gets a smile, and a side hug? It’s just not fair.

But she’s trying not to think about it. She wants everyone at her party to have a good time, so they put on an early 2000s romcom that no one’s actually watching and sit around the living room, catching up about their winter breaks and enjoying greasy thin crust pizza. Riley attempts to sit next to Maya to ask her about how being grounded was, but Maya seems to maneuver her way to the other side of the room as soon as Riley sits down, whether on purpose or not, and Riley spends the majority of the hour with Zay and his football friends. She tries not to be disappointed by it.

Later, Riley’s mom brings out cupcakes fresh from the oven for everyone to decorate, and Riley’s friends have free reign over the frosting supply, attempting to draw weird shapes and animals on top of their cupcakes (“Cupcake decorating. Great,” Penny says flatly, earning her an elbow to the stomach from Maya, who’s still kind of smirking. Riley squeezes her eyes shut and tries not to think about it). Zay makes a stunningly accurate rendition of Riley’s father using cut up licorice strips for his hair. And it’s a great time. Riley looks around, at her friends, old and new, and thinks about new years and new beginnings, perhaps a fresh start for her to figure out exactly what it is she’s looking for from life.

And in the midst of it all, Maya and Penny sit together, side by side, arms pressed against each other. They’ve been talking to Farkle and Smackle all night, and Penny makes them laugh a lot. They seem to really, really like her. And even though the selfish part of Riley wants to just kick everyone out of her house except for Maya so they can catch up and hang out alone, Maya seems perfectly happy to be glued to Penny’s side, whispering secret things into her ear and laughing about inside jokes only they share. Riley wonders distantly how things are between the two of them after the punishment. From the outside, they seem spectacular, but... Well, maybe it’s just Riley’s habit of being overly suspicious of just about everything Penny does. Maybe everything really is spectacular with them. Farkle shows her his cupcake with a very fancy DNA strand drawing on it, and she actually laughs, and compliments him on his artistic abilities, and it’s just so genuine. She never acts like that around Riley.

Penny’s not even taking the cupcake decorating very seriously. When she thinks no one is looking, Penny smirks and smears a little chocolate frosting on Maya’s cheek, who squeals in protest as Penny licks it off, before pulling her closer for a kiss. Riley looks away. It’s clearly a private moment, and she’s intruding. She always feels like she’s intruding whenever they’re around.

Farkle suggests they play Catan while they wait for it to be close enough to midnight to migrate to the roof. Not everyone finds the suggestion so appealing but Riley plays along and Farkle explains the rules to everyone. Smackle seems to be the only one giving him her undivided attention; people are distracted, talking to themselves, on their phones, or just giddy for the ball drop. From their window, they can hear parties from other apartment complexes, even from the streets, tourists desperately clawing their way to Times Square to be in the center of the action. Riley likes crowds and events, and loves being around people, but something like that would wear her thin.

She’s barely even paying attention. Christa and Marlee nudge her when it’s their team’s turn to make a move, and they’re counting on her to know the rules of the game and know what to do, but Riley doesn’t have a sweet clue what’s going on. She looks up from the game board and realizes that Maya and Penny aren’t even there anymore, and she doesn’t know what happened to them.

It’s not like she can control what Maya does. She doesn’t want that. She just kind of wishes she could have her old best friend back, the one who actually wanted to talk to her, who would tell her she missed her after only twelve hours of not seeing each other. And she wishes she didn’t feel a sense of panic coming on at the thought of maybe beginning to lose her to all of this, to life, to Penny, to the new year.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys. im sorry for not updating in so long ive been super unmotivated to continue with this bec tbh i cant decide what direction it's going in. i keep changing my mind and rewriting it but like. enough. i just gotta go w my gut and finish it already. this chapter's a major turning point i feel, and it's also a little longer as a treat for making u wait so long :) hope u enjoy!!
> 
> cw for drug mentions.

Even under normal circumstances, coming to Riley’s feels like home, but after being banned from the premises for several weeks, it feels much bigger than that. And all of her best friends are there, welcoming her with hugs and greetings and “I missed you”s and everything else. She feels at peace, relieved. When Penny came to pick her up and drive her to Riley’s it felt nice and sweet, and she was happy to see her again, but the drive over was kind of quiet and awkward, especially for a couple that hadn’t seen each other in weeks. Maya didn’t have much to say or update Penny on, seeing as she was at home the whole time. But apparently, Penny didn’t have much to say either.

Nevertheless, she was glad that Penny was coming along to Riley’s party. It had been a while since everyone had hung out in the same place, and coming together is somewhat of a rarity, these days. Ironically, once they get there, Penny loosens up a bit, and actually wants to talk to Maya. She tells her about her break, the new makeup products and shoes she got for Christmas, gossips about the new drama in her friend group. Maya listens intently, and holds her hand even though there’s pizza grease all over it, and she finally feels comforted by Penny’s presence. She feels comforted by all of it, the Christmas tree that’s still up and Farkle’s dulcet tones as he drones on about the new documentaries he’s been watching with Smackle and Riley’s quiet but understanding stare from across the room.

She’s been taking Zay’s advice, and trying to think about what she wants from the new year, what she wants to change and keep the same. Unfortunately she hasn’t really drawn any major conclusions yet, but she thinks she might need to stay away from Riley while she does so. Being around her just automatically clouds Maya’s judgement and she would rather be as unbiased and logical as she can.

Things are really good. Until they aren’t.

“Come here,” Penny whispers into Maya’s ear at around ten. Maya raises her eyebrows but follows her up the stairs and into Riley’s bathroom. Penny winks before locking the door behind her, and turns to face Maya.

“What’s this about?” Maya asks as evenly as she can.

Penny doesn’t answer, but draws Maya in for a kiss. It’s slow, and sweet. It’s a greeting after a month without kissing. Maya didn’t realize how touch starved she was until she feels Penny’s hands in her hair, and she sinks into the kiss, and God, she has missed this a lot. Maya breaks apart gently to tell her so.

“Me too,” she replies. Then, she reaches into her bag and rummages around. “Hang on...” She pulls out a joint, and raises her eyebrows. “Did you miss this too?”

Maya’s eyes widen. “Are you insane?”

“What?” she asks innocently.

“We’re gonna get caught,” Maya says.

“No we’re not, stop worrying.”

“Penny, I just got grounded for lying to my parents about something as harmless as just being at a party. If they knew about this I would be dead.”  
“Yeah, and whose fault was that?”

“Penny, seriously, this is a bad idea.”

She reaches over to open the window above the toilet. “We’ll be quick. Don’t worry about it.”

“No. There’s a literal teacher downstairs. We could get in so much trouble, Penny.”

She pouts. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Someone has to be the sensible one, Penny. If a teacher caught us smoking in his own house, I would literally never hear the end of it. It’s so not worth the risk.”

Penny rolls her eyes, and sits down on the edge of the bathtub. Maya leans against the sink. “You’re such a fucking buzzkill, you know that? If we had just gone to Justin’s party like I wanted, then we could smoke all we want and we would have been fine. But no, we just had to do whatever Matthews wanted you to do.”

Maya blinks. “There’s more to life than getting high, Penny. You know that, right?”

“That’s so far from the point. You’re almost an adult now. You need to grow a pair and stop kissing Riley’s ass.”

“I’m not! She’s not even here right now! I’m the one telling you to stop, Penny.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she argues as she shoves the joint back into her bag. “You never do anything fun because you’re afraid of the consequences and when you do you basically turn yourself in! That’s all because Riley wants you to.”

“That was a choice I made for myself. And are you saying I’m not fun?”

“You just don’t ever wanna do anything cool anymore, Maya. When have we done anything cool together in the past month besides study?”

“Well, I had a lot of work to do. We both did.”

She shakes her head. “Riley’s do-good spirit has infected you. You’ve been rendered incapable of doing fun things. There’s nothing more to say.”

“That’s not fair,” Maya shoots back, icy. “I’m happy with my choices. And I’m genuinely sorry you aren’t.”

“You don’t sound sorry.” Well, she has a point. Maya doesn’t really sound that sorry because she isn’t. She did the right thing, in the end. And now she’s being punished for it all over again. Penny crosses her arms and rolls her eyes. “Maya, I’m not an idiot. I know what this is about.”

“What are you talking about?” Maya asks.

“You’d have to be completely clueless to not know. I’ve known ever since I met you. Before I even met her.”

“Met who?”

“Met Riley,” she scowls. “God, do you honestly think I’m blind?”

“Blind to what?” What is Penny talking about anymore? Is this still about the party, about Maya’s supposed “do-gooder” spirit she’s inherited?

“You two. The way you guys always...” She trails off, running a hand through her hair. “Well, I’m getting sick and tired of putting up with it.”

Maya feels like her brain isn’t working right, like her computational skills are struggling to keep up with what’s being said to her. She hasn’t ever brought up her deranged feelings about Riley or any of the messier parts of the stupid triangle with her before. For obvious reasons. Does she think..? “Penny, she’s my best friend. There’s nothing going on.”

She raises her eyebrows. “Oh, gee, that’s reassuring, considering we’ve been dating for five months. Jesus Christ, Maya.”

“Well, I don’t get it!” Maya shouts back. “What exactly do you want me to say?”

Penny stands up and crosses the bathroom. Maya holds her breath as Penny leans in closer and closer, like she’s planning her attack. She unexpectedly grabs Maya’s hand and holds it up to meet Maya’s face, like she’s a prince greeting a princess at a ball. “Do you see this?” she asks quietly.

“It’s my hand,” Maya replies quietly, feeling incredibly dumb.

She shakes her head, smiling, although it’s not a friendly smile. It’s cruel. “Maya. Your ring.”

Oh. They both look at it, the jewel glinting faintly under the fluorescent lights, small and unassuming but always there, always present. Maya hardly thinks about it these days, the way someone hardly thinks about the fact that they have toes or eyebrows. It’s just there. “She’s my best friend,” Maya repeats quietly, because she needs to break the silence stretching out over the bathroom and making her feel sick, and she doesn’t know what else to say. Penny’s not wrong. Penny knows, and she’s not wrong about anything, not really, and what is Maya supposed to do about it?

“You know what,” Penny responds, dropping her hand and backing away slowly. “I don’t really want to do this right now.” She slings her bag over her shoulder and unlocks the bathroom door. Her movements are slow, extra deliberate, like she’s waiting for Maya to say or do something in response. But what can she say? Every possibility that comes to mind that could rectify this situation is kind of a lie, and anyways her mouth feels like it’s filling up with sand. Maybe Penny wants Maya to get on her knees and beg.

Penny turns around, and her eyes are almost sad, but there’s real anger in them, a brewing storm. Maya recognizes it, she knows it well. It’s what drew her to Penny in the first place. Looking at Penny was like looking into a mirror sometimes. A broken one. “You know where to find me if you want,” she says with finality, and leaves, closing the door behind her.

Maya clutches the sink helplessly, her eyes stinging with tears. She forces a glance into the mirror, and she barely recognizes the person looking back at her. Or maybe she just feels dizzy. _Why can’t I do anything right?_ she thinks numbly, her legs carrying her to the one place she knows she will feel safest right now before she can even process what’s happening. She opens Riley’s bedroom door and collapses onto the bay window, trying to hold back a sob.

Another year has come and gone, and she’s ending it in the exact same way as last time. And the most pathetic part of all is that it’s about the same girl, and the same stupid feelings she’s been harboring her whole stupid life.

-

Riley sees Penny storm off through the front door, closed off and angry. She doesn’t say goodbye to anyone, and Maya isn’t with her. Why would Penny have just left abruptly? It’s barely 10:30. She excuses herself from her Catan team to go upstairs and look for Maya. Something bad could have happened.

First she checks the bathroom, but it’s empty, so then she checks her bedroom, and sure enough, Maya is there, sitting at the bay window, hugging her knees to her chest. She looks like she’s been crying. “Maya?” Riley says tentatively in the doorframe. “What happened?”

Maya looks up, and wipes underneath her eyes. “Oh. Um. Hi.”

Riley’s heart breaks. She rushes to Maya’s side in an instant, sitting beside her, concern laced in her features and her stomach twisting in knots. “What happened?” she repeats.

“Um. Penny just left.”

“I saw.”

Maya looks up and faces Riley. “I messed up, Riley.”

“What do you mean?” She doesn’t answer, just looks down, squeezing her eyes shut. Riley scoots closer, placing a hand on her knee. “Maya, it’s okay. You can tell me.”

She sniffs. “We just, like. Had a fight.”

“Oh, Maya.” She takes her hand in hers, “I am so sorry. Truly.”

She looks at the floor and doesn’t say anything. Suddenly, Riley somehow feels like she’s imposing. Maya looks like she’s far away from Riley, from everything. Why does she feel like she’s slipping away with every passing moment they share?

“Um, this might be weird, but is Zay around?”

Riley narrows her eyes. “I can go get him.” Seriously, since when were the two of them the best of friends?

“Thanks, honey.”

“Of course.” She lets go of Maya’s hand and starts for the door. Riley wants to say something more, but what is there to say? Her best friend has demoted her to the messenger, the collector of the better friend. She can’t take it personally, of course. It’s Penny, and it’s probably a touchy subject. Maybe Zay’s a more unbiased party.

She sprints down the stairs and finds Zay flirting with some of Riley’s friends, of course. She quickly explains that Maya’s at the bay window and needs him before stuffing her face with a ton of pretzels, trying her best to calm down. It doesn’t mean anything. Sure, she and Maya haven’t talked in almost a month, and all night long they haven’t had a full conversation. But it doesn’t mean anything.

Riley’s father suggests the group migrate to the roof to watch the fireworks that are starting, so everyone puts on their coats and goes outside. People seem very grateful for the excuse to abandon Catan. Riley decides to text Maya and tell them where they’re headed, because she would rather not interrupt whatever conversation she’s having.

Outside, the bitter cold air does little to dampen people’s excitement. Riley, for her part, tries her best to be enthusiastic with the rest of her friends, but she finds it hard to play along. She sits down on one of the benches, buttoning up her coat. To her surprise, Lucas approaches her.

“Hey,” he says, grinning. “This seat taken?”

Riley laughs a little, shaking her head, and he sits beside her. She breathes deeply. It’s really nice that he’s here; she hasn’t really talked to him in a long time. Maybe accidentally dating someone will do that. “What’s going on?” he asks. “I saw Penny leave a while ago.”

“I don’t know. I think something happened. She... won’t tell me.”

“Ah. Well, I’m sorry to hear that.”

Riley smiles weakly. “She’ll be fine. I just don’t really know why she wanted to tell Zay and not me. I mean, since when are they the best of friends?”

Lucas shrugs. “There could be a lot of reasons. Don’t worry about it so much.”

Riley looks at him, smiling softly back at her and resting his arm on the back of the bench. No one is paying much attention to the two of them; Riley looks over to see Farkle, Smackle, and two other girls from Riley’s spanish class have taken the Catan board outside. They’re hardcore arguing about something, while everyone else watches, amused. Some people pop some of the party poppers together. Riley nudges Lucas gently with her elbow. “Don’t give me that look,” she chides.

“What look?”

“The one that says, ‘Maybe you guys spend too much time together and are a little too close,’ doofus. I know what you’re thinking.”

“I didn’t even say anything!” he protests, holding up his hands, but he’s laughing.

“We don’t, you know,” she continues, like she’s trying to defend herself, from what, she’s not sure. “We’ve been good about easing up on the clinginess. Especially since Penny came into our lives.”

“Again, I literally said nothing, although, you know. That’s good. That’s healthy.”

“Yeah, so, take that.”

He rolls his eyes playfully. “Riley, I’m being serious right now, whatever is going on with Maya, it’ll all be okay.”

“I hope so. If Penny did something to hurt her, I swear to...” She trails off, and looks away, her cheeks getting red. “Whatever. I just don’t want to be right about her.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just think she’s trouble, that’s all. And I don’t think she and Maya are good for each other. But everyone likes her, so.”

Lucas frowns at her. “Riley, are you... Are you jealous?”

Something catches in Riley’s throat, and her brain temporarily malfunctions. “Huh? You mean, of Maya? Or, of Penny? God, no. What kind of question is that? Why-- why would you even ask that, Lucas?”

“Riley, I only meant, like, because Penny spends so much time with her. I mean, I get if that would kind of make you feel like...” He frowns, squinting at Riley, whose head feels like it’s being squashed by a trash compactor. She doesn’t know why she feels like the ground has been taken out from beneath her, and she’s falling down into a pit of something she doesn’t know. “I’m sorry that wasn’t clear. I only meant that I understand how it feels, to feel like you’re on the outside. She and Penny are close.”

Riley tells herself. “It’s fine, Lucas,” she says slowly. “I knew what you meant. I’m sorry. But it’s not like that. I mean, I’m not jealous.” Forcing that out feels like a lie, for some reason. But it’s not. It’s really not. “They love each other, so.”

He raises his eyebrows. “They do?”

“Well, probably, at least a little bit. They’ve been together for, like, five months. But she hasn’t, uh. I don’t think she’s said the l word. Unless she did and didn’t tell me.” The thought makes Riley want to throw up.

“Have you ever asked?” Something in his eyes makes Riley feel uncomfortable. She doesn’t like where this is going. “It hasn’t come up,” Riley replies. He doesn’t say anything.

Wind whips fiercely through Riley’s hair, and she tries desperately to hold it down. She can hear New Year’s Eve revelers in the distance, and something deep seated tugs at Riley’s chest. “Penny is a jerk for leaving Maya here. I just hope Maya realizes that.”

Lucas rubs his hand gently on Riley’s arm. “You’re a really good friend, Riley. Maya’s lucky to have you.” 

“I hope so.”

“But, you know,” he continues. “She’s her own person. She’s gonna make mistakes and trip and stumble. Penny is a part of that. It hurts to see the people we love get hurt, but they always come out the other end stronger for it, and that’s where you come in. Being there for her is good, but giving her the space to figure out that she needs you is good too.”

“I know,” Riley replies. “I want her to be her own person. I don’t want her to be me.”

“She’s anything but you, I promise. She’s Maya. Always has been, always will be.”

“Thanks, Lucas.” She smiles at him. A nostalgic and familiar warmth spreads through her chest. “Hey, I miss you. A lot.”

He laughs. “You too, Riley.” He rests his head on her shoulder. “Happy New Year, by the way.”

“Yeah,” she says. “Happy New Year, Lucas.”

-

Maya hears a knock at the door. “Apparently, I’ve been summoned?” Zay says. “May I come in?”

Maya quickly straightens herself out and wipes away some smudged mascara. “No need to be so formal. Yes, you can.”

“Cool.” He opens the door, and raises his eyebrows. “What happened?”

“Penny,” Maya responds, as though that explains anything.

“Yeah, I saw her leave,” Zay says, sitting beside Maya. “You guys fought?”

“Over Riley,” explains Maya. “I mean, I thought I could prolong this a little longer. Or maybe I wouldn’t ever need to acknowledge... I don’t know. I don’t really know what I thought.”

“What did she say, exactly?”

“Well, she was like, I know you have feelings for her, and then she shoved our friendship ring in my face, and then got mad, and left. Oh yeah, and she tried to smoke in the bathroom, so. That was a fun one to talk her out of.”

“Huh.” Zay seems to be lost in thought. Maya wrings her hands together and tries not to spiral too much, but it’s hard not to. It feels like her entire life is falling apart. “What are you gonna do?”

“Jesus, I don’t know. I mean, I could deny everything? Or, like, just come clean about... It’s not like I really did anything wrong. I’m not, like, a cheater or anything.”

“Well, obviously you’re not a cheater,” Zay replies. “But, like, I’m not sure that I would say you’re completely blameless.”

“Gee, thanks,” Maya says.

Zay smiles. “Happy to help.”

“So, what should I do?”

“Either tell Riley the truth to clear the air, or break up with Penny.”

Maya blinks. “And option three?”

He laughs. “Maya. No offense, you know I love you. But what else did you think I was going to say?”

She sighs. It’s not like he’s wrong. She can apologize to Penny as many times as she wants, she can kiss Penny as many times as she wants. It won’t change her past. “Okay, so say Penny and I break up. What about the next person I date? Or the one after that? Am I just going to spend the rest of my life breaking up with people because I can’t get over her?”

“Drama queen,” Zay responds, with a judgemental frown. “One day you will get over her. But telling her would speed up the process.”

“Zay.” She glares at him pointedly. He already knows why she can’t do that.

“Okay, fine.” He looks contemplative, which is rare. Maybe he actually is putting thought into it. “This thing you and Penny have. It’s serious. You guys are really serious about each other. ”

“Definitely,” Maya answers. Although she’s not sure how true that is, or how relevant it is either.

“Then breaking up because you hit a speed bump isn’t worth it. Just try to be reasonable. And don’t give up.”

Maya rolls her eyes at how cheesy that sounds, but she doesn’t try to argue with him about it. Even his presence is comforting to her now, and before he can protest she wraps him in a tight hug and refuses to let go until he has to physically peel her off. She sees a text from Riley that everyone has moved up to the roof; she and Zay will join them soon. But for now, she’s content to stay inside, where it’s safe and warm, in this room that might as well be her own childhood bedroom. She doesn’t want to follow Penny to Justin’s party. She wants to be here, where her real friends are, and where her life makes a little bit more sense.

Zay and Maya grab a few more pizza slices before heading outside to join the rest of the party after a while. Riley immediately perks up from where she’s sitting on the bench. It’s not like her to be the wildflower, but Maya figures it’s for the best, because she goes to sit beside her, offering her some pizza, which Riley declines.

“I need to be honest with you,” Maya starts, not wanting to waste any time.

“Yes?”

Maya stares. Her smooth, olive skin, brown eyes, the way her head tilts a little to the left like it always does when she’s listening, really listening to you. And she can’t do it. Before she knows what she’s even saying, she blurts, “Penny tried to smoke in your bathroom. I stopped her, and she was mad, and that’s why she left.”

“Oh.” Riley frowns, and looks down. “Um. Thanks for stopping her, I guess. I’m really sorry she left you.”

“Of course. And it’s okay, honestly.”

“It’s not okay,” Riley insists, turning to face her. “You guys didn’t get to see each other for a whole month, and she just left. And you only get one New Year’s Eve kiss. So, that’s really sucky too.” Maya goes red at the mere mention of something like that in front of Riley. There’s a reason she never brings up kissing with her.

“I don’t care about that,” Maya replies. “I’m happy to spend time with you. I always am.”

“Thanks, peaches.” There’s a pause. “You guys... smoke?”

“Sometimes,” Maya says, shrugging. She knows she has to be careful about how she goes about this. Despite everything, Riley still likes to think of her as this mostly good angel who only occasionally does awful things. Maya doesn’t like ruining that image of her.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble. Or, like, get sick. Or have a bad experience. I don’t know.” She blushes and looks away. “I don’t know anything about...”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Maya assures her, putting a hand on her arm. “I’m really careful, promise.”

“Okay.” She shakes her head. “Well, I hope things are okay with you guys. I know how much she means to you.”

“I’ll probably call her tomorrow. But right now, I’m here, and I’m with you. That’s the only thing that matters to me.”

“Good.” She smiles. “I think the countdown might be underway soon.” As if on cue, an onslaught of shouts and hollers from the street carry into the night. “Come on, let’s join everyone else. I’ll get you a kazoo.” She gets up and extends her hands.

Maya gladly accepts. “Perfect,” she says. And just for a moment, it is.

-

The fireworks are already going off. New York is screaming. The world is screaming. Riley’s friends blow noisemakers and Riley stands by Maya. Light dances in her eyes and across her face. She’s looking up, out into the night.

Maya looks beautiful. Not just that. She looks like a painting, or an old memory in a scrapbook, alight with pinks and greens and golds. But better than that, because she’s real, and she’s right here, and she exists at the same time as Riley. There’s a word for how Riley feels at this moment, but it isn’t coming to her. Maybe there are a lot of words for it. Maya looks over at her, eyes wide, smiling as big as the sun. Something is shifting inside of Riley. Or rather, something is clicking into place.

The countdown to the new year starts, and the two of them lock eyes. “Ten...nine...eight...seven...” Riley doesn’t join in. The world is drowning her, the loud noises enveloping her in a blanket of sound. Maya is the only thing tethering her to the world, (but it’s kind of always been like that) and Riley has to hold on tight before she floats away into space.

_I love you,_ Riley thinks. “Five...four..three...” Then, _No. I_ love _you._

“Two...one... Happy New Year!” Cheers and hollers of joy echo in Riley’s ears. Maya grins in delight and wraps her in a hug. “Happy New Year, honey,” she shouts. Riley still hasn’t found her voice. But she hugs back and doesn’t let go. She never will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my take on the 'italics oh moment' which is crucial to all long form fics (this chapter was literally written as 'oh moment' in my outline haha). anyways come say hi on tumblr (beattriceduke) or twitter (CLAREMONDIAZ) if u want!! :")


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg hey everyone. soz for the hiatus but thank you so much for your patience. i hope you enjoy this new chapter... :)

The night air comes in from the bay window, blowing gently on Riley’s face. It nears two in the morning, and her family has long since gone to bed. At first Riley tried to do so as well, but there was something growing inside of her and she couldn’t ignore it. She tossed and turned for a while before giving up to sit at the bay window, the place that usually makes sense of all of her jumbled thoughts and spits out something coherent, or at the very least comforts her when she has feelings she can’t explain.

Now, she sits with the window cracked open halfway, hugging her knees to her chest, and she can’t stop thinking. About this collection of memories she has with Maya. About the feeling Riley gets when she’s around her, after she’s had a rough day and needs someone to lean on or when she makes a mistake and Maya always forgives her and tells her it’s going to be okay.

She realizes that she’s not really certain what love actually is, what it’s supposed to feel like. Because she’s never actually _been_ in love before. She has crushes on people and she goes on dates but it wasn’t love. It seems like a big word, like an impossible commitment, something that she’s not meant to know or understand.

But when she sits with Maya in this very spot, talking about their days or quizzing each other on history terms or just sitting in silence and staring at each other with quiet ease, she loves her. When they walk hand in hand together after school, telling each other about their days since they have different schedules now and it makes them miss the other dearly, she loves her. When Maya calls Riley in the middle of the night because she can’t sleep and she needs help and reassurance, she loves her. When Maya paints a beautiful picture, something breathtaking and better than the last picture every time, she loves her. How could she not?

There’s something building at the base of her spine, that feels sort of like lightning, traveling upward in slow sparks that fill her with something exhilarating, exciting. It’s always been Maya, from the very first day they met. Maya has always been there for her whenever she was feeling down, needed a friend, needed a person to be there for her and to tell her that everything was going to be alright.

It’s a weird feeling. Not in a bad way, but it’s different. All her life, she’s felt like she still doesn’t know who she is, or what her place is in the world. Other people have influenced her for the better and she’s grateful for it, but there’s always been this feeling that her emotions, her actions, the content of her character was set in stone for her already, before she was even born. Her parents are CoryAndTopanga, the greatest love story she’s ever known, and they’re two of the most amazing, well-adjusted, smart and knowledgeable people to exist. Or so she’s told.

But high school has been teaching her things too. Her dad hasn’t been her teacher for a long time and she owns the tiniest of slivers of the world now, a comforting place to call her own. And nothing has changed between seventh grade and now: If she is building her world now, whether from scratch or from fragmented pieces of the lives she has come from, whatever the case, the first person she wants in it is Maya Hart.

This is something she’s always known, it’s something she will continue to know with certainty for the rest of her life.

It’s a weird feeling, but a good one. A great one.

Riley hasn’t ever stopped to consider if she likes girls, at least like that. So that’s another weird feeling she tries to adjust to as the minutes tick by well into the middle of the night. Again, she still might not know exactly what love feels like. She knows how her heart feels, how it kind of squeezes at the thought of Maya sitting beside her, and Riley being able to run her hands through Maya’s hair, telling her all of the things going through her mind.

She knows what platonic love feels like, what familial love feels like. And she's seen enough movies and read enough novels to know the rest. The ache in your chest, in your heart. But Charlie and Lucas weren’t love. They were crushes.

Life expects certain things from her. It expects her to be soft and kind and good, because it’s who she is. It expects her to go through ups and downs, journeys and experiences to influence her forever. But it’s more than just that. It expects her to know herself, to be a version of herself that truthfully, she hasn’t seen in a long time. Or maybe, one she hasn’t even met yet.

She thinks about expectations, about how everyone assumes certain things about you, so you just go along with it because it’s easy. But more than that, what Riley expected out of life. She is full of love all the time, it’s who she is. Naturally, she expects that of other people too.

Maybe that’s why she clung to Charlie for so long, even though everyone said that he was bad for her and by the end she was starting to agree with them. Because she loves being loved. She loves loving, she does it all the time, it’s so second nature to her it’s like breathing. She loves life, her friends, her family, and it pours out of her every day, every second. But the feeling of receiving some love instead of just giving it all the time, that’s nice. It’s special. When all that love is directed right at you, it’s really special. Charlie Gardener gave that to her for a long time, longer than she probably should have allowed it. But she couldn’t help herself. She was tired of giving love to people who could never understand how much love she was giving them, and she wanted to get some, enough to tide her over, to get her by.

Until when, though? She wasn’t sure. Until she could find better love? That’s kind of mean of her. Even if it’s probably true. Until he got sick of her and left, like she thought he would, like she _expected_ him to. She’s not sure why she expected it. She and Lucas broke up because of a mutual loss of feelings. but when it came to Charlie, she assumed it was only a matter of time before that feeling of being loved that she was beginning to get addicted to would vanish.

But... Her and Maya are her and Maya. It’s something she has always been able to count on. And she never wants that feeling to go away.

That woosh comes flying back into her chest again. Exciting, sure, but also completely terrifying. Because.... What now? How is she supposed to face Maya again, now that she knows this huge, massive part of herself? Can she go on like normal, as though she didn’t have one of the biggest revelations of her life as soon as the clock struck twelve? Normally, she wouldn’t be able to, because she always wants to share her discoveries with the world. With Maya, her world. Riley isn’t the kind of person who can keep things to herself. And when she tries to it only ends in disaster. It was the whole reason she had taken to her whole laissez faire approach to friendship this year.

Does she want Maya to know the truth, or would it ruin their friendship permanently?

Quickly she decides that telling Maya would actually be a very bad idea, for several reasons, chiefly that Maya is in a relationship with someone else. And that Maya is her best friend in the entire world, and she doesn’t want that to change.

Maybe she could try to drop hints about it, let Maya figure it out for herself. Then Maya could be in complete control, and she could be the one to decide if it means anything to her, or if ignoring it is the best course of action.

Oh God, she didn’t consider the possibility that it actually might mean something to Maya beyond making their relationship super awkward. Is there actually a chance that...

No. No, there isn’t. Because if there were, she definitely wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone else. A dull pang of guilt and disappointment courses through Riley, and it feels sort of crippling. Maya doesn’t feel the same way, otherwise she would have said something by now. Riley has an excuse. She’s only known about this new feeling for a few hours.

Okay, truthfully, she’s known for more than a few hours. Truthfully, with this clarity and perspective that the bay window has given her (ah, good ol’ bay window, you’ve done it again!) she can see somewhat clearly that the truth has been staring her in the face for probably years. Not that there is really a lot she can do about that now.

She closes her window and climbs back into bed as it nears three am. She’s had more than enough introspection tonight, which is a rarity. As she pulls the blankets over her body, she thinks numbly that nothing in her life is ever going to be the same ever again, and she has no idea what to think.

But it feels inevitable, like the conclusion to the saddest and weirdest story known to man. The girl who was in love her whole life, who rebuilt her world over and over and would do it forever if it meant she could keep her best friend for another two minutes. The girl who was too late, who had run out of chances.

The girl who would probably spend the rest of her life falling asleep with this terrible mix of elated and disappointed all at once.

-

January first passes. Maya calls Penny five times, texts about thirty times. On January second, she calls three times, on the third just once. On the fourth she decides to give up. Between running away to Riley’s house in the middle of the party back in December, and then not going after Penny after she left the New Year’s Eve party, it seems that they have officially entered cold shoulder territory.

Maybe it’s for the best. She thinks about what Riley said to her, how Penny should have listened to her and been there for her, and how she shouldn’t have abandoned her. About how Maya didn’t do anything wrong. She wants to believe her so badly, but she can’t. Not when the truth about why something inside of her keeps her from committing to Penny wholeheartedly is glaringly obvious and almost impossible to avoid at this point.

What she needs is some sage wisdom. Zay is out of the question, as he’s already said his piece and Maya doubts she can milk anything else out of him. Besides, he’s only going to say things like, “You should tell the truth,” and, “Maybe you should look inside yourself to find out what you truly want,” neither of which she particularly feels like doing. Even if he’s right about both.

Riley is out too. For obvious reasons. Maya doubts that Riley would believe her if she told her that the only reason Penny is ignoring her is solely because Maya talked her out of smoking in her bathroom. Well, maybe she would, since she believes everything. It just doesn’t seem likely. Riley would probably know she was hiding something.

More to the point, Riley has also weirdly been avoiding her since New Year’s as well. She’s texted her a few times but no calls, and no invitations to come over. Not that she needs any usually, but it feels kind of weird. God, she hopes she didn’t do anything to upset her either. She doesn’t think she could handle it.

Maya’s in her kitchen, emptying the dishwasher like the good daughter she has become, and Shawn strolls in, scrolling absentmindedly through his phone notifications. Her mom is at work. “Hey, kiddo,” he greets, looking up to smile at her. “Need some help?”

“Sure,” she replies. He sets his phone down and grabs some mugs to put away in the cabinet. These kinds of moments make Maya feel like she’s living in a play, acting out scenes from a story about functional families. It doesn’t feel like her real life.

“How are things?” he asks. Well, this is probably as good of an opening as she’s going to get.

“Well, actually.” She sets down her dish towel. “Uh, Penny isn’t really speaking to me right now.”

He frowns, staring at her intently. “What happened? Did you get into a fight?”

Maya purses her lips. “Yeah. Um, we’ve kind of been fighting since December.”

“Oh, honey. I’m sorry.” He stops working and turns to face her. “What about?”

She considers what she should tell him. Not everything. Not most of it. “Well, she was mad at me for telling you guys the truth about going to the party, and that we didn’t get to hang out over the break. And then we got into a fight at Riley’s party, and she left, and I think she’s mad because I chose to stay with Riley instead of going after her. She won’t answer my calls.”

He considers this for a moment. “Well, first of all, you did the right thing by telling us about the party. If she can’t understand why you did it, even now, then that’s on her.” He pauses, taking a step towards her. It’s sort of awkward. “Why didn’t you go after her?”

“I don’t know. I was mad at her, I guess. Why, was that the wrong move?”

He laughs good naturedly. “In my experience, stuff like that is usually code for, ‘I want you to follow me and beg for my forgiveness,’ but maybe that’s just me. And usually it’s because I’ve done something shitty.” He falters for a moment. Maybe because he just cursed in front of Maya, not that she cares. “Not that I think you did anything bad, Maya. Did you do anything bad?”

Oh. Well, technically, yes. Technically, not really. “It’s complicated,” Maya answers. “I couldn’t help it, either way. I mean, I tried.”

He narrows his eyes. “I’m gonna need you to elaborate.”

She would rather not do that. Shawn is still Cory’s best friend, and he practically thinks of Riley as his daughter. (That thought suddenly sends a very unpleasant shiver down Maya’s spine.) “I was hiding something from Penny and I assumed she wouldn’t figure it out, but it turns out that she’s known for a while and I don’t know how to fix it.” Vague enough.

“God, Maya, is it serious?” Shawn asks, worried.

“No, no, nothing like that. Just...” She shrugs. “I guess I’m at a crossroads. Zay says I need to figure out if Penny is still what I want right now. I’m not sure how I’m meant to know that.”

“Hey.” He puts an arm on her shoulder, kind and caring. It’s endearing, if a little strange. She suspects that even now, he’s unsure about what he’s doing. He’s a good parent, or quasi-parent, whatever he is for her. She wishes he knew how much she appreciates him. “It’s okay to not know. You’re still young.”

Maya smiles. “Thanks, Shawn.” She is very unclear if this conversation really solved anything at all. At least it’s nice to get some parent-adjacent advice from him. Apparently he knows everything about dating, from what she’s heard from his and Cory and Topanga’s stories.

“This stuff is more familiar to me than you might think, you know,” he says, smiling fondly, like he's remembering something. “Wondering what you did wrong, if you even did anything wrong. Trying to fix it but not knowing how.”

“Well, then,” Maya replies, raising her eyebrows. “What do you think I should do?”

He laughs a little, and picks up his dish towel again. “If I were you, I would be knocking at Penny’s door, begging her to forgive me for whatever made her mad at me.” He frowns as he opens a cabinet. “Actually, that’s not true. At your age, I would have run away from all my problems and prayed that they went away and I wouldn’t have to face them. It never worked, but that didn’t stop me from trying.”

This makes Maya laugh. She tries to picture seventeen year old Shawn, a supposed casanova young adult heartbreaker. Now, he watches cheesy early 2000s rom coms on the couch with her, trying his best to pay attention but devolving the viewing experience into a popcorn food fight, and he bakes a killer eggplant parmesan that’s the talk of the town, and he goes to bed at 10PM almost every night. Listening to stories of his childhood makes her heart ache in a familiar but also strangely disconnected way. It’s stupid, but she wishes she could somehow meet that other version of him. She loves the father that he is, of course, but she... _wonders_. What he was really like. Who he truly was, inside and out.

“But luckily I had people in my life that kept me grounded, and reminded me of what was important. They helped me face my problems.”

“You mean Cory?”

“Mm.” He dries a few dishes absentmindedly. “Have you talked to Riley about any of this?”

“Not exactly. I think she’s probably too close to the situation.” As soon as she says it, she winces slightly.

“In what way?”

Maya doesn’t answer, going red. She hands Shawn some dishes, trying to think of a good response. Nothing is coming to mind. “She doesn’t seem to like Penny all that much,” Maya says finally, after a very awkward pause. “I don’t know. It’s just... It’s messy. I think she’s mad at Penny for ditching me. She said it was, quote, ‘really sucky of her.’”

“I see.” Shawn thinks as they continue to empty the dishwasher in silence. Maya prays that he doesn’t read too much into all of this Riley business. “But it sounds like you know why Penny is ignoring you.”

“I do.”

“Well, whatever it is, I think you should apologize. It doesn’t mean you two have to stay together. Regardless of what you decide you want, it might be nice for her to hear.”

Maya sighs. “I guess you’re right.” But she's not sure what to apologize for. There are a lot of things that are going wrong between them. “Thanks.”

“Of course. Any time.” he smiles, and she smiles back. It makes her feel warm. Loved. Like she's worth something. That whole thing is still quite new to her. “I love you,” she says, unexpectedly, before she really knows what she’s saying.

His face melts. “I love you too,” he says. Her heart clenches. Just for a moment, she's not broken. She's okay. She's golden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (warning: lots of rambling ahead)  
> so ummm sorry that is has been so long. between school and life and whatnot i haven't had time or motivation to write. also my relationship to this show has changed a lot between july and december which has changed my relationship to this fic as well.  
> the biggest change is that i finally watched boy meets world for the first time, and yes i am a terrible person for never having seen it before but better late than never, and watching it has made me think abt gmw differently. not in a bad way or anything but i just have a different perspective. in any case this chapter is just wish fulfilment, as is this whole fic really. but like... idk i have a feeling a lot of what i write for the rest of the fic will be influenced by my bmw viewing experience.  
> in any case, thanks again for your patience, and if you have been anxiously awaiting a new chapter for months now, i hope this satisfies and i hope you haven't forgotten about this entirely lol. tbh i didn't think i was going to continue this but i got some encouraging comments/ asks on tumblr about it that inspired me to continue, so if you did leave me a comment about being excited to keep reading i deeply appreciate it as i would not have continued to write this if it weren't for you guys.  
> lastly, if you have read this far, i am tumblr user benfeldman if you would like to hang out with me there.  
> see you all soon hopefully?  
> oh and ps i have updated the tags to this fic lol i guess something to look forward to.


	11. Chapter 11

Riley’s parents have always been somewhat concerned with how much she studies, but never this much. They've taken to hiding her SAT prep books somewhere where she can't find them, and forbidden her from doing any homework between the hours of three and midnight for the rest of the break. The sad thing is that she literally doesn’t know what to do with the rest of her time. She babysits Auggie and Ava and teaches them how to play checkers, and then her parents come home and it’s back to lying down in her bed, staring up at the glow in the dark stars on her ceiling, wondering how it came to this.

They ask her why she hasn’t seen Maya since new year’s, now that her punishment is over. Riley doesn’t know how to tell them that her own punishment for literal years and possibly a lifetime’s worth of utter stupidity is just beginning. She turns red and can barely respond before she bolts to her room to lie down in her bed and scream into her pillows.

The thing is, the days following her Life Altering Revelation have only given her more perspective. Love is no longer a new exciting feeling, lodging itself in her stomach like certainty and promises. It’s something she is truthfully dreading facing, because it feels like something she is facing all on her own.

To make matters worse, or at the very least to make matters clearer, she’s also coming face to face with an emotion that she experiences quite a lot, but never in this way specifically and never this bad: _jealousy_.

To Lucas’ credit, he was probably spot on with the whole being jealous of Maya thing. The truth is that Riley has been jealous of Maya her whole life in small, subtle, mostly forgettable ways (but it goes much deeper than that). The truth is, ever since Maya revealed she had a crush on someone, or rather, Riley assumed that her big secret was a crush and not an actual girlfriend, Riley’s been jealous. Her inherent distrust of Penny who is undoubtedly a nice and charming person despite sometimes being a bit direct or in your face. The way Riley would spend her nights imagining what Maya and Penny were getting up to, how Maya was around her. Or how Riley would see in person, in front of her very eyes, how Maya was around Penny, how she acted in a relationship, and something inside her would just... Be set alight. Not in a good way, like love feels.

And the way Penny has been chipping away at the Riley and Maya time that she used to take for granted, something she assumed she would always have. The way Riley misses Maya like a home day after day, and it should be fine but really, it’s crippling. 

So she tries to drown herself in her studies to make up for it, until her parents confiscate her books, of course. Now her brain has nowhere else to turn besides her stupid lovesick heart, and the worst part is that everything and every friend she’s ever had just reminds her of Maya. Her eyes, her smile. Her art. Riley tries to clean her closet as a distraction but finds a slew of Maya’s clothes, and memories, and she promptly closes it and grabs a pillow to scream into again.

On the day before school starts again, Riley’s mother suggests that she go for a walk to clear her head. Evidently it’s obvious that something is bothering her. Riley figures that it might be good to get out of the house so she puts on a coat and walks around the NYU campus because maybe thinking about her future, an even more daunting prospect, will take her mind off things. Or at the very least shift her mind from one terrifying topic to another.

It’s not really a campus, exactly, but a collection of buildings, squares, and cobbled streets. As she strolls around, taking it in, she can’t help but think about what it’s going to be like to be in college soon. She still doesn’t know where she wants to apply yet. It’s all so much. And there’s the question of what Maya’s going to do as well.

No. She doesn’t want to think about her right now. She passes by a cafe she’s never been to and decides to go inside to order something. Plus, she’s freezing cold and needs to warm up a bit.

She steps inside, and her eyes widen. At a table in the corner, she spots Josh, of all people. It makes sense that she would see him around here, because he goes to NYU, after all, but still. She’s never run into him on accident before. He’s sitting with another guy his age, and they both drink from large mugs.

Riley feels somewhat awkward, but goes up to Josh’s table tentatively. “Uncle Josh?” she says, and she feels kind of small, all of a sudden. All around her are cool college students who are all much older than she is. It’s weird.

As soon as he sees her, he grins. “Riley!” He gets out of his seat to hug her. They saw each other at Christmas in Philly, but they didn’t really get a chance to hang out that much, as Auggie was hogging him for most of the visit. Before that, not since... Well, the Night. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

“I was just walking around,” Riley answers. “I’ve never been here before so I thought I would try it out. See if it matches up to Topanga’s.”  
This makes him smile. Then he raises his eyebrows. “Oh, this is Damien.” He gestures to the guy sitting with him, tight black curls sitting in a mop on his head.

“Nice to meet you,” Riley says. “I’m Riley.”

“Ah,” he answers, getting up from his seat. “I’ve heard about you. The niece.”

Riley goes pink. “Yeah, that’s me.” It’s a weird feeling, to have no idea who you’re looking at, but for them to know who you are.

“Do you want to sit with us?” Damien asks, gesturing to the table. It’s covered in textbooks and homework. _See mom, college students do homework over the break. Why can’t I?_ He looks quickly to Josh for confirmation, who nods back to him.

“If I’m not imposing,” Riley answers.

“No, not at all,” Josh insists.

“Well, alright then.” Josh pulls up a chair from a neighboring table and Riley sits down. She can’t help but feel awkward and out of place, like she was interrupting something. The two of them keep looking at each other, as though they’re trying to communicate something. It doesn’t make her feel left out, necessarily, just lost, like she missed a social cue or something.

“How do you know Josh?” Riley asks, taking off her coat.

“Well, ah...” Damien starts, and looks unsure of how to continue. “We’re friends... from...”

“Yeah,” Josh adds. “I mean.” He looks to Riley, who raises her eyebrows questioningly. “Actually, um. Damien’s my boyfriend.”

Riley is somewhat taken aback by this. “Oh,” she says, and takes Damien in again. He has sweet little dimples and smooth, dark skin. He’s picture perfect, kind of lanky and gangly, but sweet. Charming. “Cool.”

Damien snorts. “Smooth, Matthews.”

“What?” Riley asks.

“No, I meant your uncle,” Damien laughs. Riley goes pink. Of course.

Josh shrugs. “I probably could have worded it better.”

“No, it’s fine,” Riley says quickly. “It’s really great to meet you, Damien.”

He smiles. “Likewise, Riley. It’s nice to put a face to the name. The phone-call-at-eleven incident, if my memory serves me right.”

Riley instantly turns red. “Oh God, you know about that?”

“I was there when you called,” he explains. “I wanted to come with, but Josh insisted he was fine on his own.”  
“You were tired,” Josh protests. “And I _was_ fine.”

Damien just smiles and rolls his eyes fondly. “Anyways, Riley, do you want something to drink?”

“Oh, I mean,” Riley fumbles. “I can get myself something, but thank you.”

“No, I insist,” he replies, already standing up. “Do you like mochas?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect! I happen to know that they make the best mochas in the city.”

He winks before getting up and heading to the counter. Riley doesn’t want this guy to spend any money on her, but she watches him walk behind the counter and pick up an apron from a nearby rack before putting it on and whirring up the espresso machine.

“Does he work here?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Josh answers. “It’s how we met, actually. I came here to study almost every day because I thought he was cute, and we got to talking and... Well, I did not have the courage to ask him out, which is incredibly rare for me. Luckily, he did first.”

“Aww,” Riley says. She looks to Damien, who looks at Josh with this _fondness_ , and he glances at Riley. As soon as he sees her watching, he looks away, but he’s smiling. Something tickles the back of Riley’s brain. This whole ritual feels too intimate for her to be a part of.

“I was gonna tell everyone at Christmas,” Josh explains. “I had this whole lame speech prepared. But it just didn’t feel like the right time. I’m glad you know now, though.”

“He seems really nice,” Riley says. “He didn’t have to do this for me.”

Josh looks back at her kind of nervously, then looks at the table. He doesn’t say anything. Damien returns and slides the mug to Riley. It’s full of coffee and topped with a ton of whipped cream and marshmallows.

“Tell me what you think,” he commands.

Riley takes a sip. It’s incredibly hot, but delicious. Warm, chocolatey goodness fills her veins. “Mmm. It’s perfect. Thank you”

“Score!”

“I think Damien’s trying to bribe you,” Josh informs her sagely.

Damien nods. “It’s true. Just trying to make a good first impression for the favorite niece.”

Riley frowns. “I’m the only niece.”

“Ah, well. I’m glad you like it. But my break is over so I should probably get back to it.” He smiles. “It was lovely to meet you, Riley.”

“You too,” she replies. “Thank you so much for the coffee.”

“Any time. Seriously, any time.” And he looks like he means it. “Josh needs more people to hang out with besides me. It’s getting weird.”

“Hey!” Josh protests, hitting Damien in the arm.

“Only kidding,” he replies sweetly, pressing a kiss to the top of Josh’s head before heading back to the counter, ready to take more orders.

Josh looks back at him, and something so warm and light tugs in Riley’s chest. But it also makes her feel jealous again, an emotion she’s been trying to get rid of all week.

“He’s cool,” Riley says before taking another sip of her amazing coffee.

“Hardly,” Josh replies, rolling his eyes. “He’s the dorkiest person I know.”

Riley smiles. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Thank you, Riley,” he says, and he faces her. His earnestness and his kindness are so plainly written into his features. Riley has always looked up to him, wanted to be like him, cool and self assured, but open hearted. He’s super smart from what she can glean, and she’s always admired his dedication. Josh chuckles. “It’s sort of weird that you know about all of this before Maya.”

This stops Riley dead in her tracks. “What? Why?”

He shrugs. “We sort of have an understanding about this stuff.”

“Stuff? Understanding?”

“We... like... I don’t know. We were there for each other during our respective sexuality... discoveries, I guess. We talked to each other for a really long time about it. We still do.”

“Really?” Riley struggles to calibrate this new information. She tries to picture the two of them having a bay window moment about being gay. She knew they were close, and she knew they had some kind of strange history, but she had no idea how close they really are. Who knew Maya and Josh had become confidants for one another?

“Yeah,” Josh says. “I’d like to think I gave pretty good advice. Talking to her was helpful. We just had that understanding, I suppose.”

Riley frowns. “Why not me? Why didn’t she feel like she could come to me about it?”

Josh doesn’t say anything, but he pushes aside a textbook that’s in between them, and puts a bookmark in it before closing it up. “There could be a lot of reasons. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

Not something Riley is historically good at.

But she looks to Josh, open and friendly. An award winning smile. Maybe Riley should see why Maya was so keen to ask him for advice. Although she _was_ supposed to clear her head of all of this weird stuff floating around in her mind recently, the universe is presenting her with an opportunity, and she doesn’t want to pass it up.

“I don’t suppose you’re still in the business of talking people through a sexuality crisis?”

-

Maya approaches Penny’s apartment the day before school starts. It’s beginning to drizzle. She knows that whatever happens, she needs to apologize for everything that’s happened, and since Penny seems to have forgotten how to use her phone, she’s going to do it in person. She’s not sure if she’s coming home with a girlfriend or not.

“P,” Maya says into the callbox, desperation clinging to her voice already, “We need to talk.”

The line goes dead and Maya huffs indignantly. She can’t believe she won’t even get to fight for this, and the whole pep talk Shawn gave her this morning was for nothing. She stands outside the apartment complex, and strangers walk past, and she doesn’t know what to do.

Then, Penny steps outside to meet Maya, and she breathes a sigh of relief. Penny doesn’t look so pleased to see her. This is going to be an uphill battle.

“Hi,” she says coldly, folding her arms.

“Hey,” Maya responds. She feels even more nervous than before. “Listen, I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry for everything. I really want to talk about this.”

Penny glares back at her, icy. Apparently she got a haircut since New Year’s, as her hair is about a foot shorter now. Still long, but it looks nice. “I like your hair,” Maya says lamely. How did she so quickly lose her cool over this?

“Thanks,” Penny responds. “What did you want to talk about?” Her arms are still folded and this so far doesn’t seem very promising.

“Look, I’m so, so sorry about everything, I’m sorry for ditching the party and I’m just... I feel really bad about everything.”

Penny doesn’t have a response. She looks at Maya cooly, and Maya isn’t sure what to say next. She still doesn’t even know if this is a ‘please please please take me back’ kind of situation or just a ‘please please please let me apologize for what a terrible person I am’ one. “I never wanted to hurt you,” Maya continues after neither of them says anything. “You’re so important to me.”

“Not important enough, clearly.”

Ouch. “That’s not true, Penny.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No. It’s not.”

She contemplates for a moment, and moves closer to Maya. “Look, I get that your relationship to her is weird. And you want to protect her.”

Maya wants to defend Riley or herself but doesn’t really know what to say. She lets Penny continue. “But the bottom line is, you ditched me at a party to run away with her, and you left me on my own at another party to be with her.”

“You ditched me too,” Maya defends.

“That was very different.”

“I told you I wanted to leave,” Maya says evenly, though she can feel her tone rising. Penny is staying infuriating cool about all of this. “I told you a lot of times and you wouldn’t listen to me. I didn’t feel safe anymore.”

“Well, you didn’t listen to me either,” Penny shoots back. “How do you think it felt, looking around for you in that apartment, wondering what happened to you or if you’d been abducted by aliens, only to get a text from _her_ telling me where you were.”

“I didn’t know what else to do,” Maya says. “You were supposed to have my back.”

She rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Hart. The point is, at the end of the night, I was all but forgotten about. Twice.”

“I’m sorry,” Maya repeats. She has never felt so pathetic in her whole life, and she realizes with a dull pang that this is the most desperate she’s ever been, or ever come off. And she’s desperate for something she doesn’t even know for sure if she really wants anymore. “I’m really, really sorry that I made you feel like it wasn’t the case. I didn’t mean to. I don’t want my mistakes to get in the way of what we have.”

Penny sighs profusely. “What are you saying, Hart?”

Maya doesn’t know the answer to this question, unfortunately. “I just...” Maya looks at the floor. “I just miss you. And I’m sorry I messed up.”

Penny wraps Maya in a hug. “I miss you too, M.” Maya wasn’t expecting that, and it feels so nice, and so familiar, and she can’t believe how much she has missed physical contact. Maya squeezes her back, and she doesn’t want to let go, ever. She’s too afraid of what would happen if she did.

“I want to believe that what we have is worth it,” Penny says slowly as she straightens to face Maya directly. She holds Maya’s shoulders tenderly. “But you need to prove to me that it is, okay? I’m willing to give you another chance. Plus, I kinda want to go inside now. I’m freezing.”

Maya laughs a little. “I can work with that.”

“Good.” Penny grabs her hand. “Wanna come inside?”

Maya nods. And just like that, her life is back on track. Exactly where it should be. Like nothing ever happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u either die an incomplete fic or live long enough to post updates that coincide almost perfectly with the dates in the fic. did that make sense? idk. prob not. anyways, tysm for 100 kudos! glad ur enjoying so far! ik this is a different direction than u might have expected for all characters involved but i have a plan dw.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY FOR THE HIATUS lol. i literally meant to post this over a month ago but i kept editing this meticulously to the point of insanity so here we are. hope u enjoy :)

The first week of school goes past Riley at 90 miles an hour, and it’s a struggle to keep up. Not three days into the second semester and she’s already drowning in history homework and pop quizzes. And lunches are a little bit painful now, too (although in a way they kind of always were).

After her long talk with Josh, who helped make sense of some of the confusing feelings swirling around in her mind, she at least felt a little bit assured that she wasn’t going completely crazy. She still isn’t anywhere closer to figuring out how she identifies than she was a week ago, but at the very least she’s had some time to meditate on it. Josh talked through his own journey and discovery that started in high school and really came to light in college. Riley left out the details about Maya being the person who kickstarted her sexuality crisis but she was able to talk with Josh about it enough to actually get some good advice. Plus she got to hang out with Damien who, as it turns out, also makes a delicious latte. She was hyped up on coffee for the rest of the day but it was worth it.

In any case, the conversation did help reorient her a little. She and Maya have texted, and Riley didn’t die, and in class when Penny’s not around, hanging out with Maya is as easy as it always has been. Other than that, though, Riley has kind of been avoiding her. Maya hasn’t asked why, and Riley can’t decide if she’s grateful for it or not. Riley’s mother asked her last night why Maya hasn’t been over for dinner all year; she didn’t have a good answer.

Maya and Penny have spent every day this week at Penny’s table during lunch, and they are always all over each other. Riley doesn’t know what exactly has transpired between them between Penny’s ditching of Maya at New Year’s Eve and now, and she doesn’t want to ask. Whatever did happen, though, things seem to be back to normal for them, and it’s hard to watch.

At least she has Farkle and Smackle to distract her. She’s halfheartedly trying to eat a carrot but her heart is not in it, and she has basically no appetite after watching Maya and Penny. She doesn’t want to be mean but their behavior does not seem appropriate for the cafeteria. It’s like, get a room already. Not that Riley wants them to do that, either.

“Hello?” Smackle asks, waving her hand in front of Riley’s face. “Earth to Riley?”

“Huh?”

“Is tonight at seven good to work on the history packet?”

Riley blinks. She didn’t even realize they were making plans. “Uh, sure.”

“Great. So, seven, APUSH, Topanga’s.” Smackle smiles with finality. “I assume Maya will be joining us?”

At the mere mention of her, Riley’s skin prickles. “Why would you assume that?” Riley asks carefully. She doesn’t want to betray anything in her voice but she thinks she sounds like a strangled seal whenever she talks.

“Um.” Smackle frowns like she’s been thrown off her course. “Because you’re going?”

“We’re not joined at the hip, you know,” Riley growls back. “She’s her own person. We don’t keep tabs on each other at all times.”

Smackle shrugs like she doesn’t even notice the malice in Riley’s voice. “Why don’t you just ask her if she wants to come?” she suggests. Which is a perfectly logical thing to do, except that it’s the last thing Riley wants. Hanging out and talking at school, on neutral territory, is one thing, but at Topanga’s it would be something else. Something she still isn’t ready to face.

“Fine,” Riley concedes. It would sound weird and suspicious if she told them she’d rather if Maya didn’t come along. She goes back to glaring at her uneaten carrots, but both Farkle and Smackle look at her expectantly. “Oh, you mean now?”

Smackle narrows her eyes as though Riley’s just asked a stupid question. “Well, yeah?”

“But she’s sitting with Penny.”

“Okay, well, she can come too,” Smackle reasons. “We have history with her.”

An unexplainable rage goes through Riley, and she shoots up, standing up straight and balling her hands into fists. “Fine,” she says, her voice low.

Before she can think better of it, she storms across the cafeteria to Penny’s table. Maya sits on Penny’s lap, and they giggle to one another, sickeningly sweet. Maya sees her, and smiles. It makes Riley want to commit a crime.

“Hey, Riles,” Maya says, still grinning. “What brings you to this side of town?”

Penny looks at her with boredom, which Riley supposes is better than disdain. Riley takes a deep breath, shoving down word vomit in favor of something polite and palatable. “We’re going to Topanga’s tonight to work on the history homework, if you and Penny want to come. No pressure.”

Maya looks to Penny, and they have a wordless conversation. For once, Riley doesn’t wish to know what they’re thinking. She would rather be anywhere but here.

“We’d love to,” Maya answers. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Of course,” Riley replies, trying her best to smile. “We’ll see you at seven.”

She does a quick heel turn and stalks back to her table so she doesn’t have to consume another second of the sight before her. She huffs and plops back into her seat, and looks back at her food. She’s definitely not hungry anymore.

“See? Was that so hard?” Smackle asks, a hint of a patronizing tone in her voice. Riley feels like she might die.

“No,” she mumbles, but it _was_. She doesn’t know how to explain that to either Smackle or Farkle. She pretends not to notice the confused, almost alarmed look on Farkle’s face.

They don’t know what it’s like to yearn, they have each other.

It’s not fair. None of this is fair.

-

Maya is actually really looking forward to hanging out with her friends tonight, even if it is under the pretense of doing homework, even if things with Penny still aren’t really great. At school, in front of Penny’s friends, it’s like there’s nothing wrong. But they haven’t hung out alone all week and Maya can’t understand why. It’s like Penny is deliberately avoiding any attempt Maya makes to try to make things right again.

It’s unspoken between the both of them, but Maya can tell that Penny views tonight’s study session as Maya’s second chance. Her time to prove that she can still love Riley as a best friend and also want to be with Penny only. She doesn’t want to blow it.

But she and Riley still haven’t seen each other since New Year’s Eve, and Maya misses her like crazy. Besides their occasional texts and casual banter in class, this might honestly be the longest they’ve gone without hanging out, and it’s worrying. It’s like she can’t make either of her girls happy. It’s driving her crazy.

When they arrive, Farkle and Smackle are almost more excited to see Penny than they are to see Maya, which she has sadly grown used to. But Penny is still a new and exciting addition to their lives, and Maya is just plain old Maya.

They take their seats at their usual couches, with Farkle and Smackle on one, Maya and Penny on another, and Riley alone on the armchair. She smiles at Maya and Penny in a weirdly cordial way before absorbing herself in her textbook. Maya doesn’t have time to dwell on it as Farkle and Smackle very sternly assign them to specific parts of the history assignment. Penny and Maya both find their dedication to be somewhat amusing but they keep their quiet laughter a secret.

It’s precarious. She wants to show Penny that she is committed, and she _is_ , but she looks at Riley, absorbed in her work and hardly looking up once, even when someone asks her a direct question. Her smoothie sits untouched on the table, and to an outsider, she looks like she might as well not be a part of their group at all.

Penny catches her staring at Riley once, and gives her a look. Maya sighs and goes back to her notes. But she can’t shake the feeling that something is going on with Riley.

“Anyone want a pastry?” Penny asks after a long, mostly quiet period of working. Farkle and Smackle both say yes excitedly, and Maya agrees too. Penny looks to Riley, who hasn’t looked up from her textbook. “Matthews?” Penny says, clearly annoyed.

Riley looks up, a sort of faraway look in her eyes. “Hmm?”

“Pastry?”

Riley’s expression doesn’t change. “No, thanks.” She instantly goes back to her book.

Penny looks almost offended, although Riley didn’t really do anything wrong. She just isn’t acting like herself at all. Hasn’t cracked a joke, or smiled dreamily like she was in a faraway land, made a comment about some colonel's funny sounding name. But how would Penny know that, anyways? She’s never made an effort to get to know her beyond her supposed goody two shoes persona. Penny stands up in a huff to walk to the counter, and Maya looks to Riley.

At first, Maya thought Riley was just absorbed in her work, too engrossed to be her usual energetic, sunshiney self. Maybe she was just really taking the packet seriously, as much as Farkle and Smackle were, but there was something else. It was like Riley was purposely avoiding everyone’s gaze, like she was holding something in. Like she was doing everything in her power not to look up at all. Call it intuition, but Maya could sense that Riley knew Maya was looking at her. And she was avoiding her all the same.

Maya scoots across the couch and puts a hand on Riley’s thigh. “Can we talk?” Maya asks, and it comes out a bit more harsh than she intended.

Riley looks up, guarded. Frowning. “Sure,” Riley says, shrugging. She doesn’t move.

“I mean, in private?” Maya clarifies, and stands up, gesturing outside.

“Oh.” Riley slowly stands up, glancing around her. Like she’s scared that she’s walking into a trap. It’s unnerving. “Okay then.” She picks up her jacket from her chair and steps outside. Maya grimaces and follows.

Riley picks a table to sit at, and Maya pulls up a chair. It’s freezing out, and Maya slips into her winter coat, shivering. “Riley,” she starts. But she’s unsure how to continue.

“What’s up?” she asks, smiling. It seems fake, forced. It reminds Maya of the time when Riley was being bullied, and she would smile at Maya through tears, trying desperately to cling to her sunny disposition while in truth she was breaking inside. Something catches in Maya’s throat. The thought of something like that happening to her again kills her.

“Is everything okay?” Maya asks carefully, watching Riley’s expression.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?” That fake smile doesn’t change. Maya feels lightheaded.

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

Riley shakes her head. “There’s nothing to tell.” There’s something careful about Riley’s expression now. She’s still smiling, but it’s not just that. She won’t look Maya in the eyes, and she wraps her arms around herself, shivering in the cold. Maya knows every face Riley has. She’s spent her whole life memorizing her features, drawing her and studying those drawings. Watching her sleep and dream and watching her study, watching her cheer on the football field and cry because her neighbor’s dog passed away. She _knows_ something is wrong.

“Riles, you haven’t been acting like yourself lately. And you’ve been avoiding me. Please just tell me what’s wrong.” When Riley doesn’t say anything, Maya adds, “Ring power.”

This seems to at least get an acknowledgement from Riley. She exhales slightly. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Yes it is,” Maya insists. “It’s not... You’re not being bullied, are you?”

“Oh. God, no,” Riley responds, letting out a shaky laugh. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Okay. Good.” Maya waits expectantly for Riley to explain, but she falls silent again. Maya’s heart feels like glass, like a push could shatter it.

“It’s just that when I’m around you guys, you and Penny and Farkle and Smackle, I feel like the odd one out, like some weird fifth wheel no one wants to be with. I don’t know.” She’s quiet, looks down at the table.

Something heart wrenching pulses through Maya, a hot flash of guilt that squeezes her stomach and her veins. She thinks of Penny, accusing Maya of ditching her for Riley, for preferring Riley over her, of that weird, jealous anger inside of her. Maya takes Riley’s hands in hers, and squeezes them tight. She never wants to let go, and she doesn’t give a shit about how it makes her look. “I’m so sorry you feel that way.”

Riley shakes her head. “It’s fine, Maya.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Listen, Maya,” Riley says, finally looking her in the eyes. “It’s not just that.” She bites her lip before continuing, “I was with Farkle and Smackle back in December, and you know, they’ve always been Farkle and Smackle, and I never felt like an outsider around them. They’re part of the group. But they’re still in a relationship. They have each other, always. And I thought about me.”

Riley pauses, and Maya fails to see any logic to her thoughts, or where Riley is going with this. Maybe she’s trying to say that Farkle and Smackle have a way of making you feel included in their relationship without trying, and she and Penny should start acting that way too.

“Anyways, I guess I’ve never had that with anybody. So I don’t really know what that feels like, which made me jealous in a weird way that made me feel guilty. And you have Penny. You really care for her, and you guys work well together. You’re happy.”

Maya shrugs. _So?_ she wants to say, but she doesn’t. Because, really, why does any of this matter?

“You’re always going to be my best friend, no matter what. I know that. But what you have with Penny is important, and special. I think it took me a really long time to fully understand that you two are long haul, you know? But I get it now. I guess...” She looks down again. Maya can’t tell if her cheeks go red from the cold or something else. “I guess I feel like we should have some boundaries. You and I.”

Maya doesn’t know what to say to any of this. She’s never thought about her relationship with Penny as ‘long haul,’ at least not in any concrete terms like that. Yes, she’s wondered once or twice whether their relationship would last, and of course the conversation with Zay about what she wants for her future has been on her mind, but not like that. It’s weird to hear someone else say it so plainly. And now Riley wants... boundaries? She doesn’t know what to make of that either. It’s such a foreign concept to her, having boundaries with Riley. They don’t have any. They share everything. They’re each other’s whole worlds. How would that even work?

“It’s weird, I know,” Riley says, as though she’s reading Maya’s mind. “Maya and Riley, boundaries? I’m the last person on earth who could have ever guessed something like that could happen. But, I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the best.” She lets go of Maya’s hands and sighs. “I’m not doing such a good job of it, I don’t think. I mean, I know I’ve been avoiding you. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be. But I hope you can understand why.”

It sinks in, then. Why Riley seems to have forgotten that Maya exists. Why she doesn’t seem to want to be around her. It’s all because of Penny. The guilt from before seeps through her skin again. It doesn’t feel good. “I’ve missed you,” Maya says quickly, before she can think better of it.

“Me too,” Riley replies. “More than anything. You’re my best friend.”

“And I’m glad you told me this.”

Riley just nods. They don’t speak, and Maya tries to take this all in. When Penny accused Maya of taking Riley’s side, of preferring her, of being closer to her than maybe was necessary, Maya was defensive. Because the accusation seemed harsh. She didn’t want to admit any of it. But maybe Penny was right all along. Maybe she doesn’t want her relationship with Riley, the only thing in her life she’s ever really been sure about, to change. But now even Riley has pointed out that there is a tug of war going on in Maya’s heart. At some point, something’s gotta give.

“I promise I’ll stop avoiding you,” Riley says eventually. “Honestly, I do. That was a stupid way to go about this. But, like. We should figure something out.” She gulps. “Not now, though, because I’m freezing and I would actually like to finish our history homework before we go home.”

This makes Maya laugh, and things are sort of normal between them, if only for a moment. She stands up, and so does Riley, and they embrace, giving into that magnetic pull they have always seemed to have.

At the end of the night, Riley goes home with Farkle and Smackle, and Maya and Penny stay behind. Maya’s mother is coming to pick her up, and Penny is supposedly going home with her cousin. She invited Maya over, but Maya had to decline. Everyone was watching them, so she didn’t want to get into the semantics, but her parents still aren’t on great terms with Penny, and she doesn’t want to make things worse, at least for now.

They sit side by side on the couch, and Maya begins to shove her materials back into her bag methodically. “I don’t think I’ve ever put that much effort into a history assignment in my whole life,” Penny says, smirking. “But I guess there’s a first time for everything.”

“You usually copy my packets before class,” Maya agrees. That realization dawns on her slowly. Penny usually starts every Friday morning by asking Maya if she’s done the homework, batting her eyelashes and agreeing to change some of the answers so the teacher won’t notice. Maya doesn’t mind. She did it even before they started dating. But Maya wonders why Penny even enrolls in advanced classes if she’s not even going to bother to try. Truthfully, Maya doesn’t really like APUSH any more than Penny does, but she at least has a good reason to be there. Penny doesn’t even want to apply to colleges that will care about her transcripts.

“I think we should hang out with your friends more often, though,” Penny continues. “Maybe hanging around nerds will make me smarter by osmosis. I mean that in a nice way.” She smiles, trying to be endearing. Maya is too tired to defend them. She slumps her shoulders as she zips up her backpack, and checks her phone to see if her mom is here yet.

“Speaking of,” Penny says, and Maya can tell that she’s feigning nonchalance, “Matthews was acting a little bit weird today, wasn’t she?”

“No,” Maya responds, almost reflexively, too quickly. It’s obviously a lie.

Penny surprises her by asking, “Is she okay?”

Maya hesitates. “Do you mean that?”

“Sure I do,” she responds. “Hopefully you knocked some sense into her when you guys talked. She seemed better after you did, so.”

The prompt is obvious. Penny wants to know what happened, what they talked about. Maya doesn’t feel like playing these games. She wants to go home and go to bed. “She’s honestly fine. We just talked about some stuff that was on her mind.” Maya takes a deep breath. “Since it’s actually pertinent to you, I guess you should know that we talked about setting boundaries. Like, between the two of us. Um. Between Riley and me, I mean.”

Penny looks genuinely surprised by this. Her mouth quirks up in an almost mischievous way. “I did not see that one coming, I’ll admit.”

“And it was her idea, too,” Maya adds. She feels like this detail will please Penny even more. She’s right. Maya doesn’t know why she’s telling Penny any of this. It’s almost like something is compelling her to. Like maybe if she does, she can make their relationship right again.

“Huh. Well, what do you know.” She has this grin on her face, like she’s scheming something. But not necessarily in a good way. It almost makes Maya nervous. Penny looks at her phone. “My cousin just got here. Are you sure you don’t wanna come over?”

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t think...”

Penny just nods apologetically. “Alright, I won’t push it. Are you okay to wait, then?”

_Not really,_ Maya thinks. She’s her girlfriend. Why doesn’t she want to wait with her? To make sure Maya gets home okay? “Sure, I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”

“See you,” Penny replies, slinging her bag over one shoulder. She leaves Maya with a quick kiss before disappearing out the door of Topanga’s and to the street. Maya looks back at her phone. Unease spreads in the pit of her stomach. But it feels deeper than that, worse.

It’s something like dread.


End file.
